Charlie[drunkenly] Goddamn, Shrimp... you’re just, like... you’re just, like FUCKED, man. [Charlie takes another gulp of his spaghetti drink] And I ain’t even trying to be offensive or nothing like that, but... I don’t know how you had a girlfriend in the first place.
That is why I do not even bother.
Charlie
Yeah, I know. I’m just saying, you’re just, like... you’re just, like, really, really fucked. I-I genuinely feel bad, it’s not even your fault, man. You’re just a shrimp, you was born like that. You was born like that, you was born a shrimp. You can’t even--... It’s your nature.
W-Wait, you're Shrimpina, right?
JJennifer
My name is Jennifer.
I have never met this woman in my entire life.
Charlie
...Pim, who is this? Where... Where did you meet this woman?
I went where Shrimp told me to go. The cafe on 153 Meep Boulevard.
Charlie
Pim, there's no cafe at 153, there's a cafe at 158. You went to the wrong place.
W-W... Well, wait a second, what about that thing you said at the cafe? About... like, moving on or something?
JJennifer
Yeah. My boyfriend Jason died in a motorcycle accident a few months ago.
Charlie
Jesus Christ, man, Pim. Pim. Aauuughh.
Charlie
I have no idea, probably at home? I don't know. P-Pim, did you even see Shrimpina one ti--once?
RGRotoscope Guy
Whoa! Is that fucking blackface, dude?
FDThe Forest Demon
No! No, no, no, this isn't blackface. I'm an actual demon.
RGRotoscope Guy
Bro, please tell me that's not blackface, man.
WWitch
Are you fucking serious?
PGParty Guest
Not cool, man.
FDThe Forest Demon
No! No, no, no, no! You don't understand -- I'm literally a forest demon from across the bridge. This isn't a costume.
RGRotoscope Guy
Get the fuck out, man!
[The party guests kick the Forest Demon to the ground and beat him relentlessly, tearing him limb from limb.]
Charlie
See, that's exactly why I don't dress up for Halloween. Right there. That's the reason.
[Charlie has a headache listening to Allan and Glep playing a fighting video game at high volume]
Charlie
Hey, can you guys turn that down? I just have a little bit of a headache.
Oh, sorry. [he turns down the video game's loud volume]
Charlie
No, no, it's-it's all good, it's fine. It’s just that, erm... these guys started doing construction inside of my place at like 6:00-- [two fairies suddenly fly into the office and one of them blows a loud bugle next to Charlie's ear] ARGH!! THAT WAS RIGHT IN MY EAR, DUDE!!
FFairies
[in unison] We officially deliver a royal decree from the Princess of the Enchanted Forest! She's been unable to smile for a royal portrait and needs your assistance!
[gets overexcited] Th-the Enchanted Forest? Oh my God! I LOVE THE ENCHANTED FOREST!!!
Charlie
My ear's still ringing from that noise.
[Pim recalls a childhood memory with his dad Steven, seeing a wizard and a goblin in the Enchanted Forest]
Daddy, Daddy! Can we go inside and do an epic quest with those mythical creatures?
SSteven
No, Pim! The Enchanted Forest isn't for children. It's only for heroes with unrelenting dedication, bravery and wisdom. Perhaps one day.
[Pim and his father kiss each other on the lips. Scene transitions back to the present]
[sighs with relief] I can't believe after all these years, I'm finally here.
Charlie
[pause] You kiss your dad on the mouth?
Oh, this is gonna be great. I can’t wait to find the perfect Christmas tree. Which one do you guys wanna get? There’s - Oh, there’s a bunch.
Charlie
Yeah. Look, look, uh, let’s just make it quick. I really don’t want to be here all night.
What’s up with you today, Charlie?
Charlie
Huh? What- What are you talking about?
I don’t know. You just - I don’t know. It seems like you’re agitated or something.
Charlie
I’m not - I’m not agitated, Pim. I just don’t want to be working on Christmas Eve. And I think that’s a pretty reasonable position to have.
When you’re in this mood, I don’t know if you realize, but it actually affects everyone else’s mood. It - it brings us down a bit.
Charlie
Wait. Hold on. Hold- No, no. It affects you. Nobody else- Allan, are you affected by whatever- whatever is supposed to be happening?
Charlie
Are you affected?
I just want to find a tree.
Charlie
Okay. So, in other words, he’s not affected. See, Pim, here’s the thing-just because you are, you know, very positive and cheery about everything, does not mean everyone else has to conform to that.
I’m just saying, it seems like you’re often in this mood, like, it’s not just a one-off thing. It seems like you’re often like this.
Charlie
What do you mean? What is that - What is that supposed to mean?
Well, it was the same with Desmond, wasn't it? I had to get you motivated for that.
Charlie
Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay.
Charlie, you didn’t want to do that job, and I had to get you motivated, like I often have to do.
