[Breathing deeply to calm himself; struggling to find the words] Two years. I thought...I thought you were dead. Hm? Now you let me grieve. Hm? How could you do that? How?
Sherlock HolmesWait. Before you do anything you might later regret, one question, let me ask one question. [Beat. He indicates John’s moustache] Are you really going to keep that?
[John stares at him for a moment before grabbing him by the jacket and throwing him to the ground in an attempt to throttle him]
[Apparently alone, in a darkened car park, Lestrade goes to light a cigarette]
Sherlock Holmes
Those things will kill you.
[There is a pause as Lestrade registered who just spoke]
Sherlock Holmes
[Stepping out from the shadows] It’s time to come back. You’ve been letting things slide, Graham.
Sherlock Holmes
Greg.
[Lestrade looks at him for a moment, before throwing his arms around Sherlock in a bear hug]
All very interesting, Sherlock, but the terror alert has been raised to critical.
Sherlock Holmes
Boring. Your move.
We have solid information. An attack IS coming.
Sherlock Holmes
[Scornfully] Solid information. A secret terrorist organisation is planning an attack. That’s what secret terrorist organisations do, isn't it? It’s their version of golf.
I have given the Prime Minister my personal assurance that you’re on the case.
Sherlock Holmes
I am on the case. We're both on the case right now.
[A buzzer sounds. Mycroft and Sherlock are revealed to be playing Operation – not chess]
Sherlock Holmes
Whoopsy! Can’t handle a Broken Heart. How very telling.
Sherlock Holmes
That takes me back. “Don’t be smart, Sherlock! I’m the smart one!”
Sherlock Holmes
Oh, I used to think I was an idiot.
Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, until we met other children.
Sherlock Holmes
Oh, yes. That was a mistake.
Ghastly. What were they thinking of?
Sherlock Holmes
Probably something about "trying to make friends".
Oh, yes. "Friends". Of course, you go in for that sort of thing now.
Sherlock Holmes
And you don’t? Ever?
If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I’m living in a world of goldfish.
Sherlock Holmes
Yes, but I’ve been away for two years.
Sherlock Holmes
Oh, I don’t know...I thought you perhaps might have found yourself a...goldfish.
DDavid
Yeah, we’ve, um...we’ve met.
[Flashback to Sherlock’s living room, where he is apparently interviewing David]
DDavid
So, what exactly are my duties as an usher?
Sherlock Holmes
Let’s talk about Mary first.
Sherlock Holmes
Oh, I think you know what. You went out with her for two years.
DDavid
Er...ages ago, we’re just good friends now.
Sherlock Holmes
Is that a fact? Whenever she tweets, you respond within five minutes regardless of time or current location, suggesting you have her on text alert. In all your Facebook photos of the happy couple, Mary takes centre frame whereas John is always partly or entirely excluded.
DDavid
[Laughing nervously] You can’t assume from that that I’ve still got...some kind of interest in Mary...
Sherlock Holmes
You volunteered to be a shoulder to cry on on no less than three separate occasions. Do you have anything to say in your defence? [David looks stunned] I think from now on we’ll downgrade you to ‘casual acquaintance with no more than three planned social encounters a year, and always in John’s presence’. I have your contact details. I will be monitoring.
DDavid
...They’re right about you. You’re a bloody psychopath.
Sherlock Holmes
High-functioning sociopath. With your number. [He grins evilly]
[Greeting the guests, a small boy runs up to Sherlock and gives him a big hug around the waist]
Sherlock Holmes
Erm...yes, well done in the service, Archie.
AMArchie’s Mum
He’s really come out of his shell. I don’t know how you did it.
[Sherlock looks away. Flashback to Sherlock’s living room, where he is trying to persuade Archie to be a pageboy]
Sherlock Holmes
Basically, it’s cute smile to the bride’s side, cute smile to the groom’s side, and then the rings.
Sherlock Holmes
And you have to wear the outfit.
Sherlock Holmes
You really do have to wear the outfit.
Sherlock Holmes
Grownups like that sort of thing.
Sherlock Holmes
[Exasperated] I don’t know, I’ll ask one.
AArchie
[Questioningly] You’re a detective?
Sherlock Holmes
Yep.
AArchie
Have you solved any murders?
Sherlock Holmes
Sure, loads.
Sherlock Holmes
[Beat] Yeah, alright.
[They look through pictures on Sherlock’s laptop]
AArchie
What’s all the stuff in his eye?
Sherlock Holmes
Maggots.
[Sherlock raises an eyebrow at this. Back to the wedding]
AMArchie’s Mum
He said you had some pictures for him? As a treat.
Sherlock Holmes
Er...yes...if he’s...good...
Sherlock Holmes
[Quickly] Lovely little village...
AMArchie’s Mum
Hm? What did you say?
[Sherlock is recounting the events preceding John's stag night]
Murder scenes? Locations of... murders?
