Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?
Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.
LThe lawyer
Situation number four: You're breathing on your own you're conscious, but with no muscular function.
Well, would I be able to communicate? I don't see how. I don't like the sound of this one.
Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh? Yank it like you're starting a mower.
LThe lawyer
You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system.
Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
LThe lawyer
One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.
Who was the last president to have a beard?
No, I mean a real thick beard.
No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?
Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard
The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.
[on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero]
Believe it or not,
George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.
[after Jerry's girlfriend's toothbrush got knocked into the toilet] You still couldn't kiss her?
She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
Jer, do you see where this is going?
Being really clean and happy?
Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
[thoughtful] Hmm, that could hurt me.
[Kramer, after spilling flammable paint thinner all over the road]
[later, after realizing that the paint thinner is highly flammable]
[quietly, watching The English Patient] No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. [yells] Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!
JPJ. Peterman
[surprised] Elaine, you don't like the movie?
[the audience shushes Elaine]
[Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A worried George sits at the table.]
[disbelief] So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!
[Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the floor.]
[animated] Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.
George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.
[surprised] So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?
I don't know, but you better keep it up.
I'm gonna go meet Danielle. [grabs his coat] There's a new Neil in town! [triumphant laughter] Hahaha!
[George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.]
[to himself] I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. [answers phone] Hello.
[In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt.]
Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?
I will, I just walked in the door.
Helen, will you stop bothering him.
Jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head.
[The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, agitated.]
Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. [shrill] What's going on!?
[animated] They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.
So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.
Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.
[confused] We're talking about people, right?
Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.
I thought they smelled pretty nice.
Jerry, your palate's unrefined.
I'm not having this conversation.
[Kramer is having a meeting with Earl Haffler - the cigar-smoking, stetson-hat-and-string-tie-wearing, Texan businessman he met in The Diplomat's Club.]
HHaffler
Awright, partner. Let's get down to business.
[nervous] Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.
[He walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.]
[He calls a few words of gibberish Spanish out of the door, and the three guys stroll in. As if to convince Haffler they are in fact Cuban, they are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and caps.]
Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.
[Haffler regards the three guys for a second or two.]
HHaffler
You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper now, would you?
[fidgety] Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any more Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.
HHaffler
[confusion] We're talking about people, right?
HHaffler
I thought he quit smoking cigars.
Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... [thinks for a second] ...Dennis.
HHaffler
[dubious] Dennis Castro?
HHaffler
Get the hell outta my office.
Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
How could you swim in that water?
I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.
[A kid is looking through a telescope across the East River alongside his father and he sees Kramer swimming]
FFather
Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
SSon
Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
FFather
Nah, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.
Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
But you yada yada'd over the best part.
No, I mentioned the bisque.
FCFather Curtis
[in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son.
Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
FCFather Curtis
That's no sin.
Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
FCFather Curtis
And this offends you as a Jewish person?
No, it offends me as a comedian!