Charlie
Okay. Yeah, Desmond was how many months ago. Also, dude, that’s a weird thing to bring up specifically, because that was one of the instances where you were not in the best mood. So the fact that you’re roping me…into asking me.
Charlie, I’m just bringing stuff up, and it’s not just Desmond.
Charlie
Oh.
It’s - it’s every job we do. You never want to do anything. It sometimes just gets a bit exhausting. That’s all I’m saying.
Charlie
You know, I could do the same thing back to you. I could throw stuff at you…
Okay, say it. Tell me. I’d love to say what people are saying about me.
[The Smiling Friends approach a Christmas tree to chop down with an axe.]
Okay, how about this tree?
Yeah, it’s fine. Let’s just do it.
Charlie
It looks fine to me.
Alright. Pim, do you want to chop it down?
Charlie
No, no, you know what? Let me do it. [Charlie grabs the axe from Allan.] I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.
[Charlie starts chopping down the tree with the said axe.]
Charlie
Pim, I'm just helping out, right? Something that I never do, according to you, right? Oh, is this- is just putting anyone in a bad mood, huh? Is this putting anyone in a bad mood?
[The Christmas tree that Charlie chops down ends up falling onto him, and kills Charlie in the process. Pim, Allan and Glep are all stunned with silence.]
JJames
Hey! [James snaps his fingers to garner Charlie's attention] Where is it?
Charlie
[tired, dressed up in a maid costume] I-I don't know how good this is going to be. I've-I've never made a casserole before.
JJames
Why are you dressed like that?
Charlie
Because you said it would make you smile.
JJames
[He inspects the dish more closely, but finds it unsatisfactory.] I want McDonald's. [Throws a casserole dish against the wall]
Charlie
[concerned] Look, I've literally done every single thing you've asked. I - I don't know why you're doing this to me but I'm begging you - I'm begging you, please. [inhales] Please, I want you to genuinely smile, please? Just smile.
JJames
[rips off a piece of Charlie's nose] Dude, I couldn't focus on what you were saying with that thing on your face. I was sick of staring at it.
Charlie
[screaming in pure agony] AAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!!
Charlie
Pim, the world we live in stresses me out, dude.
Charlie
Just, like, never-ending constant chaos, no-- It-- It never lets up. I hate it, I-- It's not good.
Oh, okay. I mean... Like, you didn't like when the man came out of the egg, though? That was kinda nice, wasn't it?
Charlie
No, that's what I'm talking about. That's exactly what I mean.
Oh, oh. You didn't like that-- Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
Charlie
What? It's not-- You didn't do it, it's not your fault.
Charlie
Wait, what? What am-- Dude, what am I looking at? What is that?
Charlie, that-- that's not Earth, right?
[Reveal: The Flat Earth.]
Charlie
Pim, that's completely flat, that a hun-- that's a hundred percent flat, dude!
I know, that's what I mean, that-- I'm-- that's what I'm saying, that-- That can't be real, right? That's not, like--
Charlie
I-- It-- We're looking at it, dude! That-- The-- The Earth is, uh-- the Earth is flat! The Earth-- I just-- look at-- I dunno, the Earth is flat!
Charlie, the Earth can't actually be flat, right?
Charlie
There's the glass dome! Dude, dude, oh my God, dude, oh my--
This is-- This can't be real.
Charlie
I need to sit down.
Charlie
Pim, we-- we need to take this to the grave, we cannot tell anybody. This changes literally every-- This changes everything.
No, I-- I know. I c-- We can't-- We can never tell-- We can never tell anyone.
Charlie
I might actually puke, get back a little. I might puke. Stand back. I'm gonna throw up.
Charlie
I'm gonna throw up.
The Earth is flat, Charlie.
Charlie
I know.
Charlie
Yo, dude? Uh, I really hate to ask this, I seriously do, uh, but, I'm— I'm starting to crash kinda hard right now just 'cause we've been walking around and I haven't gotten food all day. If, if with full due respect to you, uh sir, if you could just make me literally one more silly sausage I'd be so, I'd be— that'd be enough to get me until dinner.
SSSilly Samuel
WHAT?! What the FUCK is wrong with you two?!
Charlie
Woah hey, calm down dude.
Yeah, we're just trying to help.
SSSilly Samuel
[completely losing his mind] HELP?! I called you to make me smile, and I've never felt worse in my entire fucking life! You both fucking suck at your job! Asking me about silly sausages after you failed me-- Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You guys are just like everybody else, you don't take me fucking seriously!
CCivilian
What the hell? This guy is freaking out!
[A small crowd gathers around him. They begin laughing.]
SSSilly Samuel
[completely lost in his insanity] Fuck you! Fuck you all! I don't care if you people don't like me! I don't care-- I don't--you people have broken me! I don't care if you LAUGH at me! I'm gonna speak my mind! This country! Is! FAILING!!!!!
Smiling Friends · 70 quotes
