Rick and Morty quotes

Dad, can we please go back and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?

Jerry

Why? Because they might have a Sega Dreamcast? Why is it so hard for you two to let nature in?

Summer

Because this sucks ass! Camping is just being homeless without the change.

Jerry

Well, that attitude is exactly why we're out here. You guys wouldn't last two seconds on your own. You're only happy when you're penned in and drսgged up like some kind of chicken or lemur... [sees Summer and Morty using their phone and gaming device] Hey! I told you kids, no phones!

There's not even any service. Just... just let us be happy for a minute.

Jerry

You know, maybe if you two stopped whining and let your old man take the reins, you might actually learn something. [roasts a marshmallow and uses it to make a s'more] Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.

Summer

Oh, you think this s'more makes you special? What, because someone said "good job" to you once when you were ten? [throws it in the fire] That's actually really sad, Dad. Let's be real - you've been high-roading us non-stop, forcing us to do nothing in the middle of fucking nowhere, because it's the only way you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it? Because if you move the bar so low, you might actually seem like you're worth a fuck!

Jerry

[sniffles, looking deeply hurt] I'm gonna go take a walk... [sadly takes his backpack and leaves]

[to Summer] Jesus Christ. You really need to stop hanging out with Rick.

We got an oversupply of teachers putting a strain on the literary drive.

Activating playwright converter!

Nice work, honey. Okay, the therapists are getting bored, we need to increase their supply of incest porn.

20% wasn't enough?

Just admit this is about you wanting to feel needed!

Jerry

Says the woman who sold out her family for an ounce of approval from her drunk father!

Well, maybe he drinks because it isn't easy to be more powerful than God!

Jerry

Well, if it's god-power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush!

RICK!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?

I mean, gravity did most of it, so you, technically...

I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!!!

Yeah, well, you also asked me to raise your kids. Uh, not sure if you heard the phrase, "pick a lane," but--

YOU KILLED THEIR FATHER!!!

Father or not, he was a lying piece of shit. I don't care who else stuffed your crust, but I'm the guy that showed up. But I mean, if you want, I can still power-wash his guts off the tower and maybe--

GET OOOOUUUUUT!!!!!

Okay, yeah, she's pissed.

Summer

I mean, you killed her slam piece, Grandpa. I don't blame her.

Jerry

Well, kids, never thought I'd say this, but, Summer, you were right.

Summer

Wait, what?

Jerry

I thought I wanted to teach you guys about tents, but really, I just wanted to feel important. I guess sometimes teenagers do know what they're talking about, even if it's mean.

Right, but didn't you, like, go into god-mode and fight Mom?

Jerry

Love is the only power that matters, Morty.

No, you had actual power, and you did jack shit. That was a divine staff. You could've cured cancer or raised the dead. Instead you made bugs.

Well, I was impressed, Dad. He saved my life, no thanks to you.

Your kids got high on alien mist and drove the ship into that Zeus guy's head. Basically murdered him.

Summer

Grandpa, what the hell?!

Rick, come on!

What? You did. I mean, not to cast the first stone, but Beth and Jerry? Pretty terrible parenting on your part. Did you know Summer huffed a K-Zax Array? She basically smoked The Ring - most pilots die after three days. And Morty, the fucking moron, he thought the ship worked like a game controller! What in the Disney Channel fuck is that?! Maybe help him with homework next time! He's clearly crying for help!

Dream Team rides again!

Summer

Oh yeah, we're like Luke and Leia! ...Uh, except no kissing part. What's another famous brother–sister team?

Uh, Hansel and Gretel?

Summer

Yeah right, those two were fucking.

Are they gonna torture us?

Unless you plan on telling them what I know. Last chance to guess who was the clone.

You're his daughter. Something about the eyes -- the shameless abandonment of your family.

How ever can I live with myself? One theory: I was designed by your father to live with myself, which would mean you made a conscious choice to swallow your dreams with cheap wine and dinosaur pasta.

You know that's the kind Jerry likes! Same way I know the only goddamn dream you'll ever follow is your shitty father's approval.

You fetch your shitty father's lemonade.

You cosplay as your shitty father in his thirties!

Red Alert. Red Alert. Rick Sanchez--

More like dead alert! What else? What else? I wrote some stuff down on my Notes app, let me just find it... Screw it. Beth, if-- if one of you is still alive, you're my real daughter. If you're both alive, don't hurt the other one. She's just a clone; she's not worth it. I'm coming, baby!

That piece of shit.

I came back to kill him, you know.

I'd like to help.

It's funny - I always wondered who would win if we ever fought.

Then you were always a bad friend.

You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is?

Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win.

Summer

Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control.

Holy shit, I'm a terrible father.

So time moves faster in there? It's like a Narnia thing?

I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty... but yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing.

Getting cold feet?

Jerry

No...Please don't tell Rick.

He wouldn't understand.

Yes. He. Would. [shakes off his robe]

Jerry

But why does he always want to be hunted?

Jerry.

That's not important right now, dad!

Jerry

Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit.

Summer

So thankful this is my Saturday.

"Terminate"? They're alive, dad!

And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat?

No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab!

Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than Blade Runner.

Summer

I still think we're decoys.

You just want an excuse to stop trying!

Summer

Yeah, and?

House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a Star Fox boss season four callback? Make it flashy?

You got it, babe.

[to himself] Let's go, you little bitch. [slaps himself] It's showtime. Get centered.

What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the Rickest Rick would do! I might actually be fake! I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it–