Silicon Valley · Season 1
So, you moved the swimming pool?
Yeah, it just felt like it was way too far from the house, like, crazy far. So I had this company come and just move it closer.
Uh-huh. But then you moved it back?
Yeah, turns out the guy who built this place knew exactly what he was doing, and the pool was right where it needed to be the whole time. But now I know that for sure, which feels good.
Have either of you been on a jury?
No, of course not. I always get out of it. The fines are very reasonable.
You don't just throw those things away?
Gentlemen, let me tell you what I see. I see two able-bodied, entitled young white men who lucked into more money than most people see in five lifetimes, and who, if they hadn't had their millions stolen, would have promptly squandered them on more things like relocated swimming pools and lost tiki heads.
It's not lost! I know exactly where it is. It's in the bay. And if your Coast Guard would be a little more helpful, we probably could have dragged it out of there by now.
Wait, so she lied? Why would she lie about using the beta?
Yeah, why would Dinesh lie about having friends? Why would Tara lie to me about fucking other guys when we have a totally open and hedonistic relationship that allows for behavior like that? Because people like to lie, Richard. It's a war of all against all. The history of humanity is a book written in blood. We're all just animals in a pit.
I feel very sad.
Fucking Gilfoyle.
What in God's name is that?
What do you think it is? It's a jacket! Now, I only ordered one as a sample, but once I have your sizes, we can all have them.
Why would we all want them? One is already too many. I don't mean in the house. I mean, like, in the world.
Now Gilfoyle, I have you at about a 40 long? Am I right?
If my mother was naked and dead in the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket.
Everything's fine. You know, everything's fine.
That's a lie. I can tell because you subscribe to traditional Judeo-Christian mores of right and wrong. You're made uncomfortable by untruth. My commitment to LaVeyan Satanism grants me certain freedoms. There is no good and evil, there's only self. Would you like a beverage?
Yes, I would.
Lie. You just want me to go to the bar and leave you alone.
[laughing nervously] Gil... you crack me up.
Lie.
You ungrateful pricks, all of you. Your tepid response to our intrepid boss makes me ill. His plan, will it work? Almost certainly not. All of you will likely look back at this time in your lives and realize you wasted a whole year with nothing to show for it. But if this company is a plane, then this is Richard's goddamn plane, and if he wants to fly it in the side of a fucking mountain, that is his prerogative and it is our duty to climb on, strap in and have a fiery death right behind him.
How the fuck does something like this happen? How does an elephant just die?
He was very old and depressed. He'd recently been rescued from the circus, but as it turns out, he actually really loved performing.
You're using endangered animals just to make points at board meetings.
I'm drawing thoughtful, zoological comparisons.
But couldn't you just show them a picture of these animals? A simple Hooli search would yield thousands of choices.
Patrice, I thank you for your honesty, and I will repay you with my own. I honestly never want to see you in my offices again. You're fired.
Hey, Dinesh. I'm just, um, looking for Erlich. Have you seen him?
Oh, he went to the liquor store. Gotta keep the party going, you know?
Oh yeah. Yeah, Series B. Crazy, right?
Oh, it's unreal.
Yeah.
Almost like some of our users.
What? What... what does that mean?
Oh, "unreal" has so many meanings. "Fake," "paid for," "one person in Bangladesh pretending to be 6,000..."
Okay. Um... All right, Dinesh, um...
Oh, no. I don't want to know a fucking thing.
Okay then. Great. I won't tell you anything because nothing happened.
Great. Okay.
[Gilfoyle steps out of the shadows]
But if something did happen, and we're not saying it did, the fact remains that leaves us in a very advantageous position.
There's a lot of money on the table. And it would be a shame if that went away. You know what else would be a shame... is if I couldn't find my flash drive. Gilfoyle, have you seen my flash drive?
Right, the one with the zombie script on it?
Why yes, the zombie script that randomizes user action in platforms such as Pied Piper.
You mean so that fake users and click farms would be absolutely indistinguishable from real users?
Oh, I suppose. I mean, especially during due diligence, like the kind done by VCs or possible future reviews done by certain regulatory bodies. It also had photos of my auntie. Anyway, Gilfoyle, have you seen it?
I have not.
Mm, well, Richard, [places a flash drive on the ground] keep an eye out for it, will ya? Hey, Gilfoyle, you wanna come inside and help me get a new flash drive on WWW.staples.com?
Yeah, I think we're sort of done with the ruse.
I called Big Head to tell him that our share was worth half a mil each and, not five minutes later, his father, one Nelson Bighetti, Sr., called me and explained that I was never to have any financial dealings with his son in perpetuity, uh, ever or he would get 'very Italian' on me. And I'm not interested to find out what that means.
Look at this. There are 157 people using it near Gleb. And 400 people using it near Tara in Boston.
Yeah, I told her to give it to her Satanist friends out there.
Looks like she did.
She knows 400 Satanists in Boston?
Yeah, the Catholic Church really did a number on that town.
It's like this: you're trying to date a woman, but deep down in your heart you know you're gay.
Uh...
But deep in your soul you know you would be rather plowing a dude!
I don't...OK, what dude?
It could be any dude as long you really want to fuck him. It could be a twink, a bear, an otter, a circuit queen, a chub, a pup, a giftster, a daddy chaser, a leather man, a lady boy, a Donald Duck.
[Richard stares, confused]
A Donald Duck is a gay guy that's been kicked out of the navy.
How do you know so many gay things?
My grandfather just came out of the closet. Beautiful. Very inspiring.
So what've you got?
Well, sir, I did as you asked. I flew the company plane to Shanghai, then Moffett, then Jackson Hole. Then I flew back to Shanghai, then to Jackson Hole, then to Moffett, which is where I just landed.
And?
Moffett is 28.3 minutes closer.
I fucking knew it!
Gilfoyle? Gilfoyle, can I please be CEO of Pied Piper?
Spoken like a true leader. But, since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty, tolerating your short reign as CEO in exchange for a front-row seat to the disaster seems fair. Plus, if I'm wrong, which I'm not I get rich.
Oh, my God. It's a VR play. That's the frothiest space in the Valley right now. Nobody understands it, but everybody wants in. Any idiot can walk into a fucking room, utter the letters "V" and "R," and VCs will hurl bricks of cash at him. Then by the time they find out that it's vaporware, it's too late. I have got to get in on this.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Silicon Valley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
