Pim quotes from Smiling Friends

Pim

Oh, that movie was EPIC!! What do you think, Charlie?

Pim

What, really?

Pim

This is gonna be great Charlie! I love helping kids. I love kids, Charlie! I LOVE KIIIIIDS!!

Charlie

Whoa, Pim, I REALLY wouldn't be screaming that at the top of my lungs.

Charlie

What's, uh... What's up, man? What's happening, big guy? What's with the gun?

Oh, nothing. I was probably gonna use it to shoot myself or somethin'.

Charlie

Oh, you don't need to do that, man. Why don't you just... put the gun down, buddy?

Pim

Yeah, d-don't worry. Things are gonna be OK. W-what's wrong?

Well, life's not going that great for me. [slowly zoom in with somber background music playing] My wife left me, my kids left me, my dog died from a broken heart last fall. So I don't know. Yeah, probably just gonna end it all or somethin'.

Charlie

Pim, can I, uh... Can I talk to you for a second? [talks to Pim in a hushed voice] Look, Pim, I know it's our job to help this guy and everything, but I think this guy is a lost cause. He has obviously made up his mind. Why don't we just cut our losses and get out of here?

Pim

Oh, come on. That's nonsense, Charlie. We've never given up on a job so far. [walks up to Desmond in an innocent manner] Um, hello there, sir. I know you don't know who I am, but my name is Pim. I know right now things seem bleak, but I promise to you that by the end of this beautiful day, you will have a big gorgeous smile on that handsome face of yours. Oh, won't you give us a chance? [Desmond pauses for a beat]

OK. But if you can't help me... [zoom in on Desmond talking in a disturbing deep machine voice] I'm gonna fuckin' shoot myself and make you two watch.

Pim

OK, not sure about that, but yaaay!

Charlie

Dude, this house is insane! There's like a thousand rooms in here. You have a gym, you got a theatre, [sees wild animals fighting aggressively to death behind a glass window] and you've even got a beautiful animal sanctuary.

Mr. Frog

Yes. But if I don't get my job back on the Mr. Frog Show, I'll lost it all. Hello.

Pim

Well, first things first, have you thought about just apologising for putting that TMZ reporter in your mouth? That was pretty bad.

Mr. Frog

Hello. But I'm not sorry.

Pim

[thinking] Hm... All right, that definitely makes it harder. Um, let's see... [Mr. Frog appears next to Pim's other side]

Mr. Frog

Um, can I pull your hair?

Pim

[scared] Uh, no. No, please don't.

Charlie

No, no, no, no. Screw apologising! All we have to do is rehabilitate his image.

Pim

I guess we could try to make the world see the good side of Mr. Frog. How hard could that be? [both look at Mr. Frog for a beat; Mr. Frog pauses before suddenly pulling Pim's "hair" on top of his head, later revealed to be an exposed nerve ending] GAHH--!!! [the scene transitions to the next one]

Pim

All right, somehow no drugs was worse than drugs. Charlie, if we can't get him under control, I don't think we're gonna be able to help him.

Charlie

Don't worry, Pim, I am way ahead of you. [holds a canister of pills] I gave him some of these already.

Pim

[concerned] Charlie, what did you give him?

Charlie

My uncle had some sleeping pills laying around to help him sleep at night after he rammed his car into a crowd of people.

Pim

Your uncle seems to get into lots of car accidents.

Charlie

Yeah, he loves his cars. He loves his cars. [Pim sees a drugged Mr. Frog floating in the pool, laughing watching a video on his phone]

Pim

Is it safe for him to be in that pool when he's on them?

Charlie

Yeah, no one's ever done anything crazy on sleeping pills.

I like your hair...

Pim

[Pim runs his hand through his single strand of hair] Oh, this old thing? Uh, yeah, it's actually just an exposed nerve ending. But thanks!

Pim

W-Wait, you're Shrimpina, right?

My name is Jennifer.

Shrimp

I have never met this woman in my entire life.

Charlie

...Pim, who is this? Where... Where did you meet this woman?

Pim

I went where Shrimp told me to go. The cafe on 153 Meep Boulevard.

Charlie

Pim, there's no cafe at 153, there's a cafe at 158. You went to the wrong place.

Pim

W-W... Well, wait a second, what about that thing you said at the cafe? About... like, moving on or something?

Yeah. My boyfriend Jason died in a motorcycle accident a few months ago.

Charlie

Jesus Christ, man, Pim. Pim. Aauuughh.

Shrimp

Where is Shrimpina?

Charlie

I have no idea, probably at home? I don't know. P-Pim, did you even see Shrimpina one ti--once?

Charlie

Listen, I-- I've seen way too many people get their careers ruined over old Halloween costumes. I'm not doing it.

Why don't you just put on some facepaint and be a zombie or something?

Charlie

Dude, facepaint gets people in way more trouble than anything else. I mean, I have no idea what's gonna be offensive in ten years!

Pim

Oh, c'mon, Charlie! Where's your Halloween spirit? When you put on a costume, you can be anything!

