Ted quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Melanie

Do you think I've never seen a dick before?

Ted

Not mine!

Emmett

It's okay, it's okay everyone, she's a lesbian!

Oh, she's a dyke!

Ted

Jesus, he's still cute.

Emmett

You say that about all the boys who put you in a coma.

Ted

Where have you been staying?

Blake

With some friends.

Ted

That's good, they can look after you.

Blake

Not those kind of friends.

Ted

It's no different for straight guys. I read somewhere that something like 64% of them admit they've been unfaithful.

Emmett

I wouldn't know. I've only slept with 32% of them.

Brian

I need coffee.

Ted

Someone was up fucking 'til the wee hours.

Justin

Was he cuter than me?

Emmett

She wants you to fuck her?!

Ted

Gay men and straight girls sleeping together, isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

Emmett

I can't imagine growing up in that house. How did he ever survive?

Ted

Who's to say he did?

Brian

When you were a boy did you save the bird with the broken wings?

Ted

What did you do, tear them off?

Justin

What a night!

Brian

So how was he?

Justin

He had the greatest ass. I brought him back, I fucked him all night. My dick's gonna be sore for a week.

Brian

That's enough.

Michael

Actually I'd like to hear more.

Ted

Speak slowly and enunciate.

Justin

Ah, he gave great head. He wanted me to fuck him with my crown on. Kinda kinky. But after a while, he got really clingy. He wanted to know if he could see me again.

Brian

So, what'd you tell him?

Justin

I told him that he could see me in his dream.

Emmett

So, who's up for the Absolute Abs Contest?

Brian

What is this?

Ted

Your official membership to the Dead Faggots's Society.

Brian

Who are you, the fucking founding father?

Blake

I love your friends. They are like family.

Ted

Not like. They are.

Blake

I was afraid of disappointing you or failing again.

Ted

Well, you have. And I can't live with an addict. And I can't make love to an addict. And it sickens me to think about what you are doing to a person I happen to care a whole lot about and who obviously cares so little about himself. So I have no choice. Except to say goodbye.

Ted

Him.

Emmett

Who?

Ted

Over there. The red and blue shirt, black hair, big button eyes, cute little turned up nose.

Emmett

Oh, he's adorable!

Ted

He's hot.

Emmett

He's uh...

Michael?!

Melanie

Too bad you're not straight... [second woman checks out Ted] you could really score big time.

Emmett

It's hard to believe but in this parallel universe you're actually hot.

Ted

Woohoo, lucky me.

Melanie

I was just saying, I bet you're really looking forward to that Honeymoon. Where were you off to this time?

Borneo.

Ted

Don't they have a lot of pigs there?