I was on my way home from taking Lonnie downstate to his grandma's and almost lost control of the car. It's like the end of the world out there!
Great, no more Geraldo!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[about Darlene] Can't we have her put to sleep?
Well, we tried, but the vet backed out.
Fork over the bread, Fred.
Don't hurry back, Jack.
Thanks for the cash...stupid.
(After hearing about the tornado watch), okay, eveybody duck and cover.
What's the worst that could happen? A tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.
[scolding Darlene for playing a prank during the tornado] That is not funny! You're grounded till menopause!
Yours or mine?
Your father's!
How do you like yours [marshmallows], Roseanne?
Like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.
(To DJ) Don't bother your aunt Jackie when she's in the middle of a breakdown.
(After hearing loud bumping noise outside of the front door, scaring Crystal.) It's for you, Crystal!
What was it?
Nothing.
I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!
Mom, can Darlene and I go and see what's left of the neighborhood?
Yeah, be careful where you walk though, and no looting unless it fits me.
Our stuff was lying all over the neighborhood!
What'd you bring it back for? This was my big chance to get rid of it.
Will Dad have a third cup of coffee?
Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?
Will you get the hell out of my house?
SSalesman
Good afternoon, ma'am, and how are you? I would like a moment of your time.
[closes the door] I already been saved.
[After the salesman dies on the table]
(Checks his pulse) Oh my God! He's dead!
Check it again!
I know how to count to zero!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.