Ted quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Ted

[after finding out his HIV test was all clear] I'm negative.... I'm negative!

That's okay, happy people can be really annoying.

Ted

Nice job on the gift. Couldn't have been more perfect.

Brian

Thanks.

Ted

Yeah... David's present didn't stand a chance. Then again, neither did he.

Brian

Fuck off.

Ted

Just can't help yourself, can you? You make have to make sure Michael regresses permenantly to the age of 12. He's 30, for Christ sake, Brian. Don't you think it's time you let him go?

Brian

Tell you what. I will if you will.

Ted

So, listen. I know there's this part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved —

What are you talking about?

Ted

Let me finish. So we fall in love with someone we know we can't have and who's never gonna loves us, and we fantasize about the day when all of a sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing. You know, and all our dreams come true... only, that day never comes, and before you know it, it's your fortieth birthday, it's your fiftieth birthday and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you, Michael. Love someone for real, someone who loves you.

Ted

Well, Brian. You really know how to throw a birthday bash.

Emmett

Too bad all good things must come to an end.

Melanie

Well well well... is anyone surprised? The way he treats people. Am I right? Is there anyone here tonight that hasn't been fucked by Brian Kinney, one way or another?

Vic

Well, what do you know, now Michael has been too.

Debbie

So you finally gave him what he wanted. Good for you.

Lindsay

How could you do that to him, Brian? Your best friend in the whole world.

Justin

No. You're gonna need someone to help you clean up this mess.

Brian

So, how was work?

Michael

Fat Marley had this really incredibly hickey and there was a sale on protein powder so every queen in the city was there. Except for you, of course.

Ted

Boring. Work was boring. How 'bout you?

Michael

Don't tell me, you took a client to a really fancy restaurant for lunch and there was this really hot waiter and he signaled for you to meet him in the linen closet and he gave you this amazing blowjob and then you went back to the table and the client never knew?

Brian

How'd you guess?

Ted

I asked you about work.

Brian

Uh, I took a client to lunch and the waiter blew me in the linen closet.

Ted

Really?

Michael

Liar! You're such a liar!

You... you've got your doubts, don't you? Well, let me ask you a few questions. Do you and your friends obsess about your bodies and the bodies of other men?

Ted

Check out his pecks.

Michael

They're like, perfect.

Brian

They're like, implants.

Do your conversations center around trivialities such as movies stars?

Michael

Did you hear that Cher had her pussy tightened?

Ted

Where'd you read that, the Inquirer or Popular Mechanics?

Are your days and nights spent at the gym and in bars, going home with men whose names you don't even know?

Ted

So he's coming and he's going, "Fred, Fred!"

Michael

Fred! Who's Fred?

So, maybe you should ask yourself... is this the life I want for me? Is this the life God wants for me? Is there a better life?

Emmett

I've decided that I need to explore the part of me that isn't gay.

Ted

And what part pray tell would that be?

Emmett

So, I'm uh, I joined this group, "See the Light." And they're going to help me find my way back to my true self.

Ted

Shit!

Michael

Who you are is your true self!

Melanie

Nothing personal, but I just wish she was here.

Ted

I understand. Most of my dates wish they were with someone else.

Melanie

Oh, don't say that. You're a real catch.

Ted

I know. Just my luck, lesbians find me irresistible.

Emmett

Ted! M-Melanie, hi... this is Heather, my date.

Melanie

I'm sorry, I thought you said...

Ted

He did.

We're going for pizza. Wanna double?

Melanie

"Double"?

Emmett

They're not really a couple, Heather.

Ted

I'm a homo.

Melanie

And I'm a lesbo.

Oh! I thought from the hug that maybe you were normal.

Melanie

We are. What the hell's gotten into you?!

Ted

He's "seen the light."

Melanie

Where they shining it? Up your ass?

"See the Light" is helping us build a happy heterosexual life.

Melanie

While you're at it, why don't you ask the wizard for a brain?

Emmett

I'm so glad that we amuse you.

Melanie

Who's amused? I'm outraged!

Emmett

Just ignore her, Heather. She doesn't understand.

Melanie

Understand you assholes are setting back the gay rights movement about 50 years.

Ted

We just... we wanted to let you know that we still love you. Maybe not as much as Jesus, but almost. And that we're gonna miss you.

I'll especially miss the way you dance with your hands over your head. That's the way I'll always remember you.

Emmett

Thanks, but I don't think God appreciates it as much as you do.

Ted

I think God appreciates it even more. Because he created you in his image. At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all His, Emmett. He loves us all.

Ted

I always remember how he used to say "It's just not sex--"

Emmett

"--without something up your butt."

We've seen the light!

We know!

Emmett

A different light.

Melanie

What about your success story?

Emmett

Oh, we were a success story.

We shared it with the group.

Emmett

Mmmmhmmm. I told them "some of us are meant to eat pussy and some of us are meant to suck cock." But either way - God loves us.

They agreed that God loves us.

Emmett

And then they told us to get the fuck out.

Ted

You're really back?

Emmett

Honey, my flame has been rekindled and has been burning brighter than ever.

There are many pleasures to be found here. Places that you're afraid to even think of going. I can take you there. But first you must surrender to me, completely. Do you surrender?

Ted

Yes I-I surrender.

Sir. You will call me Sir.

Ted

Sir.

And you are Slave.

Ted

It's kind of cold in here.

I didn't say you could speak.

Ted

I'm sorry.

Sir!

Ted

Sir.

Emmett

Isn't dyke night fun?

Ted

I can't remember when I had such a good time.

Ted

Me too. I feel so violated.

Emmett

Ew, what are they doing?

Ted

The muncher mash?

Emmett

Hey, she's cute.

Melanie

She reminds me of Lindsay with red hair.

Ted

What about her?

Melanie

She reminds me of Lindsay with black hair.

Ted

[a man walks in] Don't tell me. He reminds you of Lindsay in drag.