Pat McAfee quotes from Royal Rumble

At #20, a surprise here tonight, Chelsea Green is here.

The Internet was tripping, it looks like the Internet was right. Not that it's always wrong, but it's not always right. And tonight, Chelsea Green is back.

Just doing a quick little bit of research here on Chelsea Green.

Look at that side of your work phone. I can tell you this. Nobody in this ring can be happy about Chelsea Green showing back up in WWE, particularly being in the Royal Rumble Match.

[Rhea Ripley rushes to Chelsea as she enters the ring...] Well, Corey, this is actually the second time [...and throws her out the other side, eliminating her] in her career! Well, thanks for coming.

[over Chelsea's irate screams] She's gone! Chelsea Green is no longer in the Rumble!

I didn't even get a chance to make fun of her husband!

And I believe now that is a record. I believe Chelsea Green eliminated faster than anyone in history in the Women's Royal Rumble match.

Congratulations, Chelsea, you broke a record.

Five seconds, record-setter. [Becky Lynch eliminates Dakota Kai] Oh, wait a minute!

Okay, she's not happy.

Dakota Kai!

She can look back on this as being a successful evening.

[Becky eliminates Iyo Sky] And now Iyo Sky. [Bayley quickly eliminates Becky] Bayley eliminated Becky!

They did it!

Bayley throws The Man out of the ring!

And now, Liv Morgan from behind, trying to eliminate Bayley and does!

Oh, no!

And now Becky's beating the hell out of Bayley! And all hell's breaking loose with Damage Control and Becky Lynch!

It's about time for Adam Pearce; he hasn't been out here for thirty minutes. Get out here and try to break this thing up.

I feel really bad. I guaranteed my friend Aaron that Bayley was gonna win the Royal Rumble match. It's gonna cost him a bunch of money now.

Listen, I do that literally every single day. Wrong all the time.

You make a lot more than I do!

Valid.

[Having just been inadvertently blinded by Asuka's mist, Liv Morgan is struggling to make it to her feet whilst Ripley comes toward her] Liv has no idea where she even is! Backed up into the corner; she's gotta try to get back into the ring, but she's blinded!

[Suddenly, Morgan catches Ripley] LIV FINDS HER WAY!

[Liv delivers a New Jersey's Buster to Ripley, who slips off the apron and has to hold on to the top rope] Oh my goodness! Rhea's... hanging on! Slipped off the apron! Did the feet touch? No!

[Liv, purely on instinct, flails away at Ripley's hands, still holding tightly on to the top rope] Liv can't see a thing!

Yeah, on instinct alone. [Suddenly, Ripley pulls her feet up, clamps Morgan's head, and throws Liv out, winning the Rumble] Morgan... ELIMINATED BY RHEA RIPLEY! RHEA'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Here is your 2023 Women's Royal Rumble winner: Rhea Ripley!

Guys, Rhea Ripley becomes just the fourth person in the 35-year history of the Royal Rumble match [after Shawn Michaels (1995), Chris Benoit (2004), and Edge (2021)] to go from #1 to winning the event, and now gets her pick of what champion she wants to face in the main event of WrestleMania.

[making reference to a comment Punk had just said] He said "Dusty's kid".

He said, "I didn't wait 10 years to lose to Dusty's kid."

And now taking Cody, as he looks at the WrestleMania sign, and prolongs the agony for Cody Rhodes. [But Rhodes escapes the move] Looking for the Go To Sleep; Cody, though, able to catch him!

[Rhodes mouths something to Punk, and he repeats:] "I'm not Dusty's kid anymore!" [And with that, Rhodes throws Punk out, winning the Rumble] UNBELIEVABLE!

PUNK ELIMINATED! CODY RHODES IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Here is your winner of the Men's Royal Rumble: "The American Nightmare" Cody Rhodes!

For the first time in over a quarter of a century, [since Stone Cold Steve Austin in 1998] a man has gone back-to-back to win the Royal Rumble match! And for Cody Rhodes, the miracle! The opportunity! The chance to finish the story is alive and well!

Charlotte Flair dumps Nia out! It's down to Charlotte and Roxanne! It's down to Charlotte and Roxanne!

Nia!

[Perez, still hanging on to the ropes, attempts to hurricanrana Flair out, but Flair holds on to Perez's feet] Roxanne looking to eliminate Charlotte Flair. Charlotte, though, may be in control! [Flair tosses Perez to the apron] Roxanne out to the apron! [Perez headbutts Flair's stomach, in an attempt to keep Flair back] One of these women are going to WrestleMania! [Flair kicks Perez in the head] Charlotte with a kick... [A knocked out Perez falls to the floor, winning Flair the Rumble] CHARLOTTE FLAIR IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Here is your 2025 Women's Royal Rumble winner: Charlotte Flair!

Charlotte Flair becomes a two-time winner of the women's Royal Rumble match [having previously won the 2020 match]! She now gets to pick the champion of her choosing to face at the Granddaddy, the Spectacle in Las Vegas, WrestleMania!

Both men teetering on the apron, close to elimination, exchanging blows... [Indeed, both Uso and Cena exchange shots, with the crowd "yeet"ing with each one landed by Uso]

Disaster waiting for you down below.

[Uso sets up Cena for a superkick] Don't risk it! Don't risk it!

[But he does; the impact has Cena barely hanging on to the top rope] Uso with a superkick; John... John hanging on! Just hanging on! [And then, Cena attempts to Attitude Adjust Uso out] Looking for the AA! [But Uso escapes...] Jey hanging in there! [...and shoves Cena out, winning the Rumble] JEY WINS! JEY USO! JEY USO IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Here is your 2025 Men's Royal Rumble winner: "Main Event" Jey Uso!

[over Alicia's announcement] YOU DID IT, JEY USO!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is no longer just a nickname! It is no longer a moniker! Jey Uso is truly the Main Event at WrestleMania! [As he says this, Cena returns to the ring. After staring at Uso for a moment, the two embrace] Mad respect!

Well, the sound of John Cena's body hitting the floor was amplified by millions of jaws around the world, simultaneously doing so!

You earned this, Jey!

Goddamn right he did.