Mike Flaherty quotes from Spin City

Mike

(In a spacesuit, about to have sex with Heidi Klum) One small step for man, one giant... (stares at Heidi's breasts) Oh dear God, thank you. (jumps and floats in bed) The eagle has landed. (Heidi's bra, Mike's underwear, and a packet of condoms floats across the screen) Space is cool.

Mike

(slapping Paul on the but) Way to go Paulie.

Mike

It's a lot firmer than you think.

Mike

I don't know if its me or the barely brew talking, but I'm out too

Nikki

(on phone): I didn't mean to scare you, it was just a simple run of the mill orgasm... (Mike walks up) ...Can you hold on a second, Mom?

Mike

Oh, I'll let you get back to your mom, before she loses her erection.

Mike

(about Mayor Garfield's passing) We need to get working on your statement.

I killed him. I killed him dead.

Mike

That's a good starting point. How about softening it up a little?

Mike

Are you telling me that your pregnant?

No, but I will be thanks to you.

Mike

Wait a second, am I missing a step here, cause if you're talking about last night, I took precautions, we took precautions!

Let't just say I'm the kinda girl who never throws anything away...I put it in the freezer.

Mike

You froze my guys?!

I'm just here to get your blessing.

Mike

What am I, the pope?!

Don't yell at me!

Mike

Those are my guys, I want them back!

Look, if you're gonna be all weird about this, I'm just gonna leave!

Mike

You can't do this! (opens office door) GIMME BACK MY SPERM!

Mike

Basically, by 6 o'clock, anyone in the city with breasts is going to hate us.

Stuart

Welcome to my world.

Nikki

Why couldn't the Mayor just stand up?

Nikki

What? What am I missing?

Mike

How am I gonna explain this. Okay, Nikki. Even though the Mayor wasn't actually standing...he was at full attention.

Nikki

Nooo.

Mike

Yes, now how are we gonna explain this little snub to the Woman's Action Caucus?

Stuart

Snub? The man paid the woman the ultimate compliment!

Mike

Yeah, if they were orangutans.

Nikki

Can't you guys control those things?

Stuart

Not always.

Mike

You can scold it, or smack it around a little bit. That only seems to encourage it.

Nikki

I am fascinated.

James

Sometimes all it takes is a thought, memory...sometimes all it takes is a slight breeze.

James

We've got to rescue her from that monster!

Mike

He's her boyfriend, he's not Jason.

Nikki

George is not some kind of deadbeat. I'll have you know that he's a writer! [Mike, Carter, and Stuart all groan] He's writing a screenplay! [They groan louder] What's wrong with that?!

Mike

He's a writer! That's like an actor who's too lazy to work at a restaurant!

Stuart

He's using you for a free ride, Nikki. Trust me, I know guys like him...I am guys like him.

Paul

If you'd given me any more time I could've recovered.

Mike

Paul, if I'd have given you any more time up there, you would have declared the Mayor dead.

It was back in the '60s, and I was at this party and some idiot spiked the Kool-Aid. Before I knew it, I was 3/4 up a pine tree, naked as a jay bird, trying to get away from all the giant bugs, there.

Mike

Well, there you have it. Okay, so I tell the press that you were in a mental hospital...because you were taking acid.

Coincidentally, that was the same night I decided to run for Mayor.

(reading cue cards) Good afternoon, all. I want to start out with a personal outrage that has been going on too long. Public access... (switches cards) ...pornography.

Mike

(to James) You want to work on where you break those cards.

(reading cue cards) I just want to make sure that material with graphic sexual content is available and seen... (switches cards) ...only by those people who specifically want to see it.

Mike

(to James) Ok, you did that one on purpose.

Mike

I have a penis.

Nikki

Don't make me get my purse.