Rescue Me · Season 1
Broads.
Crazy broads.
[sees Laura] Speaking of which. [to Laura] Banker's hours, sweetheart?
Sorry, darling.
Excuse me?
From now on, you call me names, you're getting them right back.
Don't push it, dollface.
Okay. Love-lum. [walks into the house]
Love-lum?
I've used it.
[Lou catches Tommy sitting outside the house in his truck]
I got this new girlfriend, and uh, she's really into antiques. Uh, and I remember that antiques shop up here and I went over to look at---
[interrupting] Who the hell do you think you're talking to asshole? I've helped you concoct some of the most bullshit cover stories---
[talking over Lou] This is not a concoction, okay?
---Under the worst possible pressure situations okay?
I have a new girlfriend, okay?
[mocking] Antiques, and my new girlfriend. Why don't you kiss my goddamn giant Irish pisshole? I've seen you out here in your truck 10, 20, times in the last three months. I figure you must to desperate to know what's going on so I figured I come out here and fill you in.
[About a woman who's reportedly trapped on the third floor, after the newspaper called the FDNY racist] Is she black?
I guess so. Given the neighborhood I guess. Why?
Well, we're racists. Just think how much easier it would be if we only had to save the white people.
[laughs] Or even, you know, models.
There you go.
[in baby talk] The diddle baby wants his big Daddy to bring some more soupy. Do you think that big Daddy can bring some more soupy-woupy?
That had better be the baby talking because if it's you, big Daddy's gonna come home and punch you right in the neck.
[about his date] She said if I can find her friend a date we can move on to the next stage.
What's the next stage?
The blow job stage.
I like that stage.
Yeah, it's the best stage.
[Franco puts the "moves" on Laura]
Can I tell you how this is gonna go?
Yeah, please. I love a woman who takes control.
You're really cute, and really funny, and make great faces, until I sleep with you which I eventually will because you're a tall stud and I'm as unlaid as a pile of bricks.
Sounds good so far.
But then I'll want more out of the relationship eventually, you know, me being the woman and all and I'm so goddamn good in the sack you will actually try and commit for the first time in your life. You'll change for me Franco. But then you'll resent me and I'll resent you for resenting me. Pretty soon we won't even stand being in the same room together let alone forcing our body parts to intersect. But we have to be in the same room because we work together. So unless one of us dies in a fire or moves away or kills the other. We'll be forced to remember the bloody horrific train wreck of a relationship that we had that started with your hand on my coat. But it's your move, stud.
[pause] I'll see you tomorrow.
Smart man.
[to Chief Reilly, who has had his face scratched in his sleep by his wife who has Alzheimer's] Next time you try banging the cat, put little booties over its paws so it can't scratch. That's what I do.
It's not like you need me around here anyways. The biggest call we got in the last three weeks was that old lady reporting a gas leak. Ended up she was the leakee.
...
I'm gonna go upstairs, and leave you three guys alone so you can blow each other.
You call me "honey" one more time and I'm going to kick your nuts through the top of your head.
[After sex] Alright, so what does this mean?
This meaning... [makes a motion to them with her fingers] This?
Yeah. What does this mean?
[laughs] Oh, come on. You did not just ask me that. I'm just the girl here.
Hey, well I wanna get things clear. We work together, things could get messy.
Okay, let me do the math for you. [points to herself] Drunk and horny. [points to Franco] Perpetually horny.
Yeah.
Equals out [looks at her watch] 34 minutes of extremely hot, but meaningless sex. So do you want to discuss this more? [pulls one foot above her head] Or do you want to go for the full hour?
Talking is way overrated, I'm sorry. [kisses her]
Hey, it's not about the money, Tommy.
Well, then what's it about? Go ahead Dad and enlighten me.
It's about the sex.
Oh, Christ.
Now, let me tell you something my cock still functions and this broad thinks I'm funny and I get to bang her for free.
[after rescuing Sully, who's dressed in female fetish clothing] All the angels and saints.
Holy shit.
Is that Sully? [Sean checks, sees that it is, and jumps up and away from him instantly]
Blessed screaming Jesus on a whole wheat goddamn cracker.
Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.
Wait, guys let me explain.
Go ahead, man. We're all ears.
[laughs] Oh, who am I kiddin', right? I like to dress up like a chick, okay? I like to wear panties and high heels and... rough sex.
This is the big emergency that you had me come over and help you with?
Yeah. An emotional emergency.
Do me a favor: Next time call the hormone hot line.
[Paulie beeps the horn from in the truck]
Hey, retard! I got neighbors.
Sorry!
[to Sheila] He really is retarded.
Really?
Yeah.
[to Paulie] Sorry!
What?
Shut up! [to Sheila] You know, I have to go to work, I have to drop him off blah blah blah.
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I an inconvenience to you? Oh, yeah. I must be a big fat inconvenience to you. [Tommy starts walking towards his truck] Right? Unless of course you've got no place to go or you're lonely or you're looking for some place to park your cock.
Talk to you later.
Oh that's perfect. There's a picture I can't get enough of. You walking away. Hey, you have no responsibility here, too bad you're not married, you don't have to handle it right? You big pussy! [starts crying and Tommy starts his truck]
You got a girlfriend, Paulie? [Paulie shakes his head] I think I'm the retarded one.
I used to hear voices the first two months I was sober. Sometimes I thought, you know, it was like God; sometimes it was Satan.
Two months?
Yep. God was tellin' me I was a worthless piece of shit, Satan's tellin' me I'm God's gift.
What did God sound like?
Tom Hanks.
Figures.
Satan was a doubleheader: one minute, he's like Jack Nicholson; the next, you know, like Hillary.
[to Laura] The point is this we all use every ethnic and personal slogan in the book against each other. You name it we say it.
It's true. Cock-breath.
Shithead.
Asswipe.
Numb nuts.
Ball brains.
Shit for brains.
Dipshit.
Pussy.
Prick.
Dick.
Scumbag.
Dick face.
Ape ass.
Ape face.
Pencil dick, tight ass, needle dick.
Yeah. And that's not even getting into any of the gay stuff.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rescue Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
