Allan quotes from Smiling Friends

I just wanted my CHEEEEEEESE!

Uh... [the person frantically tries to close the tab but covers the screen from Allan with his hands] Hey, sorry to bother you, but did you a see a mouse run through here by chance?

I don't know. [pause] Yeah, no clue, man. Maybe try down there.

[unsure] Thanks, I'll...check it out.

By the way, for the record, you should probably knock or make yourself known next time you enter someone's place.

Dude, I don't even think you should be in here to begin with.

Yeah, not really your business though, is it?

[bothered] When you're living in our office walls, yeah, it kind of is.

[nodding him to leave] Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[sighs deeply] OK, I'm not... I'm not doing this right now. Bye.

Yeah, bye. [Allen takes one look at the person before moving on]

Whatever.

Charlie

Listen, I-- I've seen way too many people get their careers ruined over old Halloween costumes. I'm not doing it.

Why don't you just put on some facepaint and be a zombie or something?

Charlie

Dude, facepaint gets people in way more trouble than anything else. I mean, I have no idea what's gonna be offensive in ten years!

Pim

Oh, c'mon, Charlie! Where's your Halloween spirit? When you put on a costume, you can be anything!

Charlie

Pim, that's insane.

Charlie

Hey, can you guys turn that down? I just have a little bit of a headache.

Oh, sorry. [he turns down the video game's loud volume]

Charlie

No, no, it's-it's all good, it's fine. It’s just that, erm... these guys started doing construction inside of my place at like 6:00-- [two fairies suddenly fly into the office and one of them blows a loud bugle next to Charlie's ear] ARGH!! THAT WAS RIGHT IN MY EAR, DUDE!!

[in unison] We officially deliver a royal decree from the Princess of the Enchanted Forest! She's been unable to smile for a royal portrait and needs your assistance!

Pim

[gets overexcited] Th-the Enchanted Forest? Oh my God! I LOVE THE ENCHANTED FOREST!!!

Charlie

My ear's still ringing from that noise.

Pim

Oh, this is gonna be great. I can’t wait to find the perfect Christmas tree. Which one do you guys wanna get? There’s - Oh, there’s a bunch.

Charlie

Yeah. Look, look, uh, let’s just make it quick. I really don’t want to be here all night.

Pim

What’s up with you today, Charlie?

Charlie

Huh? What- What are you talking about?

Pim

I don’t know. You just - I don’t know. It seems like you’re agitated or something.

Charlie

I’m not - I’m not agitated, Pim. I just don’t want to be working on Christmas Eve. And I think that’s a pretty reasonable position to have.

Pim

When you’re in this mood, I don’t know if you realize, but it actually affects everyone else’s mood. It - it brings us down a bit.

Charlie

Wait. Hold on. Hold- No, no. It affects you. Nobody else- Allan, are you affected by whatever- whatever is supposed to be happening?

I don’t really care.

Charlie

Are you affected?

I just want to find a tree.

Charlie

Okay. So, in other words, he’s not affected. See, Pim, here’s the thing-just because you are, you know, very positive and cheery about everything, does not mean everyone else has to conform to that.

Pim

I’m just saying, it seems like you’re often in this mood, like, it’s not just a one-off thing. It seems like you’re often like this.

Charlie

What do you mean? What is that - What is that supposed to mean?

Pim

Well, it was the same with Desmond, wasn't it? I had to get you motivated for that.

Charlie

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Pim

Charlie, you didn’t want to do that job, and I had to get you motivated, like I often have to do.

Charlie

Okay. Yeah, Desmond was how many months ago. Also, dude, that’s a weird thing to bring up specifically, because that was one of the instances where you were not in the best mood. So the fact that you’re roping me…into asking me.

Pim

Charlie, I’m just bringing stuff up, and it’s not just Desmond.

Charlie

Oh.

Pim

It’s - it’s every job we do. You never want to do anything. It sometimes just gets a bit exhausting. That’s all I’m saying.

Charlie

You know, I could do the same thing back to you. I could throw stuff at you…

Pim

Okay, say it. Tell me. I’d love to say what people are saying about me.

Okay, how about this tree?

Pim

Yeah, it’s fine. Let’s just do it.

Charlie

It looks fine to me.

Alright. Pim, do you want to chop it down?

Pim

Yeah, sure.

Charlie

No, no, you know what? Let me do it. [Charlie grabs the axe from Allan.] I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.

Pim

Careful, Charlie.

Charlie

Pim, I'm just helping out, right? Something that I never do, according to you, right? Oh, is this- is just putting anyone in a bad mood, huh? Is this putting anyone in a bad mood?

[after offering to make Gwimbly a skin in a game] Only if you... kiss my nugget. [holds a sauce coated nugget up]

I hate this guy.

