Smiling Friends quotes

Pim

This is gonna be great Charlie! I love helping kids. I love kids, Charlie! I LOVE KIIIIIDS!!

Charlie

Whoa, Pim, I REALLY wouldn't be screaming that at the top of my lungs.

Charlie

What's, uh... What's up, man? What's happening, big guy? What's with the gun?

Oh, nothing. I was probably gonna use it to shoot myself or somethin'.

Charlie

Oh, you don't need to do that, man. Why don't you just... put the gun down, buddy?

Pim

Yeah, d-don't worry. Things are gonna be OK. W-what's wrong?

Well, life's not going that great for me. [slowly zoom in with somber background music playing] My wife left me, my kids left me, my dog died from a broken heart last fall. So I don't know. Yeah, probably just gonna end it all or somethin'.

Charlie

Pim, can I, uh... Can I talk to you for a second? [talks to Pim in a hushed voice] Look, Pim, I know it's our job to help this guy and everything, but I think this guy is a lost cause. He has obviously made up his mind. Why don't we just cut our losses and get out of here?

Pim

Oh, come on. That's nonsense, Charlie. We've never given up on a job so far. [walks up to Desmond in an innocent manner] Um, hello there, sir. I know you don't know who I am, but my name is Pim. I know right now things seem bleak, but I promise to you that by the end of this beautiful day, you will have a big gorgeous smile on that handsome face of yours. Oh, won't you give us a chance? [Desmond pauses for a beat]

OK. But if you can't help me... [zoom in on Desmond talking in a disturbing deep machine voice] I'm gonna fuckin' shoot myself and make you two watch.

Pim

OK, not sure about that, but yaaay!

Uh... [the person frantically tries to close the tab but covers the screen from Allan with his hands] Hey, sorry to bother you, but did you a see a mouse run through here by chance?

I don't know. [pause] Yeah, no clue, man. Maybe try down there.

[unsure] Thanks, I'll...check it out.

By the way, for the record, you should probably knock or make yourself known next time you enter someone's place.

Dude, I don't even think you should be in here to begin with.

Yeah, not really your business though, is it?

[bothered] When you're living in our office walls, yeah, it kind of is.

[nodding him to leave] Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[sighs deeply] OK, I'm not... I'm not doing this right now. Bye.

Yeah, bye. [Allen takes one look at the person before moving on]

Whatever.

Are the best parts of life really finding momentary distractions to keep yourself busy so you don't think about the harsh realities of life for a second? I can ride roller coasters, meet new friends, and spend time with my family all day long. It doesn't change the fact that the sun is just gonna explode, and all this was for nothing.

I just wanted my CHEEEEEEESE!

Charlie

Dude, this house is insane! There's like a thousand rooms in here. You have a gym, you got a theatre, [sees wild animals fighting aggressively to death behind a glass window] and you've even got a beautiful animal sanctuary.

Mr. Frog

Yes. But if I don't get my job back on the Mr. Frog Show, I'll lost it all. Hello.

Pim

Well, first things first, have you thought about just apologising for putting that TMZ reporter in your mouth? That was pretty bad.

Mr. Frog

Hello. But I'm not sorry.

Pim

[thinking] Hm... All right, that definitely makes it harder. Um, let's see... [Mr. Frog appears next to Pim's other side]

Mr. Frog

Um, can I pull your hair?

Pim

[scared] Uh, no. No, please don't.

Charlie

No, no, no, no. Screw apologising! All we have to do is rehabilitate his image.

Pim

I guess we could try to make the world see the good side of Mr. Frog. How hard could that be? [both look at Mr. Frog for a beat; Mr. Frog pauses before suddenly pulling Pim's "hair" on top of his head, later revealed to be an exposed nerve ending] GAHH--!!! [the scene transitions to the next one]

Pim

All right, somehow no drugs was worse than drugs. Charlie, if we can't get him under control, I don't think we're gonna be able to help him.

Charlie

Don't worry, Pim, I am way ahead of you. [holds a canister of pills] I gave him some of these already.

Pim

[concerned] Charlie, what did you give him?

Charlie

My uncle had some sleeping pills laying around to help him sleep at night after he rammed his car into a crowd of people.

Pim

Your uncle seems to get into lots of car accidents.

Charlie

Yeah, he loves his cars. He loves his cars. [Pim sees a drugged Mr. Frog floating in the pool, laughing watching a video on his phone]

Pim

Is it safe for him to be in that pool when he's on them?

Charlie

Yeah, no one's ever done anything crazy on sleeping pills.

Charlie

Uh, Smiling Friends. Are you the one who called?

Shrimp

[In a monotone/drone like voice] Yes, I called. It is I, Shrimp. That is my name.

Charlie

Hey Shrimp, what's going on, man?

Shrimp

SIGH. My girlfriend just broke up with me. I am heartbroken.

I like your hair...

Pim

[Pim runs his hand through his single strand of hair] Oh, this old thing? Uh, yeah, it's actually just an exposed nerve ending. But thanks!

Shrimp

How do I look, yellow man?

Charlie

...Y-You look like you're about to tell your friend not to come to school tomorrow, man.

Charlie

[drunkenly] Goddamn, Shrimp... you’re just, like... you’re just, like FUCKED, man. [Charlie takes another gulp of his spaghetti drink] And I ain’t even trying to be offensive or nothing like that, but... I don’t know how you had a girlfriend in the first place.

Shrimp

That is why I do not even bother.

Charlie

Yeah, I know. I’m just saying, you’re just, like... you’re just, like, really, really fucked. I-I genuinely feel bad, it’s not even your fault, man. You’re just a shrimp, you was born like that. You was born like that, you was born a shrimp. You can’t even--... It’s your nature.

Pim

W-Wait, you're Shrimpina, right?

My name is Jennifer.

Shrimp

I have never met this woman in my entire life.

Charlie

...Pim, who is this? Where... Where did you meet this woman?

Pim

I went where Shrimp told me to go. The cafe on 153 Meep Boulevard.

Charlie

Pim, there's no cafe at 153, there's a cafe at 158. You went to the wrong place.

Pim

W-W... Well, wait a second, what about that thing you said at the cafe? About... like, moving on or something?

Yeah. My boyfriend Jason died in a motorcycle accident a few months ago.

Charlie

Jesus Christ, man, Pim. Pim. Aauuughh.

Shrimp

Where is Shrimpina?

Charlie

I have no idea, probably at home? I don't know. P-Pim, did you even see Shrimpina one ti--once?

Charlie

Listen, I-- I've seen way too many people get their careers ruined over old Halloween costumes. I'm not doing it.

Why don't you just put on some facepaint and be a zombie or something?

Charlie

Dude, facepaint gets people in way more trouble than anything else. I mean, I have no idea what's gonna be offensive in ten years!

Pim

Oh, c'mon, Charlie! Where's your Halloween spirit? When you put on a costume, you can be anything!

Charlie

Pim, that's insane.

Whoa! Is that fucking blackface, dude?

No! No, no, no, this isn't blackface. I'm an actual demon.

Bro, please tell me that's not blackface, man.

Are you fucking serious?

Not cool, man.

No! No, no, no, no! You don't understand -- I'm literally a forest demon from across the bridge. This isn't a costume.

Get the fuck out, man!

Charlie

See, that's exactly why I don't dress up for Halloween. Right there. That's the reason.

Pim

Oh, that movie was EPIC!! What do you think, Charlie?