Silicon Valley · Season 1
Well, when you lied to me about adding terms of service, it could be argued you violated your fiduciary duty to the company, rendering you personally liable. I mean, if the FTC brought us to trial, I could be compelled to testify against you.
Jared, I trusted you!
Oh, trust has nothing to do with it, but thanks for making that official.
Question for you. What's better than octopus recipe? Answer for you. Eight recipes for octopus. My grandmother gave me a family recipe before she died in a horrible way.
People don't have people killed in the Valley, not even Gavin Belson, okay? Right, Jared?
I... I once saw him throw a sloth down a flight of stairs after a presentation, and he said it was an accident, but he had this look in his eyes...
Five years at ASU, then you dropped out? No degree?
Mm-hmm.
Pretty solid "C's" in all of your CS classes.
Right.
But really more incompletes than anything.
Yeah, a lot of those classes were at 11:00 a.m.
You're a con man, like Erlich!
What does that mean?
It it's a little term of endearment we have around the house. Uh, a confident man. He sees me as a confident man, and he looks up to me. You know, you have to be patient with him, 'cause he's a bit of a moron.
He and his his posse of bandits and cutthroats will turn on you in a second. You need me the half-crazed, half-Apache who will do anything to get your back. I'll scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those paleface sons of bitches. I'll kill them with knives. I'll kill them with guns. I'll kill them with my hands. I'll talk them into suicide. It doesn't matter.
Well, we all got to talking the other day after class. We couldn't figure out if you were, like, a TA or why you were giving us assignments, but we all agreed we didn't like the way that you were speaking to Professor Bighetti.
I'm used to it.
So we searched your name on PitchBook, and that SeeFood app you got funded at Raviga popped up.
PitchBook? How do you have access to PitchBook?
Your idea was so simple. It was like something you could come up with in the room during a meeting. Which is what Garrett from Coleman Blair told us at the CS undergrad mixer on Friday.
Hey, Erlich. Here I am. Class of '06. Go Cardinal.
Go Cardinal!
Anyways, we founded our own Shazam-for-food company, and he's funding us.
Mm-hmm.
Whoa, congrats! [beat] Wait, that's stealing.
No. It's exactly what Mark Zuckerberg did to the Winklevii in that Facebook movie Professor Bighetti had us watch. And he was the hero of that film. And with all of us working together, we'll easily beat you to market.
So, that's how it goes, huh? Hmm? You steal a man's idea, rendering his company worthless? I've read a number of disparaging articles about your generation in The Atlantic and Slate.com summaries. It's all true.
She'll tell me how cute I am, and how into me she is, and how she hacked into Bowman Avenue dam.
That was the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.
No, it was her! She pinned it on them. She flooded an area being surveyed for hotel construction.
I had my blood tested this morning. My cholesterol is through the roof. At this rate, [tearfully] I'll be dead at the age of a hundred and twenty.
Fuck you, God! What have I done to deserve this?!
The FBI got an anonymous tip about Mia's hacking exploits. Can you believe that? Just my luck! I'm home free!
You ratted your girlfriend out to the FBI, because you're too big of a pussy to break up with her?
I'll never tell. But yes, yes, I did.
Fuck you, Richard Hendricks!
Fuck me regarding...
It's all over the blogs. You took our idea to Gavin Belson?
Whoa. I'm sorry. Our idea?
Yeah, the new Internet. We came up with that together, standing outside of my kid's school. Former school.
Uh, no, um, you told me to name an idea, and so I named one. That was my idea, you were just standing there.
Yeah, pulling it out of you like a newborn baby.
Okay, but, well, if a doctor pulls a baby out of a pregnant woman, the doctor doesn't get to then keep the baby.
Okay, first of all, my ex-wife is fucking the doctor that delivered my son, and they're suing for full custody, so you're wrong.
I looked him dead in the eyes, and I said, 'Daniel, I've fucked every wife you've ever had. Care to go three for three?' Needless to say, he did not.
You don't come off in that story as well as you think you do.
I'm saying that I very much respect what you're doing here, almost revere it, and I wanted to offer my services as an associate. And I will not phone it in. I'll be the first one here at 10:30 a.m. and the last one to leave a smidge after 4:00. I'll, of course, need an office, an attractive personal assistant, paternity leave, if that goes well, and an umbrella insurance policy if that does not go well.
I would like an STD check.
What, did you graze your penis against a toilet seat?
No, I had sex.
Sex with what?
A female.
A female what?
A female human! And I don't know this woman very well, and we didn't use a condom.
Now, listen, Richard, I wouldn't worry so much. People don't really get STDs anymore. We'll get your tests back soon, and I would tell you not to have sex before then, but let's face it lightning ain't gonna strike twice, is it?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Silicon Valley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