Charlie

Pim, that's insane.

Charlie

Hey, can you guys turn that down? I just have a little bit of a headache.

Oh, sorry. [he turns down the video game's loud volume]

Charlie

No, no, it's-it's all good, it's fine. It’s just that, erm... these guys started doing construction inside of my place at like 6:00-- [two fairies suddenly fly into the office and one of them blows a loud bugle next to Charlie's ear] ARGH!! THAT WAS RIGHT IN MY EAR, DUDE!!

[in unison] We officially deliver a royal decree from the Princess of the Enchanted Forest! She's been unable to smile for a royal portrait and needs your assistance!

Pim

[gets overexcited] Th-the Enchanted Forest? Oh my God! I LOVE THE ENCHANTED FOREST!!!

Charlie

My ear's still ringing from that noise.

Young Pim

Daddy, Daddy! Can we go inside and do an epic quest with those mythical creatures?

No, Pim! The Enchanted Forest isn't for children. It's only for heroes with unrelenting dedication, bravery and wisdom. Perhaps one day.

Young Pim

Oh, I love you, Daddy!

Pim

[sighs with relief] I can't believe after all these years, I'm finally here.

Charlie

[pause] You kiss your dad on the mouth?

Charlie

[groans] Where are we?

Pim

Did I pick the wrong hand?

Charlie

Oh, we were RIGHT THERE, MAN!

Pim

Oh, this is gonna be great. I can’t wait to find the perfect Christmas tree. Which one do you guys wanna get? There’s - Oh, there’s a bunch.

Charlie

Yeah. Look, look, uh, let’s just make it quick. I really don’t want to be here all night.

Pim

What’s up with you today, Charlie?

Charlie

Huh? What- What are you talking about?

Pim

I don’t know. You just - I don’t know. It seems like you’re agitated or something.

Charlie

I’m not - I’m not agitated, Pim. I just don’t want to be working on Christmas Eve. And I think that’s a pretty reasonable position to have.

Pim

When you’re in this mood, I don’t know if you realize, but it actually affects everyone else’s mood. It - it brings us down a bit.

Charlie

Wait. Hold on. Hold- No, no. It affects you. Nobody else- Allan, are you affected by whatever- whatever is supposed to be happening?

I don’t really care.

Charlie

Are you affected?

I just want to find a tree.

Charlie

Okay. So, in other words, he’s not affected. See, Pim, here’s the thing-just because you are, you know, very positive and cheery about everything, does not mean everyone else has to conform to that.

Pim

I’m just saying, it seems like you’re often in this mood, like, it’s not just a one-off thing. It seems like you’re often like this.

Charlie

What do you mean? What is that - What is that supposed to mean?

Pim

Well, it was the same with Desmond, wasn't it? I had to get you motivated for that.

Charlie

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Pim

Charlie, you didn’t want to do that job, and I had to get you motivated, like I often have to do.

Charlie

Okay. Yeah, Desmond was how many months ago. Also, dude, that’s a weird thing to bring up specifically, because that was one of the instances where you were not in the best mood. So the fact that you’re roping me…into asking me.

Pim

Charlie, I’m just bringing stuff up, and it’s not just Desmond.

Charlie

Oh.

Pim

It’s - it’s every job we do. You never want to do anything. It sometimes just gets a bit exhausting. That’s all I’m saying.

Charlie

You know, I could do the same thing back to you. I could throw stuff at you…

Pim

Okay, say it. Tell me. I’d love to say what people are saying about me.

Okay, how about this tree?

Pim

Yeah, it’s fine. Let’s just do it.

Charlie

It looks fine to me.

Alright. Pim, do you want to chop it down?

Pim

Yeah, sure.

Charlie

No, no, you know what? Let me do it. [Charlie grabs the axe from Allan.] I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.

Pim

Careful, Charlie.

Charlie

Pim, I'm just helping out, right? Something that I never do, according to you, right? Oh, is this- is just putting anyone in a bad mood, huh? Is this putting anyone in a bad mood?

Are there any other characters from your stupid game?

Hmm, well, there is my trusty sidekick Mr. Millipede! I wonder what he's up to…

Pim

I am so sorry, Gwimbly.

It's just wrong, man. Mr. Millipede was like a damn brother to me. And I'm gonna say what nobody else is willing to say: America has a fucking fentanyl crisis. [pours the beer onto the grave] Ooh-ooh-ooooohh… [starts to sob]

Pim

That's beautiful.

Charlie

Pim, the world we live in stresses me out, dude.

Pim

Really? Why?

Charlie

Just, like, never-ending constant chaos, no-- It-- It never lets up. I hate it, I-- It's not good.

Pim

Oh, okay. I mean... Like, you didn't like when the man came out of the egg, though? That was kinda nice, wasn't it?

Charlie

No, that's what I'm talking about. That's exactly what I mean.

Pim

Oh, oh. You didn't like that-- Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Charlie

What? It's not-- You didn't do it, it's not your fault.

Pim

Yeah, okay.