Nikki Faber quotes from Spin City

Nikki

(on phone): I didn't mean to scare you, it was just a simple run of the mill orgasm... (Mike walks up) ...Can you hold on a second, Mom?

Mike

Oh, I'll let you get back to your mom, before she loses her erection.

Nikki

They had a candle light vigil at the fountain last night. Hundreds showed up.

Carter

Of course only five people could fit around it at one time. They had to vigil in shifts.

Carter

Believe it or not, I came out at Thanksgiving.

Nikki

How'd you pull that off?

Carter

Very subtle. "Dad, great job carving the turkey. I'm a homosexual."

Nikki

Well, every year, I go to my sister's house, hug her three beautiful children, then my family gathers round, ties me to a chair, and pummels me with questions about why I'm not married yet.

Stuart

Me, my mom, my dad, three Hungry Man dinners, and a big box of wine. The first "I hate you" comes out around 9:30.

Nikki

Why couldn't the Mayor just stand up?

Nikki

What? What am I missing?

Mike

How am I gonna explain this. Okay, Nikki. Even though the Mayor wasn't actually standing...he was at full attention.

Nikki

Nooo.

Mike

Yes, now how are we gonna explain this little snub to the Woman's Action Caucus?

Stuart

Snub? The man paid the woman the ultimate compliment!

Mike

Yeah, if they were orangutans.

Nikki

Can't you guys control those things?

Stuart

Not always.

Mike

You can scold it, or smack it around a little bit. That only seems to encourage it.

Nikki

I am fascinated.

James

Sometimes all it takes is a thought, memory...sometimes all it takes is a slight breeze.

Nikki

George is not some kind of deadbeat. I'll have you know that he's a writer! [Mike, Carter, and Stuart all groan] He's writing a screenplay! [They groan louder] What's wrong with that?!

Mike

He's a writer! That's like an actor who's too lazy to work at a restaurant!

Stuart

He's using you for a free ride, Nikki. Trust me, I know guys like him...I am guys like him.

Nikki

I can't get from ESPN to the Comedy Channel without some big penis waving in my face.

James

Where are you watching television?

Mike

I have a penis.

Nikki

Don't make me get my purse.

Janelle Cooper

Ok, you first

Nikki Faber

Four seasons, silk sheets, champagne, he's wearing his uniform

Janelle Cooper

Secluded beach, full moon, he's wearing his uniform

Right here, right now, I'M wearing his uniform

Nikki

Do you not have an ounce of Christmas Spirit in you?

Stuart

Well, Joseph was about 3 ounces.

Nikki

I am not gonna do that unless he wakes up.

Stuart

Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki's only rule of dating.

Stuart

(Looking at a picture of James's aunt Sarah) Wow, she was a cow.

Nikki

Stuart, very nice.

Stuart

I'm serious, she was an actual cow.

Janelle

[Watching TV. Nikki comes in and takes the remote] Hey, what are you doing?

Nikki

Watching Paul on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" He's up to the $500,000 question.

Janelle

Well, I want to make sure the well doesn't collapse on the Mayor.

Nikki

Janelle, even if it does, you know they'll interrupt "Millionaire".

Janelle

...That's true. [Changes the channel]

Janelle

[Paul is trying to decide on answering the $1 million question] Come on, Paul, say something!

Nikki

Just take the money. I'll learn to love you.

Mike

Make sure this Tony guy doesn't think you're still dating him.

Nikki

Fine, I will die alone with 17 cats.