Silicon Valley · Season 1
No, I want a new fridge, a smarter fridge. [pointing to catalog] Like this.
Fourteen thousand dollars for a smart fridge? Unlike you, I now work for a living. I'm not gonna drop that kind of dough on a fridge.
I ordered it already. I buy it for myself.
Then why are you talking to me about it?
To make you feel bad, because you are fat and poor.
You see this? This is a song I bought at a copyright auction. It's an old mariachi number that had cost me practically nothing and so far has bought me two houses and put my village idiot grandson through six years of Emerson.
Oh. All that from "Cancion De Amores"? Was it a popular song?
No, I used the copyright on this song to sue writers of all kinds of songs. Anyway, the writers usually settle, pay me off, or give me a chunk of their song. Thanks to "Cancion De Amores" here, I now own 10 percent of Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine."
Mmm.
It's a classic! And when it runs next month on Mazda's new Super Bowl spot, I print money. But sadly, all the good music copyrights are gone.
[sarcastically] That is so sad.
And that's why I moved into tech. And now, I sue people like you.
Apparently there was frost on the loading dock at our microprocessor plant in Acton.
So, it's cold outside. Why does everyone in this state have to be such a wimp about it?
Well, a semitruck slid right through the door and hit the main breaker panel and melted down the entire facility. The driver was incinerated, instantly.
I see. [beat] Well, thoughts and prayers, obviously. But we'll still be ready to roll out in time for Hoolicon, right? [awkward silence] Guys. Hey. I'm not Gavin Belson. You can be honest with me. How many days will this set us back?
We're going to miss delivery of product by two quarters.
You realize Hoolicon is in one week, right? I mean, it's my first Hoolicon as CEO of this company. I'm supposed to get up on stage, in front of an audience of thousands, and deliver a keynote presentation built entirely around the release of Box Two! I was going to descend onto the stage, in a giant box. Boom! Jack-in-the-box. Then Mike Tyson and Floyd Mayweather were gonna come out and box over who was gonna get to take home the first new box! These are world-class puns! Now I got nothing!
What the fuck? You just gave our proprietary technology to this asshole without even running it by me first? Are you serious?
We were just hanging out, and he was like, "We should try it," and he said we could delete it, and then he started getting really excited. And then he said, you know, "You're doing it," a bunch of times, and then we did it. And then we started getting really excited... and it was so exciting.
And it worked, the VR is rad now.
Gilfoyle... "rad"? You are wearing the exact same pajamas as Dinesh, and you're saying "rad" now? You have been sucked entirely into his little Keenan vortex. Okay.
[looks at himself] I grant you, with [clears throat] the benefit of even a second's distance, this isn't a good look.
Jared, how many people attend Hoolicon?
About a quarter of a million over the whole weekend.
And, Gilfoyle, um, how many more phones do we need to get us off Azure?
A hundred and twenty-three thousand, give or take.
Dinesh, how much are tickets to Hoolicon?
Why would I have that information?
You're not seriously thinking of going to Tibet. You're broke. How the fuck are you gonna pay for that?
That's where you come in, my great friends. I figured we might pass the hat? Just give whatever you are comfortable with.
I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.
Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart. Thank you, young Jianathan. Business class?
Premium economy. You fly one way.
Don't you need a visa to go to China?
Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing. He's very corrupt.
I cannot knowingly contribute to your moral decay.
Well, what if you didn't do it knowingly? You're always telling me how you spent your entire childhood pretending that everything going on around you was okay.
[ominously] Uncle Jerry's game.
All right, fine. I'll fulfill my duties under protest, but I will not do anything illegal nor unethical, and I will not lie. I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience.
Who can say why the phone Gavin Belson brought to market started exploding when we put Keenan Feldspar's technology on it? Huh? Is it Gavin's fault? Is it Keenan's fault? Is it 50-50? Who knows? We need to change the narrative here.
I'm sorry that you had to witness that scene in there. It probably gave you the impression that the company is in disarray, but I can assure you, there's a very simple explanation for that: it is.
Sorry?
Yeah, even setting aside our CEO's sexual extortion, adultery, and lowbrow scatalogical vandalism, we're still essentially a criminal operation whose only real product is dangerous malware. [beat] I see you're fluent in Japanese. Are you gonna be comfortable with casual racism?
How are you gonna spin this to Laurie?
Well, you said you'd protect me from Laurie. I mean, she's your partner, are you afraid of her?
Of course I'm afraid of her! The woman got pregnant just to prove to me that she could do it without missing a day of work.
Richard, this is all an idea. And people don't wanna follow an idea, they wanna follow a leader. Look at the last guy to create a new Internet. Al Gore. His ideas were excellent, but he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner, so he lost the presidency to a fake cowboy and now he makes apocalypse porn.
You waived our no dog policy? I had Jared put that in there for a reason, Richard! In Pakistan, dogs are not pets, okay? They're vicious beasts and they chase you down the street and they bite you. My cousin Eftahar lost an ear. Our mayor was very corrupt, but he put poison pills in chicken meat to take care of the dog problem. We hailed him as a hero. We put up statues of him everywhere.
Over the last 80 years, we've built a real trust with our customers...
Alright! Great tour!
Oh, there's a lot more to see.
Ugh. Why? Look, I came here to offer you a partnership to cut down your server bills.
Oh! Well, our server costs were far higher than we anticipated. As we said, we're not well versed in...
The 20th century? Yeah, you mentioned that. Do you want to save a fortune or not?
Well... yes.
In exchange, I need you to do something for me with regard to the people who hacked your refrigerators. I'm going to destroy their lives.
So, the guy who just kicked me out of my house now owns 10% of my company?
Technically, he kicked you out of his house. He inherited all of Mr. Bachman's assets including his 10% of Pied Piper.
By faking his death.
Allegedly! Look, Richie. You didn't actually lose anything here, okay? Bachman is the aggrieved party, and if he is actually still alive, he'll get his 10% back when he shows up. In the meantime, is it really any worse if it belongs to this Yang guy?
No, I guess not.
So what's your real beef here then, huh, Richie? You got something against him? You don't have, like, a bias against Asians, do you?
Richard?
No, I don't! No, I just don't like being kicked out of my house.
By a...
Nothing. By no one. By any race.
Yeah... I'm hearing something different.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Silicon Valley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
