[narration] There comes a time when every man needs to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or whether it's a personal choice. In the end, it's about integrity, and it's about chasing after what you really want, even if that means showing you both care a little. And sometimes... well, sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Bob, I cannot believe you're going to turn this hospital into a money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures they don't even need.
Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.
[Turk and Carla are at a cake store, in search of one for their wedding.]
What's up with the white people on top?
Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
BBaker
I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Turk!
What? [To baker] While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
BBaker
Forget it.
[The baker walks off to the back of his shop.]
Where're you going?! To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!
[Jack starts crying during a fight between Dr. Cox and Jordan]
Great, we made him cry. If we keep this up, we are gonna scar him for life!
I don't necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!
[Dr. Cox pushes the Janitor; the Janitor laughs.]
JJanitor
That was a mistake.
Why, because you're afraid you can't take me?
JJanitor
No, it's because of this. Boys!
[Four janitors show up and grab Dr. Cox.]
JJanitor
You know where to take 'im.
[The four men carry Dr. Cox away.]
Take me? Take me where? Maintenance? Maintenance? Oh, no- the Maintenance Brothers!
[Later]
Why is your mouth red?
Duct tape, two hours in a morgue drawer, don’t piss off the Janitor, end of story.
[Carla's wedding has gone disastrously wrong]
Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairytale idea about the perfect wedding. And, oh yeah, I always ended up married.
Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.
Per, is making out with a stranger cheating?
Technically, not if it's under 10 seconds, dear.
Eh, not worth it!
[Drunk] Dr. Turkleton!
Actually sir, it's just Turk.
That's your first name.
You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
[Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get another Scotch?
It's J.D.'s last week of residency]
[to Dr. Cox] C'mon, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station! You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.
I suppose I could riff on a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV. Wireless hotspots. The Bush daughters. The O.C. The U.N. Getting Punk'd. Danny Gans. The Latin Grammys. The real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees' payroll. All the red states. All the blue states. Every hybrid car. Every talk show host. Everything on the planet. Everything in the solar system. Everything-everything-everything-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh... and Hugh Jackman! [leaves]
Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!
Newbie, do you want me to give my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
I agrizzle, my nizzle.
[Dr. Cox has just made Elliot Chief Resident, passing J.D. over; J.D. does not take the news well.]
Newbie, how you doing?
[voiceover] OK, keep it together. It's "be a man" time. [out loud, barely holding together] No, it's fine. You did what you had to do! You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. [hysterically] Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?! Who's going to tell my mom?! And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?! [Falls to his knees, throwing business cards everywhere]
Relax, Scarlet, you're chief resident too.
Uh, what now?
Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle.
So wait, why didn't you just say that in the first place?
What, and miss your hall-of-fame hissy? Not on your life.
So what do you think?
I’ll tell you there, Bobbo, either this kid has a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.
MCMolly Clock
I think, as a psychiatrist, I should be there when Ms. Myers' bandages get removed. I mean, the accident was traumatic enough, but with reconstructive facial surgey on top of that? In my professional opinion: yikes!
Well, if you are coming in, I might just go ahead and phone up my pool man and my architect so we populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.
MCMolly Clock
Great! My mom's in town, should I call her?
[Dr. Cox makes a face and walks off]
[laughing] That was good.
You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
[narration] ...That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.
NDNew Doctor
[Approaching from behind a wall] Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.
Hey Ron, the "I don't care" ward's down there.
[J.D. is asking people at the hospital if they've ever unintentionally killed a patient]
Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?
Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
DDoug
Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.
I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
DDoug
On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.
Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
DDoug
Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.
No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.