Rick and Morty Season 1 quotes

It's worse than you think, Morty. We're basting in meta radiation right now. Our credibility is being permanently eroded. Every second we spend here is the equivalent of ten Space Jam cameos.

Not so fast, Sanchez. It is I, Cookie Magneto!

What the fuck? I'm... I'm not engaging this guy. [starts walking away]

That's hardly up to you, Rick.

I'm sorry, do you control things that people agree are cookies?

Yes.

Okay, but cookies aren't a substance. They're more of a name w-we give to--

To the things I control.

Do you control cookie ingredients? Because, y'know, t-that sounds dangerous. Y'know, everything has sugar in it.

Fight me and find--

JESUS, RICK!

I'm sorry, Morty, I know you're gonna say it's punching down, but I can't fight another one of these 90s-style goofball supervillains! I'm not the fucking Tick! I-I-I'm exhausted.

Okay! But i-if you really have a lot of these guys gunning for you, maybe you should look into what you're doing to...?

Oh, don't start that crap, Morty! I don't do anything for these dipshits to seek me out.

[teleports in] I am Mr. Calypso! Face me, you ugly, drunk, ugly piece of shit!

Okay, I might look into it.

Jerry

Rick, why is there a man shooting piss on our front lawn?

I'm sure he'll tell you.

I am Pissmaster! Here to flush the toilet that is Rick Sanchez!

Jerry

He's spraying my lavender bush! My bees need that lavender!

Remember five seconds ago when you guys were stoked about me changing, because it made you feel superior?

[peering through window] Ooh, whole family's here! Who's that redhead? Wouldn't mind spraying her with a golden shower!

Summer

Oh, my God, what?!

Hey!

Jerry

Okay, that's it! [stands up]

Jerry, please think about this. If you fight this guy, I'm either an asshole for not helping, or an asshole for helping.

Jerry

My daughter just got spoken of in porno terms, and I'll respond how I choose! [marches outside]

Wait! Morty, you have to promise not to tell anyone, but your dad made Pissmaster kill himself.

Oh, man, what?!

Yeah, I mean, I found him dead and I-I put on his suit, but look at this - he literally blames your dad. [gives Morty Pissmaster's note]

Holy shit... Wait, you kept the suicide note?! That's so messed up!

I know, I mean, I had to tell someone, Morty. I couldn't just sit on that--

And you expect me to?! [runs into the house]

Morty, no! What are you doing?!

Jerry

What the hell?! He KILLED HIMSELF?!

Jesus, Dad, you should've told us! Especially if Jerry murdered him!

Jerry

Wait, don't say that! I-I didn't murder!

Hey, I-I thought it was pretty cool that I withheld that information.

But you didn't withhold it! You're walking around with the note!

Summer

Yeah, Grandpa, you gotta, like, keep it in your heart as a great sacrifice. That's the cool move.

Jerry

I mean, how am I the bad guy? He sprayed piss on us! Y-You all cheered me on!

Don't drag us into this.

Summer

A man is dead, Dad.

Again, wasn't gonna say it, but I told you this would happen.

Oh, get off your high horse.

Dr. Wong would be so proud!

Summer

BOO!

Go ahead and boo! I was breathing piss, you think I care?

Jerry

Is this what it's like to trend? [sobbing] This is a nightmare! I should've just let him pee on my daughter...!

Summer

Eww! What the hell, Dad?!

I can't believe you tricked us into loving you.

Not because I like it - it's because it's my job. But thank God I don't have to do it anymore.

The fuck you don't! It's Christmas!

You got something to tell me, Morty?

[awkwardly] Merry... Christmas?

Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fսcking vertical?!

Oh, sh...

Guess what, numbnuts? It's a mile deep and still going! You know what's in the hilt of that thing?

Kyber crystals!

Okay, nerd. Whatever it is, when it hits the core, it's gonna cause a chain reaction that destroys the Earth!

I-It is?!

Why are you still playing with laser swords anyway? You're fourteen! You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right? Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades, then when he delivered, fans turned on him, and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot, and churned out these irredeemable cash-grabs! Half pretend to be satisfied, half shit on it - and in the end, no one's happy! Do you know why, Morty? Because when you start with a turd, you end with a turd.

Why you crying?! Where's Rick?

He's busy. A-And I hate him! And I lost my lightsaber, and now it might destroy Earth, and you're unloading all this Gen X hatred on me for even wanting one, and i-it's the worst Christmas ever!

[trying to comfort him] Okay, M-Morty, Morty, Morty, Morty. I shouldn't have talked to you like you're a UN official. Let's get your embarrassing-ass lightsaber back so you can swing it around instead of kissing girls.

[to a dishevelled Rick] What kind of grandfather are you?! It's Christmas, for God's sake, and you look like Phil Spector wiped his ass with Randy Quaid!

