Charlie quotes from Smiling Friends

Pim

If you're feeling down, maybe you need / To check and see if you got all you need / How about friends? You've got me and Charlie! / And we'll be nice friends to you / What about love? Another thing that's good / Love makes the world feel yummy and good / And what about family? Family is key! / Look at this little family of bees! / There are so many--!

Charlie

OH MY GOD, DUDE!

Charlie

Explain to me -- how did the Magic Bullet go through President Shrimp's head, into the governor in front of him, then into the driver to the left of him, then behind him into his wife, and then back into President Shrimp's head? Explain that to me, man.

Pim

I don't-- I don't know. I don't like to think about that stuff, Charlie, to be honest.

Charlie

You know I just gotta say, uh, we avoided seeing it the whole time, Pim. And I saw it right there and it was not as bad as I thought, it looked pretty good.

Pim

The penis? Yeah,I saw too. Yeah, it looked good. looked like a good penis. Yeah.

Charlie

'Cause he hyped it up and said it would be horrible, and said it'd be ugly.

I thought it looked delicious.

Charlie

What's that?

I thought the penis looked delicious.

Charlie

Shit! [answers phone, pretend coughs] Hello?

Mr. Boss

[acts nonchalantly] Hey, Charlie. What're you up to?

Charlie

Hey... [pretend coughs] Hey, I-I'm actually home, uh...sick right now in bed. Pim told you that, right?

Mr. Boss

Yeah, he did, he did. [checks his laptop] The only problem is I can see you on Steam right now playing Grand Strategy IV, [snaps furiously on the phone] you fucking liar, you fucking piece of shit, little fucking rat!

Charlie

[frantically closes his game] What?! No-no-no-no, I don't know what you're taking about--!

Mr. Boss

[closes laptop] Charlie, I'm gonna make this really simple for you, dude. If you don't get into work by noon, you're fired! [stands up and screams angrily on the phone] YOU HEAR ME?!! FIRED!!! GET IN HERE!!!

Mr. Boss

Now where was I? [goes into a fit by panting and rubbing his arms]

Beep boop, one zero, one zero...

Alright, you got me. I am not actually a robot. My name is Bob.

Charlie

Wait, how did you know all the robot stuff, then?

Oh, I was just using a few different apps on my phone, mainly Midjourney, ChatGPT, DeepSeek, a few others...

Oh.

Charlie

Fuck, man, I got scammed again, dude! Is there something wrong with my brain, where I'm getting scammed as much? You guys can tell me if there is. I wanna know that kind of thing.

Pim

You know, you really should treat Charlie better. He's the only person who would put up with you.

[enraged] Oh, now you've done it. You've just awoken the BEAST!!! [screams as he charges at Pim, and starts strangling him]

Charlie

Hey, Uncle Bilbert, stop!

SHUT UP, CHARLIE!!! THE BEAST IS ALIVE IN ME!!! [keeps strangling Pim]

Charlie

I said, STOP!!!

[chuckles] Good job, Charlie. You did it. You finally did it.

Charlie

[confused] What?

What do you mean, "what"? You stood up to me! I mean, for 30 years, I've been punching you, spitting on you, and treating you like dirt, trying to get you to stand up for yourself. What do you know? You finally did it!

Mr. Landlord?!

Damn, DAMN! Foiled again! Damn you to hell! My ingenious plan, ruined!

Wh-- Why did you do this? I thought you were dead! Why did you pretend to be a beautiful woman?!

You know why, Allan! To hang out with you again! And I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for that damn dirty dog!

[rolls back his sleeves] I'm gonna kill you! [lunges at Mr. Landlord and misses]

We'll meet again, Allan! Till next time...! [runs away on water]

Pim

Allan, are you okay? What happened?

My date turned out to be my landlord and he tricked me, and I... I got a red rocket from him.

Pim

...Oh.

Charlie

You didn't need to say the last part, man. You could've left that off.