TV show quotes
Rosie, 12 people just showed up at my house, do you have a turkey I could borrow?
A turkey? (pulls a turkey on a platter out from under the sink) Well I just happen to have one. Bake for one hour at 350.
Thanks Rosie, you saved my marriage, again, and my backside. Bye-bye and buy bonds!
[discussing bad songs from the 70's with Jackie]
Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.
(as an Indian on the First Thanksgiving) Welcome brothers. Share in our bountiful feast.
Looks like there is not enough seats at the table.
Then we shall make more benches.
Nah, let's make some dead Indians!
People came here for the freedom. (Looks at Anne Marie, who is black)
Excuse me?
Quick, David. You gotta help me. A couple of my mice got loose and if my mom finds out, she's gonna kill me!
If two little mice live and one little boy is killed, then justice has been served.
If you think I'm talented, just say it.
I think you're talented.
You're just saying that.
(recording a message to her unborn child via a camcorder) Your dad works really hard. He, um, always wanted to give you guys... everything. But, um, over the years, I guess, uh, his dreams kinda fell down, one right after the other. But, now he's working for the city, which is great because you cannot be fired for reason, whatsoever– ya know, just like in congress. And, uh, I do have to say, though, that no matter how hard he works, I've worked harder. I have worked, uh, whe-whether your dad was laid up, or laid off. I'm the one who brought home the bacon. I cooked it up myself. And, yeah, sure, I took a few bites off the top, but I figured, I gotta reward myself some way, um, and, I never complained, and I have never, ever asked anybody for help. Because, ya know, even if I did, it's not like anybody would lift a finger to help me, anyway.
(recording a message to her unborn child via a camcorder) Okay, I'm going to give your dad a turn to talk to you, now, but, before I go, I want to tell you one thing: you know that we had you late in our lives, but we really wanted you, and, uh, that's basically because you're our last hope for a good retirement, which is totally going to happen because, after all these years, I finally figured out how to raise a kid that will grow up to be incredibly successful, and, that is: every time you turn around, you tell them how wonderful they are, and... how beautiful they are, and... how priceless they are, and, how much they are loved– and, you are.
Oh, Darlene, you're not going to believe what I just found!
Your virginity? No, wait, you left that behind a dumpster at K-Mart
Mind if I have a look at that guy's check? [Takes check and starts dialing the phone] You really shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior. You know, when I was waiting tables in college, I could tell you stories that'd curl...[into phone] Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come N' Go Motel over in Elgin. When you and your husband were in here last time, unfortunately you left some of your private garments behind. You weren't? Well, aren't you a busty 20-year-old blond? Whoops, my mistake.
Wow, he stiffs me for a tip and you destroy his marriage! That's awesome. Hey, I got more checks, let's do more.
We were supposed to get married five years ago, but I was left at the altar.
What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?
(enter Leon)
Scott!
Hi, Honey!
Roseanne, what is all this?
It's a gay wedding!
This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!
Oh Roseanne. Leon has told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.
How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.
[to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.
What if I'm not even gay?
You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.
Think about it--I hate to shop, I'm positively insensitive, I detest Barbra Streisand, and, for God's sake, I'm a Republican!
But do you like having sex with men?
Well...
GAY!!!!!!!!!
Oh, yeah? (He plants a huge kiss on her) Okay... I'm gay, let's go.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
