Seinfeld Season 1 quotes

George

All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.

Jerry

Right.

George

You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.

Jerry

Lip area.

George

You know, a hug: definitely good.

Jerry

Hug is definitely good.

George

Sure.

Jerry

Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?

George

That's so brutal, I hate that.

Jerry

You know how they do that?

George

That's why, you know, a shake is bad.

Jerry

Shake is bad, but what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?

George

Hand sandwich.

Jerry

Right.

George

I see. Well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes...

Jerry

Men are not subtle — men are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women! It's the only thing we know for sure: we want women! How do we get women? Oh, we don't know that. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it…? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry

There's something about a check that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?"

Jerry

[while playing Scrabble] "Quone"?

Helen

...30...31...

Jerry

"Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.

Helen

...32...

Kramer

No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.

Jerry

I am challenging.

Kramer

Quone. To quone something.

Jerry

Uh-huh.

Helen

I'm not playing with you anymore.

Morty

Quone's not a word.

Jerry

[showing the dictionary] No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.

Helen

[to Kramer] Why did you make me put that down?

Kramer

Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.

Kramer

[Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy?

Jerry

No.

Kramer

[Staggers in shock] How can you not have insurance?

Jerry

Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today... it has only one design flaw: the door... [closing door] MUST BE CLOSED!!

Kramer

Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!

Jerry

Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident.

Kramer

I made a mistake.

Elaine

These things happen.

Kramer

I'm human

Jerry

In your way.

Jerry

I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say: "Call the police. You really should call the police." So you think to yourself, ya know, you watch TV, you think: "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police come over to your house...they fill out: the report...they give you: your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him, he's a PENGUIN!

George

She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk."

Jerry

Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George

That or "Whose bra is this?"

Jerry

That's worse.

Elaine

Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat?

Jerry

Where?

Elaine

I don't care. I'm not hungry.

Jerry

We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.

Elaine

What are we gonna do there, talk?

Jerry

We can talk.

Elaine

I'll go if I don't have to talk.

Jerry

Then we'll just sit there.

Jerry

I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.

George

I never heard him say anything really funny.

Jerry

But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor.

George

You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.

Jerry

Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?

George

I don't know but he ain't funny.

Elaine

What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene.

Jerry

So what are you gonna do?

Elaine

I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?

Jerry

Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?

Elaine

What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?

Jerry

I'm no cat killer.

Kramer

[about his cantaloupe] Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.

Jerry

It's too far.

Kramer

It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart.

Jerry

I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?

Kramer

See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.

Jerry

I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.

Jerry

The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting Room." There's no chance of not waiting. 'Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about them. Things like, "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room – the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don't want to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theatres that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two…"

George

You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.

Jerry

I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense...am I wrong?

Jerry

This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.

George

Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.

Jerry

Absolutely.

George

It's fabulous.