Michael quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Tracy

Do you laugh at me? You and your friends? The boys? Do you laugh at me?

Michael

No... no.

Tracy

I must be a big joke to you, huh? The girl at work? The one who has the crush? She's so funny 'cause she's so stupid!

Michael

It's not like that, I swear!

Tracy

You're a liar, Mike. A liar.

Michael

Captain Astro uses his magical fisting power!

Emmett

Quit it! It's too early for fisting!

Michael

No, it is never too early for fisting!

Brian

So, how was work?

Michael

Fat Marley had this really incredibly hickey and there was a sale on protein powder so every queen in the city was there. Except for you, of course.

Ted

Boring. Work was boring. How 'bout you?

Michael

Don't tell me, you took a client to a really fancy restaurant for lunch and there was this really hot waiter and he signaled for you to meet him in the linen closet and he gave you this amazing blowjob and then you went back to the table and the client never knew?

Brian

How'd you guess?

Ted

I asked you about work.

Brian

Uh, I took a client to lunch and the waiter blew me in the linen closet.

Ted

Really?

Michael

Liar! You're such a liar!

You... you've got your doubts, don't you? Well, let me ask you a few questions. Do you and your friends obsess about your bodies and the bodies of other men?

Ted

Check out his pecks.

Michael

They're like, perfect.

Brian

They're like, implants.

Do your conversations center around trivialities such as movies stars?

Michael

Did you hear that Cher had her pussy tightened?

Ted

Where'd you read that, the Inquirer or Popular Mechanics?

Are your days and nights spent at the gym and in bars, going home with men whose names you don't even know?

Ted

So he's coming and he's going, "Fred, Fred!"

Michael

Fred! Who's Fred?

So, maybe you should ask yourself... is this the life I want for me? Is this the life God wants for me? Is there a better life?

Brian

Don't tell me no one's ever had a Big O at the Big Q?

Michael

I wouldn't know.

Brian

Well, I would. First-hand. And I mean first-hand experience.

Michael

Are you saying...

Brian

Remember last Christmas when I came to pick you up and you were setting up for Santa's Workshop?

Michael

Not Santa. Don't tell me you fucked Santa!

Brian

Even I wouldn't do that. I'm not into fat. His elf!

Michael

You didn't.

Brian

What he lacked for in feet he made up for in inches.

Emmett

I've decided that I need to explore the part of me that isn't gay.

Ted

And what part pray tell would that be?

Emmett

So, I'm uh, I joined this group, "See the Light." And they're going to help me find my way back to my true self.

Ted

Shit!

Michael

Who you are is your true self!

Brian

Do you know what we'd turn into if we ate all that?

Michael

A couple of fat flabby fags who nobody would want to fuck ever?

Brian

There was always lots of food at your house.

Michael

That's an Italian thing. And there was always plenty of booze at your house.

Brian

Yeah, well, that's an Irish thing.

David

He's gonna love you too.

Michael

How do you know that?

David

Who wouldn't?

Michael

His 12-year-old juggling jazz-playing webmaster, what if he hates me?

Justin

Who?

Michael

David's son.

Brian

Fuck him, he's just a kid.

Michael

He's not just a kid! He's David's son! And you know what that means.

Michael

Well, why don't you get your fairy tale back to work. Isn't there a toilet you need to spit shine?

Brian

Don't be so pathetic, Mikey. He's not gonna hate you.

Michael

What makes you so sure?

Brian

I'm crazy about you.

Debbie

Do you even know what a Huggie is?

Michael

Here's a hint, it's not a sexual position.

Michael

It's nice to finally meet you, Hank.

[Looks Michael up and down] Wow. You're young.

Emmett

Stop being so goddamn selfish!

Michael

Selfish?

Emmett

I think it's selfish to deny your lover pleasure.

Debbie

Would you two cut it out?

Michael

Ma, you're interrupting.

Debbie

Well, I hate it when couples make out in front of you!

Brian

It's French. We're frenching.

Michael

Try the Brie.

Debbie

Tastes like cum. Where's the cheddar?