Sherlock Holmes
Pub crawl, themed.
Yeah, but why can't you just do underground stations?
Sherlock Holmes
Lacks the personal touch. We're going to go for a drink in every...
...street where you've found a corpse. Delightful! Where do I come in?
Sherlock Holmes
Don't want to get ill. That would ruin it, spoil the mood.
But you're a graduate chemist, can't you just work it out?
Sherlock Holmes
I lack the practical experience.
Meaning that you think I like a drink?
Sherlock Holmes
Occasionally.
Sherlock Holmes
No, no...[awkward pause] You look... well.
Sherlock Holmes
How's... [struggling to remember the name] Tom?
Sherlock Holmes
Still? Good.
And we're having quite a lot of sex.
Sherlock Holmes
Okaaay. I want you to calculate John's ideal intake, and mine, to remain in the sweet spot for the whole evening. Light-headedness, good.
Urinating in wardrobes, bad.
[The boys have been out on John’s stag night, and are now lying at the bottom of the stairs to 221B Baker Street, very drunk]
Sherlock Holmes
[Slurring] I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?
No, I... don’t have an international reputation.
Sherlock Holmes
No. And I can’t even remember what for. ‘S... crime. Something like that.
Oh! What are you doing back? I thought you were going out late?
Sherlock Holmes
Ah, Hudders. What time is it?
You've only been out two hours.
[Playing a drunk game of Yes or No; John is ‘Madonna’, while Sherlock’s nametag reads ‘Sherlock Holmes’]
Sherlock Holmes
[Sniggering] Yes.
Am I... pretty? This? [Pointing to his nametag]
Sherlock Holmes
Beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models.
Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?
[Interrogating victims of the Mayfly Man in his imaginary courtroom]
Sherlock Holmes
[to the nurse] What did you say? You said John Hamish Watson. You said that. You said Hamish. How did you know? How did you know his middle name? He never tells anyone, he hates it.
[Flash to Baker Street. Sherlock is trying to guess John’s middle name]
Sherlock Holmes
John... H... Watson?
[Over breakfast]
Sherlock Holmes
Henry?
[Reading]
Sherlock Holmes
Humphrey?
[Through the bathroom door, while John is in the shower]
Sherlock Holmes
Higgins?
[Back to the courtroom]
Sherlock Holmes
It took him years to confide in me...
[John comes in to find Sherlock reading something]
...That’s my birth certificate.
Sherlock Holmes
Yep.
[Back to the courtroom]
Sherlock Holmes
And the Woman, she knew.
[There is a momentary flashback to A Scandal In Belgravia]
Sherlock Holmes
God knows where she is.
[Suddenly, Irene Adler is stood before Sherlock, naked. She traces a fingernail down his jawline]
Sherlock Holmes
[Exasperated] Out of my head. I’m busy!
JJanine
Sherlock Holmes, you are a back-stabbing, heartless, manipulative bastard.
Sherlock Holmes
And you, as it turns out, are a grasping, opportunistic, publicity-hungry tabloid whore.
JJanine
So, we're good, then?
Sherlock Holmes
Yeah, of course.
(panting with rage against Mary) I've got a better question: is everyone I've ever met a psychopath?
Sherlock Holmes
(short pause) Yes. Good that we've settled that. Now--
SHUT UP!! And stay shut up, because this is not funny. Not this time.
Sherlock Holmes
I didn't say it was funny.
(turns to Mary) You. What have I ever done? Hmm? My whole life, to deserve you?
Sherlock Holmes
Everything.
(steps towards Sherlock threateningly) Sherlock, I told you. Shut up.
Sherlock Holmes
No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything, everything you've ever done is what you did.
Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
Sherlock Holmes
You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. (waves hand) Hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
(surprised) It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing!
Sherlock Holmes
(offhandedly) And exotic dancing.
(insulted) Sherlock Holmes, if you've been YouTubing--
Sherlock Holmes
(losing patience) John, you're addicted to a certain lifestyle! You're abnormally attracted...to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you've fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?
(voice breaking) But she wasn't supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?
Sherlock Holmes
Because you chose her.
Why is everything...always...MY FAULT?!? (kicks a chair aside ferociously)
(flees into the kitchen, horrified) Oh, the neighbours.
Sherlock Holmes
John, listen. Be calm and answer me. What is she?
Sherlock Holmes
No. What is she?
The woman who is carrying my child who has lied to me since the day I met her.
Sherlock Holmes
No. Not in this flat. Not in this room. Right here, right now, what...is...she?
Okay. Your way. (resentful) Always your way. (places a chair in front of Mary) Sit.
Because that's where they sit! The people who come in here with their stories. The clients. That's what you are now, Mary. You're a client. This is where you sit and talk and this is where we sit and listen and we decide if we want you or not!
Sherlock · 206 quotes
