Hey, we missing an offspring?
Yeah, where did ya think I got the bacon?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You act like some big high-and-mighty, self-righteous, pedestal-type person, and you poo-poo everything in my life.
Yeah, and you go right for your addictive behavior. Uh, because you cannot handle conflict. That is the whole thing: you cannot handle conflict. Remember, we saw that whole thing on Oprah: People who cannot handle conflict, so right away, they run for the alcohol.
[starts nibbling another pancake]
Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne. You know, people who live in glass houses shouldn't eat stones.
Roseanne, Goodbye.
Oh, Jackie, Grow up!
Oh, Go to Hell! (Slams the door)
This IS Hell!
[grilling Becky about why Becky was caught reading Dan's girlie magazine] You wanna be like those girls, don't you?
Shut UP!
You know you do. [mimicking fashion model movements] Why don't you show Mom and Dad your Sexy Walk?
[hitting Darlene on the arm] I hate you, Darlene. [flees the kitchen]
[grabbing her arm] OWWWW, you sexy thing!!!
Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house presentable.
Rub a lamp.
I didn't tell you to quit your job.
The hell you didn't!
The hell I DID! I told you if you wanted to quit your job, you should go ahead and quit your job. I was trying to support you.
Ha ha. You told me to quit my job and now you resent me because I did!
Bull, bull, bull.
You're all the time picking at me and making little cracks!
We always make little cracks. We always make little jokes. That's how we are! THAT'S WHY WE GET ALONG SO WELL!
(to Dan) What'd you get us for later? (Dan shows her a video and they both giggle heavily) That's perfect!
(to Becky about Darlene) You can't take her to that party. There'll be boys there.
There are boys at school and you let me go there.
I can't work this damn thing.
Where'd you get that language? This isn't a thing, it's a VCR.
I hate my boss! I hope he never graduates high school.
(to Roseanne who is struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome) It's too bad that you can't accept the fact that people have to live their own lives. Just because a bird leaves the nest doesn't mean it's gonna get creamed by the Concorde.
Becky! Darlene! C'mon, We're going to the mall with Uncle Bert!
Damn, this thing's heavy. Oh!
Shut up! Twist on it. Now turn it this way. You're hitting the fucking table!
Fuck the table. Open the door!
Wait! get off my fucking foot. You got to pull it straight back. All right, We have to make a big fucking turn here.
Honey, help me out here. Help straighten me out here.
Wait. wait. wait. O.k., take it back. Straight! O.k., now pull it outwide to the right. The right! out this way. O.k., now straighten it out. O.k. No! you're hitting the door. O.k., a little more this way. This way. This way. O.k., straight. O.k.
(Dan and Roseanne manage to get the fridge out the door)
I'm going to kill the son of a bitch if I ever see him again.
[Becky is demonstrating to Darlene how to kiss]
Then you open your mouth a little bit.
You open your mouth?! For what?!
[walking into the bedroom] So, you can slip him the tongue.
When you first met Dad, did you want to kiss him all the time?
Well, somebody had to do it. And you know me: work, work, work.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.