Alright. Your derivative drill ship is now faster than a lightsaber. Morty, you want front or back?

Who says the two of us are going? Y-Y-You didn't even want to...

Oh, for fuck's sake. Bye! Good luck. Don't blow up my planet.

You act like you're the one that got stabbed in the back!

Because I am the one, Morty! You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid "Knights of the Sun" thing? I said "Don't take the fucking sword," and you were like "whatever" like I'm our neighbor Gene or David Arquette or something. You called me boring. I've become dog shit to you. That's what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you. They touch your shit, they screw things up, they kill your fuckin' family. Go ahead. Trust him (The President). You're gonna learn the same fuckin' thing.

I... am not going to kill your family, Morty.

That means a lot.

May the Force be with... me!

I think you mean with me. [takes it from him and chuckles]

[held back by an orderly] What?! You hate Star Wars!

I was your age when this shit was in theatres. This franchise raised me, trained me, taught me good from evil, made having a bad father empowering! And when that third movie got all... "Muppety", something in me began to rot! But make no mistake, child - I own Star Wars, not you! Not that bubble-throat pompadour fuck, not some Mickey Mouse shit machine - they didn't pay the price with their souls! I did! I earned this, not you! America, transform and roll out! [leads everyone on a march out of Rick's lair]

BASTAAAARD!!!

I always wanted to fight with a lightsaber, but not like this! Y-You ruined it!

Disney ruined it! You think I want thirty low-rent TV series with bad CGI?! They film everything on that one big green screen!

Like you've got better ideas!

I've got a million! Here's one: a robot with lightsabers for eyes! [the robot blindly stumbles around, slicing itself and other robots apart] Goddammit, he can't see!

Wow, are those all the places Rick Prime could be?

I wish, Morty. It's all the places he is.

Aw, Geez!

Welcome to my darkness. I've spent my life hunting this guy, Morty! This is the closest I've ever been to catching Rick Prime. It's impossible! He-He's an incredibly crafty piece of shit. Hunting him destroyed me, Morty! But now we're gonna do it together! You and me!

Oh! Uh...

It's gonna take over your life, Morty! Rick and Morty, Season 7, hunting my nemesis! Maybe trying to stay healthy while doing it! Juggling plates! Not every episode, Morty! It could be all happening in the background! Who knows?! You know, n-no one will, except us! I-It's the most painful shit I've ever had to deal with and I'm fucking bringing you into it, because you asked for it, Morty! You and me, Morty!

Kept in touch with the guys over the years -- as much as you can in this fast world. Bird Person went home to take on a challenge way more difficult than a Predator: raising Bird Daughter. Gearhead went back to the Gear System and got a spinal replacement. He's still paying it off. Squanchy checked himself into a nice rehab. No one thought it would stick, and it didn't. He was later arrested for smuggling toad venom across the border. Hugh Jackman went back to the Jack Shack to glue back together the Tony Award that Jean shot, and possibly to put a bullet in all future Wolverine references, thanks to us. And what came of Rick? I think he learned something that night. About friendship, about honesty, and maybe he learned something about himself...

Yep, don't any of you worry about Mr. Poopy Butthole! I got a lot of work to do, but I'll land on my poopy little feet. I always do... Oh! This burns like hell! How did the other guys not react?! Is mine different?! It's like my skin is boiling!

Jerry, thank you for bringing me into the "rake situation". I've done all I can. I'm out.

Jerry

No surprise there. All that brain and you just waste it...

Ho-ho-hold up! [He pushes himself out from under the ship.] I waste my brain?!

Jerry

Yeah, Rick! Obviously, you were born smarter than me, but if I had your brain...?

"If you had my--" I am so sick of this "born smart" shit!

Jerry

Are you gonna kill me...?

I was born crying and pissing myself just like you! Then I became the smartest man in the universe, and do I get credit? No, I get to check my brain privilege!

Jerry

So we're swapping bodies?

No, that would be Freaky Friday, which is the ceiling of your grasp of consciousness. The brain is part of the body, Jerry; it's hardware. I'm gonna put my mind in your brain and your mind in my brain. Then we'll see the real definition of "waste", Jerry. Or, you know, admit genius isn't random and your failures are your own.

Jerry

[chuckles] Not doing that.

Thought as much.

Jerry

Rick, the guy's already kissing your ass.

It's the ass-kissers you have to keep in line. When they sense weakness, they move on you.

Jerry

What, are we Walter White?! Who cares if a mid-tier crime dork "moves on us"? Thank you for the crystals. Morty, get in the car.

Actually, Morty, why don't you leave those crystals here? Since it's such an insulting amount...

There it is! Now he's thinking "Oh, maybe I can kill God!"

Jerry

Yeah, because God doesn't haggle for ten thousand fucking croutons!

Oh, my god! Am I really about to die because you botched up Freaky Friday?!

Yes.