Well, don't look at me. If we would have had sex like I wanted to, none of this would have happened.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
How's my baklava?
PPolice Officer
It's very hot. Don't touch it.
[touches baklava] Ow!
You think 'cause you got a gun, she's gonna listen to you?
CCoroner
[checks the body for a pulse] Yep, he's dead.
Well, there's that in-depth medical expertise we've been waitin' for.
Let me see if I got this straight: we need milk.
Milk.
We need eggs.
Eggs.
Bullets.
What kind of list is he making, not that it's any of my business?
A hitlist.
If my parents move to Lanford, I'm going to be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in prison for blowing them away.
FMr. Faber
How long you been here, anyway?
Long enough.
FMr. Faber
Your, uh, personnel file says "11 years."
You know, the last three supervisors was checking out my personnel file, but you see any of them around here?
FMr. Faber
[after Roseanne quits by dramatically punching out and tossing her time-card on the floor] Well, that was a wonderful performance, Roseanne, but if any of you are considering joining her, may I point out there are two doors to this room: one that pays and one that doesn't.
[following Roseanne's lead, Jackie punches out, quitting. One by one, Vonda, Sylvia, and Crystal do the same.]
I guess we're not going to make our quota today, Honey-bunch.
It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right....What was your name again?
Sally Field!
[Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?
Not all of her. If I were you I'd check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.
Darlene, you have such a big mouth.
And you have such a small chest.
At least I have a chest!
At least I'm not a drooling boy-crazed nymphomaniac.
Hey, leave me out of this!
You're just jealous 'cause I have a date.
And a two-ply chest!
Hermaphrodite!
[temporarily speechless] Oh yeah?! [leaves kitchen]
[about what happened to Becky during her pep squad speech] Just as she completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.
What happened?
Becky... cut... the cheese.
People are already calling her "Conner-the-Bomber."
I heard you laid down the law.
Who told you?
It was on the news. ... Darlene told me.
Lonnie told me about Becky's unfortunate accident. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, we're thinking about putting her to sleep.
Hey Mom, whatcha workin' on?
Invoices. I'm ordering new children.
Yeah? Well, why don't we trade Becky in for a partially tattooed Latin boy of sixteen?
'Cause that's my Christmas present to myself.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.