Richard, unfortunately, in this case I think we have to roll over and take it.
Erlich, you have something to say?
Richard... when George Washington founded a little startup we've come to know as these United States of America, and he was tired of getting shit from his CEO, the King of England, did he just roll over and take it from behind? No. He called on his ride-or-die homeboys, Tommy Jefferson, Benny Franklin, and Alex Hamilton... who was half-black, so that's Dinesh.
DineshI'm not half-black.
He said, "Avast, ye fellow badasses, let's build this country the way we motherfucking want to."
[while testing a prototype for the box, the device signals an error] What the fuck? Why isn't this working? Gilfoyle's preprocessor and my compressor should integrate seamlessy. This should work.
I may have made my preprocessor slightly faster than you asked me to do, Richard.
What do you mean? How much slightly faster?
Dinesh
You dick. That's eight times as fast as the specs required. No wonder our modules aren't running at the same speed. Why would you do that?
I tried to make it slow. I really did. But I'm not Dinesh. It's very difficult for me to do shitty work.
What in God's name is that?
What do you think it is? It's a jacket! Now, I only ordered one as a sample, but once I have your sizes, we can all have them.
Dinesh
Why would we all want them? One is already too many. I don't mean in the house. I mean, like, in the world.
Now Gilfoyle, I have you at about a 40 long? Am I right?
If my mother was naked and dead in the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket.
Hey, Dinesh. I'm just, um, looking for Erlich. Have you seen him?
Dinesh
Oh, he went to the liquor store. Gotta keep the party going, you know?
Oh yeah. Yeah, Series B. Crazy, right?
Dinesh
Oh, it's unreal.
Dinesh
Almost like some of our users.
What? What... what does that mean?
Dinesh
Oh, "unreal" has so many meanings. "Fake," "paid for," "one person in Bangladesh pretending to be 6,000..."
Okay. Um... All right, Dinesh, um...
Dinesh
Oh, no. I don't want to know a fucking thing.
Okay then. Great. I won't tell you anything because nothing happened.
Dinesh
Great. Okay.
[Gilfoyle steps out of the shadows]
But if something did happen, and we're not saying it did, the fact remains that leaves us in a very advantageous position.
Dinesh
There's a lot of money on the table. And it would be a shame if that went away. You know what else would be a shame... is if I couldn't find my flash drive. Gilfoyle, have you seen my flash drive?
Right, the one with the zombie script on it?
Dinesh
Why yes, the zombie script that randomizes user action in platforms such as Pied Piper.
You mean so that fake users and click farms would be absolutely indistinguishable from real users?
Dinesh
Oh, I suppose. I mean, especially during due diligence, like the kind done by VCs or possible future reviews done by certain regulatory bodies. It also had photos of my auntie. Anyway, Gilfoyle, have you seen it?
Dinesh
Mm, well, Richard, [places a flash drive on the ground] keep an eye out for it, will ya? Hey, Gilfoyle, you wanna come inside and help me get a new flash drive on WWW.staples.com?
Yeah, I think we're sort of done with the ruse.
Dinesh
Look at this. There are 157 people using it near Gleb. And 400 people using it near Tara in Boston.
Yeah, I told her to give it to her Satanist friends out there.
Dinesh
Looks like she did.
She knows 400 Satanists in Boston?
Yeah, the Catholic Church really did a number on that town.
Dinesh
Gilfoyle? Gilfoyle, can I please be CEO of Pied Piper?
Spoken like a true leader. But, since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty, tolerating your short reign as CEO in exchange for a front-row seat to the disaster seems fair. Plus, if I'm wrong, which I'm not I get rich.
Well, when you lied to me about adding terms of service, it could be argued you violated your fiduciary duty to the company, rendering you personally liable. I mean, if the FTC brought us to trial, I could be compelled to testify against you.
Dinesh
Jared, I trusted you!
Oh, trust has nothing to do with it, but thanks for making that official.
Dinesh
People don't have people killed in the Valley, not even Gavin Belson, okay? Right, Jared?
I... I once saw him throw a sloth down a flight of stairs after a presentation, and he said it was an accident, but he had this look in his eyes...
Dinesh
She'll tell me how cute I am, and how into me she is, and how she hacked into Bowman Avenue dam.
That was the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.
Dinesh
No, it was her! She pinned it on them. She flooded an area being surveyed for hotel construction.
Dinesh
The FBI got an anonymous tip about Mia's hacking exploits. Can you believe that? Just my luck! I'm home free!
You ratted your girlfriend out to the FBI, because you're too big of a pussy to break up with her?
Dinesh
I'll never tell. But yes, yes, I did.
What the fuck? You just gave our proprietary technology to this asshole without even running it by me first? Are you serious?
Dinesh
We were just hanging out, and he was like, "We should try it," and he said we could delete it, and then he started getting really excited. And then he said, you know, "You're doing it," a bunch of times, and then we did it. And then we started getting really excited... and it was so exciting.
And it worked, the VR is rad now.
Gilfoyle... "rad"? You are wearing the exact same pajamas as Dinesh, and you're saying "rad" now? You have been sucked entirely into his little Keenan vortex. Okay.
[looks at himself] I grant you, with [clears throat] the benefit of even a second's distance, this isn't a good look.
Jared, how many people attend Hoolicon?
About a quarter of a million over the whole weekend.
And, Gilfoyle, um, how many more phones do we need to get us off Azure?
A hundred and twenty-three thousand, give or take.
Dinesh, how much are tickets to Hoolicon?
Dinesh
Why would I have that information?
Guys, it can't be that big of a deal, right?
Dinesh
Why should it be? America loves Christians. Muslims are the enemy.
Well, that's true in most of America, but not in Silicon Valley, sadly.
Dinesh
"Sadly"?
You can be openly polyamorous and people here will call you brave. You can put micro-doses of LSD in your cereal, and people will call you a pioneer. But the one thing you cannot be is a Christian.
I find their theology to be illegitimate, and it's clear that they are the source of the majority of the world's problems. But, fuck, Richard, even I wouldn't just out a Christian like that.
Silicon Valley · 163 quotes
