Ted quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Ted

I'd love to hear what you have to say about pussy.

Brian

That it's a good thing you got one because you wouldn't know what to do with a dick.

Emmett

What do you think?

Ted

You look unbelievably trashy.

Emmett

You talked me into it. I'll buy it!

Ted

Everything we do, even the clothes we wear is a conscious, or worse yet, unconscious attempt to get laid.

Emmett

Yes, it's true. There is an over-emphasis on sex. But why not buy two sizes too small and go with it?

Ted

Roger and I have decided to get to know each other before we have sex.

Brian

What do you think you are, lesbians?

Michael

He's not a steady. We went out twice.

Ted

Around here, that's a long term relationship.

Michael

I just don't know what you do for a whole weekend.

Emmett

Well, let's see, first you arrive.

Ted

Then you fuck.

Emmett

Then you unpack.

Ted

Then you fuck.

Emmett

And then you go berry-picking.

Ted

Then you fuck.

Michael

I mean after you fuck!

Emmett

You talk. You get to know each other.

Brian

Fuck you. I haven't thought about Michael once tonight.

Ted

What do you know! Just like when he's here!

Emmett

Time for your temperature! Roll over!

Brian

You're not sticking that thing up my ass!

Ted

Jeez, that accident must have really jarred your brain.

Justin

Did I tell you my dad wants to send me to military school? I said, "Fuck no."

Brian

I think your dad might be right. A Little military school or something might do you good.

Emmett

I always wanted to go to military school. Those sleek uniforms, so well cut.

Ted

Taking orders, getting punished when you're naughty. [Bends over and all slaps Emmett's butt.]

Emmett

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

And don't forget showering with all those cadets.

Emmett

Oh...

Emmett

Oh my, whoever thought we'd see the day. Brian Kinney driving an Economy compact.

Ted

Subcompact.

Brian

I have to get another car this weekend.

Another fuck mobile?

Emmett

Please, at his age he needs all the help he can get to attract those hot, young things.

Ted

I thought after what happened you might consider something more practical.

Brian

Something an accountant might drive?

You don't want any more weirdo's ramming into you.

Emmett

Never heard him complaining about that before.

Brian

He eats with straight people?

Ted

Ice. You never know where their hands have been.

Ted

What are you doing with your arm?

Emmett

I call it the Praise Jesus.

Ted

Looks like you're hailing a cab.

Ted

Some day I'm gonna make some lucky man the perfect wife.

Melanie

I used to say the same thing.

Ted

But instead you made someone the perfect husband.

Ted

It just so happens a person can have an active sex life at any age.

Brian

That means there's still hope for you!

Ted

I'm 33, what does that make me?

Brian

Did you guys hear something? A voice from the dead?