[enraged] Oh, FUCK YOU!

Are there any other characters from your stupid game?

Hmm, well, there is my trusty sidekick Mr. Millipede! I wonder what he's up to…

Pim

I am so sorry, Gwimbly.

It's just wrong, man. Mr. Millipede was like a damn brother to me. And I'm gonna say what nobody else is willing to say: America has a fucking fentanyl crisis. [pours the beer onto the grave] Ooh-ooh-ooooohh… [starts to sob]

Pim

That's beautiful.

Mr. Boss

Oh, Allan! I actually have a very exciting job for you too! I just ran out of those little metal things that hold paper together. The eff are they called again? You know, the thing that's all like-- [he bends his pointer finger backwards, instantly breaking it]

Paperclips?

Mr. Boss

Yeah, that's it! If you could fetch some for me, I might have a special reward for you.

Hm, what's the reward?

Mr. Boss

Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, Allan, now would it?

No, I guess not. Okay, I'm gonna go get those paperclips, then.

Mr. Boss

[deeper, "normal" voice] Cool. Cool... I really hurt my finger doing that paperclip bit.

Yeah, no, I-- I saw.

Charlie

Mr. Boss, you’re having the time of your life back there.

Yeah, are you okay?

Mr. Boss

[chuckling] I don’t know, I love my boys!

Charlie

I love all you guys.

Pim

I love- I love all of you too. This is great.

This is a great day to be a Smiling Friend.

Charlie

I love being here, this is a fun energy, I like this place.

Mr. Boss

Allan. We are so fucked.

Why?

Mr. Boss

I built this office thirty years ago without any permission from the city and used cheap laborers from the Enchanted Forest to do it. This building is a fucking mess. It violates every code in the books! You really thought it was legal to build a giant yellow smiley face between two buildings?

I don't know.

Mr. Boss

Do you realize? Do you realize something? If we fail this inspection, we could lose our office and we'd have to move out of it?

No.

Charlie

You know I just gotta say, uh, we avoided seeing it the whole time, Pim. And I saw it right there and it was not as bad as I thought, it looked pretty good.

Pim

The penis? Yeah,I saw too. Yeah, it looked good. looked like a good penis. Yeah.

Charlie

'Cause he hyped it up and said it would be horrible, and said it'd be ugly.

I thought it looked delicious.

Charlie

What's that?

I thought the penis looked delicious.

Hm,that's weird. I guess I'm not the only one that's not cursed.

Pim

Allan, you're a spider!

No, I was always like this. Me was born this way.

Mr. Boss

Which one o' you boys wants a hotdog?

[speaks excited gibberish]

Mr. Boss

Mm, Glep wants his nommies. [he chucks a hot dog and Glep jumps up mid-air to catch it into his mouth; he drops down in the tub and splashes Allan] Yo, Allan! How d'you like your weiner, dog?

I don't want no hot dog. I've got other things to worry about. I need to draft a long email for our insurance.

Mr. Boss

Allan, like, relax, man! We're on vacation, brother. It's time to chill out!

That's easy for you to say. I have a lot of responsibilit-eyes.

Mr. Boss

Allan, I may be "the boss", but I'm also an employee of life. And I've learned that sometimes you gotta let your hair down and smell the hotdogs! [he sniffs one and punches his thigh, foaming at the mouth] ARRRRGHHH!!!

That's nice, but I still do not want the hotdog.

Mr. Boss

S'the last time I try to make a fuckin' hotdog for you, man! [he enters the cabin and slams the door shut. Allan takes a short pause and talks to Glep]

Do you think I was in the wrong there, Glep?

Yeah.

Ooh, cookies. How delectable. May I have a cookie, Mr. Boss?

Mr. Boss

Allan, what're you doing all the way over here? I can barely hear you.

Mr. Boss

Cookie delivery for Allan?

Mm-hm, where do I sign?

Mr. Boss

Nowhere. It's free.

[eats his cookie] Mm. Delicious.

Mr. Boss

Yeah, it is.

Yeah.

Ugh, more emails. You know what? Fook this effing laptop. I'M ON VACATION!

Mr. Boss

[serious voice] That was a work laptop, Allan, but I am happy for you.

Beep boop, one zero, one zero...

Alright, you got me. I am not actually a robot. My name is Bob.

Charlie

Wait, how did you know all the robot stuff, then?

Oh, I was just using a few different apps on my phone, mainly Midjourney, ChatGPT, DeepSeek, a few others...

Oh.

Charlie

Fuck, man, I got scammed again, dude! Is there something wrong with my brain, where I'm getting scammed as much? You guys can tell me if there is. I wanna know that kind of thing.