Sherlock Holmes quotes from Sherlock

Are you two smoking?!

Mycroft Holmes

No!

Sherlock Holmes

[simultaneously] It was Mycroft!

Mycroft Holmes

I have, by the way, a job offer I should like you to decline.

Sherlock Holmes

I...decline your kind offer.

Mycroft Holmes

I shall pass on your regrets.

Sherlock Holmes

What was it?

Mycroft Holmes

MI6. They want to place you back into Eastern Europe. An undercover assignment that would prove fatal to you in, I think, about six months.

Sherlock Holmes

Then why don't you want me to take it?

Mycroft Holmes

It's tempting, but on balance, you have more utility closer to home.

Sherlock Holmes

Utility! How do I have utility?

Mycroft Holmes

Here be dragons. [coughs on his cigarette] This isn't agreeing with me. I'm going in.

Sherlock Holmes

[amused] You need low tar. You still smoke like a beginner.

Mycroft Holmes

Also...your loss would break my heart.

Sherlock Holmes

What the hell am I supposed to say to that?!

Mycroft Holmes

Merry Christmas?

Sherlock Holmes

You hate Christmas.

Mycroft Holmes

Yes. Perhaps there was something in the punch.

Sherlock Holmes

Clearly. Go and have some more.

Sherlock Holmes

One false move and we will have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be imprisoned for high treason. Magnusson is quite possibly the most dangerous man we've ever encountered and the odds are stacked incomprehensibly against us.

John Watson

But it's Christmas!

Sherlock Holmes

[With a huge grin] I feel the same! [sees John's expression] Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas.

John Watson

Sherlock, what do we do?

Nothing! There's nothing to be done. Oh, I'm not a villain, I have no "evil plan". I'm a businessman, acquiring assets. You happen to be one of them. Sorry, no chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr. Holmes!

Sherlock

Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero, I'm a high-functioning sociopath! Merry Christmas! [shoots Magnussen in the head, then drops the gun and raises his hands to the police helicopter] Get away from me, John! Stay well back!

John Watson

CHRIST, SHERLOCK!

John Watson

So...here we are.

Sherlock Holmes

William Sherlock Scott Holmes.

John Watson

Sorry?

Sherlock Holmes

That's the whole of it. If you're looking for baby names.

John Watson

The game is over.

Sherlock Holmes

The game is never over, John. But there may be some new players now.

Sherlock Holmes

John, there's something I should say, I've meant to say always and I never have. Since it's unlikely we'll ever meet again, I might as well say it now.

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock is actually a girl's name.

John Watson

...It's not.

Sherlock Holmes

It was worth a try.

John Watson

We're not naming our daughter after you.

Sherlock Holmes

Mycroft

Mycroft

Hello little brother. How's the exile going?

Sherlock Holmes

I've only been gone four minutes.

Mycroft

Well, I certainly hope you've learnt your lesson. As it turns out, you're needed.

Sherlock Holmes

Oh, for god's sake, make up your mind.

Sherlock Holmes

The bride's face, how was it described?

White as death, mouth like a crimson wound.

Sherlock Holmes

Poetry or truth?

Many would say they're the same thing.

Sherlock Holmes

Yes, idiots. Poetry or truth?

John Watson

That watch that you're wearing - there's a photograph inside it. I glimpsed it once. I believe it is of Irene Adler.

Sherlock Holmes

[irritated] You didn't "glimpse" it, you waited till I had fallen asleep and looked at it.

John Watson

Yes, I did.

Sherlock Holmes

You seriously thought I wouldn't notice?

John Watson

Irene Adler.

Sherlock Holmes

Formidable opponent. A remarkable adventure.

John Watson

A very nice photograph.

Sherlock Holmes

Why are you talking like this?

John Watson

Why are you so determined to be alone?

Sherlock Holmes

Are you quite well, Watson?

John Watson

Is it such a curious question?

Sherlock Holmes

From a Viennese alienist, no; from a retired army surgeon, most certainly!

John Watson

Holmes, against absolutely no opposition whatsoever, I am your closest friend.

Sherlock Holmes

I concede it.

John Watson

I am currently attempting to have a perfectly normal conversation with you.

Sherlock Holmes

[tersely] Please don't.

John Watson

Why do you need to be alone?

Sherlock Holmes

If you are referring to romantic entanglement, Watson – which I rather fear you are – as I have often explained before, all emotion is abhorrent to me. It is the grit in a sensitive instrument...

John Watson

[almost simultaneously with him] ... "the crack in the lens", yes.

Sherlock Holmes

Well, there you are, you see? I've said it all before.

John Watson

No, I wrote all that. You're quoting yourself from The Strand Magazine.

Sherlock Holmes

Well, exactly.

John Watson

No, those are my words, not yours! That is the version of you that I present to the public: the brain without a heart, the calculating machine. I write all of that, Holmes, and the readers lap it up, but I do not believe it.

Sherlock Holmes

Well, I've a good mind to write to your editor.

John Watson

You are a living, breathing man. You've lived a life; you have a past.

Sherlock Holmes

[offended] A what?!

John Watson

Well, you must have had...

Sherlock Holmes

Had what?

John Watson

[haltingly, awkward] ... you know...

Sherlock Holmes

No.

John Watson

[swallows] Experiences.

Sherlock Holmes

[angrily] Pass me your revolver. I have a sudden need to use it.

John Watson

Damn it, Holmes, you are flesh and blood. You have feelings, you have... you must have... impulses.

Sherlock Holmes

[through clenched teeth] Dear Lord, I have never been so impatient to be attacked by a murderous ghost...!

John Watson

I saw the ghost with my own eyes!

Sherlock Holmes

You saw nothing. You saw what you were supposed to see.

John Watson

You said yourself: I have no imagination.

Sherlock Holmes

Then use your brain, such as it is, to eliminate the impossible, which in this case is the ghost, and observe what remains, which in this case is a solution so blindingly obvious even Lestrade could work it out!

[sarcastic] Thank you...!

Sherlock Holmes

Cocaine. A seven percent solution. Would you care to try it?

John Watson

No. But I would quite like to find every ounce of the stuff in your possession and pour it out of the window.

Sherlock Holmes

[amused] I should be inclined to stop you.

John Watson

Then you would be reminded, quite forcibly, which of us is a soldier and which of us a drug addict.

Sherlock Holmes

You're not a soldier, you are a doctor.

John Watson

I'm an army doctor, which means I could break every bone in your body while naming them.

Sherlock Holmes

My dear Watson, you are allowing emotion to cloud your judgement.

John Watson

Never on a case. You promised me, never on a case.

Sherlock Holmes

No, I just said that in one of your stories.

John Watson

[angrily] Listen. I'm happy to play the fool for you. I will run along behind you like some halfwit, making you look clever, if that's what you need, [raising his voice] but DEAR GOD ABOVE, you will hold yourself to a higher standard!

Sherlock Holmes

Why?

John Watson

Because people need you to!

Sherlock Holmes

What people? Why? Because of your idiot stories?

John Watson

[matter-of-factly] Yes, because of my "idiot stories".

Mycroft Holmes

He's right, you know.

Sherlock Holmes

So what if he's right? He's always right, it's boring.

Sherlock Holmes

Don’t read them out.

Mycroft Holmes

“Free as a bird.”

Sherlock Holmes

God, you’re such a spoilsport.

Mycroft Holmes

Will you take this matter seriously, Sherlock?

Sherlock Holmes

I am! What makes you think I’m not taking it seriously?

Mycroft Holmes

“#OhWhatABeautifulMorning”

John Watson

Sherlock…

Sherlock Holmes

It’s never twins.