Melanie quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Melanie

I don't care what men think about their dicks!

Melanie

If you ever forget you're a Jew, a non-Jew will remind you.

Melanie

Your lives?

Melanie

Who wants some Death day cake? Death day cake? Death day cake?

Melanie

[At Lindsay's sister's wedding] What did she think we were going to do? Perform cunnilingus on top of the wedding cake?

Melanie

The truth has as much to do with law as gay men have to do with lesbians.

Melanie

There's no fucking way Brian Kinney's fucking sperm are doing the breast stroke up my Fallopian tube!

Melanie

You don't have to tell me, I know. You don't live with someone for nine years and not know.

Melanie

Careful, don't drop him!

Brian

That's just what I was planning on doing.

Lindsay

We've been thinking of names. Mel wants to call him Abraham after her grandfather, but I like Gus.

Brian

What do you think?

Justin

You wouldn't survive a day in school named Abraham, but I guess Gus is okay.

Melanie

Thank you very much, and who the hell are you?

Brian

His name's... Juh...

Michael

Justin.

Brian

You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.

Ugh...

Lindsay

Oh Brian!

Brian

He can't help it. He's only 17.

Melanie

So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.

Brian

Mine doesn't suck on my breasts... unless I want him to.

Melanie

It's simply in case something happens to you.

Brian

Like I'm decapitated at a railroad crossing? Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion? You know, I can just imagine the grizzly deaths you've conjured up for me.

Melanie

Like, in case you get sick.

Brian

Ah, even better.

Melanie

Considering your life, I mean, when's the last time you were tested?

Brian

Six months ago. I was negative.

Melanie

That's 26 weeks and 182 one-night stands.

Brian

Fuck bath-time and fuck you!

Melanie

Fuck you!

Lindsay

Just stop it, both of you!

Brian

So let's cut to the chase. Find somebody else. His mommy, or Michael, or Madonna. I don't care who.

Lindsay

But he chose you.

Brian

Well, he chose wrong.

Melanie

Yeah, that's what I said to him. I said Brian is not the person you want responsible for you life. He's a selfish narcassistic little fucking faggot. And let me tell you something, it's not because you suck cock, it's because you're a little fucking coward! So go! Get out! Now!

David

What is it with Brian Kinney? I mean, sure he's good-looking but a lot of guys are good-looking and he's got his fucking charm but we all have that when we want it. But what is it with him?

Melanie

I don't know, what Lindsay says is that he'll do anything, say anything, fuck anything. No excuses, no apologies, no regrets.

Ted

Some day I'm gonna make some lucky man the perfect wife.

Melanie

I used to say the same thing.

Ted

But instead you made someone the perfect husband.

Ted

Well, Brian. You really know how to throw a birthday bash.

Emmett

Too bad all good things must come to an end.

Melanie

Well well well... is anyone surprised? The way he treats people. Am I right? Is there anyone here tonight that hasn't been fucked by Brian Kinney, one way or another?

Vic

Well, what do you know, now Michael has been too.

Debbie

So you finally gave him what he wanted. Good for you.

Lindsay

How could you do that to him, Brian? Your best friend in the whole world.

Justin

No. You're gonna need someone to help you clean up this mess.