BBania
[reading Jerry's note] "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine." That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You know Frank, you could take a break.
No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.
See that salesman, twirling that umbrella?
Uh huh.
I invented that.
That had to be invented?
[about Elaine's boyfriend] He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
Who are any of her losers?
You're on that list.
SSeth
[Calling out the next order up over the restaurant's p.a. system] Number 67- family feast.
[Jumps up from his seat and runs to the counter] Number 67! Right here.
Hello, Newman.
Hello, Jerry.
SSeth
And don't forget your steamed broccoli. [Hands Newman a container but Jerry grabs it instead]
Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
I love broccoli. It's... good for you.
Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!
It's for Kramer, isn't it? I knew it! The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers! He's hooked on the chicken! Isn't he?
[desperately] Yes! Now, please, someone, honey mustard! [takes a shot of the mustard, pounds his hand on the counter twice, exhales and leaves]
You speak Burmese?
PPeterman
No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place?
No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood
PPeterman
Are you an assassin?
I work for your mail order catalog.
PPeterman
You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill?
Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here
PPeterman
I'd be happy to Elaine... but I will have to see this hat.
WMrs. Wilky
We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
JCJackie Chiles
Rugged? The man’s a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days! By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothin' more than a shrunken head.
Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant. [hits a home run] It's not complicated.
DJDerek Jeter
Now, who are you again?
George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.
[hits another home run]
BWBernie Williams
Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?
DJDerek Jeter
Hey, we won the World Series.
[derisively] In six games. [hits another home run]
You had more bread?
That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
I was handcuffed to the bed... In my underwear, where I remained... [Scene cuts to another story] She was attractive... She was, also, in fact, a Nazi... [Cuts to another story] The water... that I had been swimming in was... very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was... significant shrinkage... [Scene cuts to another story] Her parents were looking at me... So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. [Gets up] Thank you. [George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing... ] Oh, also... my fiancé died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. [Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members] Thanks again.
Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.
Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?
Well, not here. [Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag]
Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?
Well, it's chicken feed. [stuffs the bag into the fridge]
I sense something is afoot.
Yeah, I bought a chicken.
Allow me. Why?
Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
So he just shaves his head for no reason?
That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!
Jerry You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
And we want you to have the money.
I don't need the money.
What're you talking about? You had a check bounce at the bodega.
Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?!
Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. [digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping] It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.
Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.
Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.
Oh my god.
Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.
You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?
Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.
20 years... that long?
Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
Unfortunately, yes.
How's your family history?
I have an aunt that died at age seven.
Really?
Aunt Baby.
Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."
[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?
What does that mean?
Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."
No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
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