Stuart Bondeck quotes from Spin City

Nikki

George is not some kind of deadbeat. I'll have you know that he's a writer! [Mike, Carter, and Stuart all groan] He's writing a screenplay! [They groan louder] What's wrong with that?!

Mike

He's a writer! That's like an actor who's too lazy to work at a restaurant!

Stuart

He's using you for a free ride, Nikki. Trust me, I know guys like him...I am guys like him.

Carter

Can't you tell if a man is handsome?

Stuart

Huh, nice try.

Stuart

Why wouldn't you ask me to look after The Mayor's daughter?

Mike

Same reason they don't give guns to monkeys

Nikki

Do you not have an ounce of Christmas Spirit in you?

Stuart

Well, Joseph was about 3 ounces.

Mike

[Tossing a bunch of towels into the sauna] Here are your towels!

Stuart

[From inside the sauna] We don't need them!

STUART!

Nikki

I am not gonna do that unless he wakes up.

Stuart

Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki's only rule of dating.

There was corpse at my wedding!

Stuart

Hey, I know Paul's not an exciting guy...

Stuart

(Looking at a picture of James's aunt Sarah) Wow, she was a cow.

Nikki

Stuart, very nice.

Stuart

I'm serious, she was an actual cow.

Stuart

I take my coffee the way I take my women.

Are you sure you want to pay $75 for a cup of coffee?

Old Stuart

Long time no see. How old are you now?

Mike

(Looks exactly the same) Eighty-eight.

Stuart

You know who I can't believe is still alive?

Carter

Who? Ha.

Mike

Was there a reason why you would do this to me?

Stuart

Did you not strut down a runway in a 300-pound fat-suit?

Mike

Yeah.

Stuart

Then I don't understand the question...

Mike

Item 10: Inappropriate use of the word "mount". Item 11: Pushing the elevator button without using his hands. (pause) What floor?

Stuart

3rd

Mike

That's not bad.

Stuart

I slept with your sister!

I was there, you idiot!

Charlie

Stuart, says here you're with the war against pornography.

Stuart

You're reading that wrong, it's the war against the war against pornography.

Charlie

I thought that was a typo.

Carter

Stuart, Rags was swept to the street last day and accidentally taken to the pound.

Stuart

He was found without a leash and than committed a G&B.

Carter

...

Stuart

Growl and Bite.

Carter

Come on, you're in charge of this, make a call and set him released.

Stuart

Can't do that Carter, if I release Rags we have to release that Poodle we napped for a DNR.

Carter

...

Stuart

Dump -N- Run.