Michael quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Brian

Fucked him.

Michael

You did not. You looked at him.

Brian

That may appear to be what happened, but we did it all.

Michael

Oh yeah and how was he?

Brian

Fabulous.

Brian

He's going with me.

Michael

Oh, no he's not.

Michael

None of the above. He's going home.

Justin

I'm going with him.

Brian

Good boy. You get an A+.

Michael

He calls me, practically begs me to go with him, knowing full well I'm with someone, for the first time in I don't know how long...

Emmett

7 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days.

Michael

Thank you. And even though the guy wasn't all he was cracked up to be...

Emmett

We'll let that remark pass.

Michael

At least he wanted me. Me! [Sits down on the couch] God, I'm so horny!

Emmett

Poor baby. Well I have just the thing. A new porn video. [Runs to get the video] It all takes place in a prisoner of war camp. Hot, horny men starved for action.

Michael

I can relate to that.

Emmett

Guaranteed to make your private stand up and salute.

Michael

Schindler's Fist?

Emmett

Ah... Here. [hands Michael the remote] I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you'll going to have a deep, meaningful relationship. Good night!

Michael

Christ! Didn't you get enough last night?

Brian

There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast.

Brian

[surprised by the graffiti on his jeep] Oh that's beautiful Mikey. Just beautiful.

Michael

It's not my fault! I've told you about those two psychopaths down the street.

Brian

What? A couple of 12-year-olds?

Michael

They start early these days!

Brian

Here we are sonny boy.

Michael

Be sure to come home right after school.

Brian

No lingering on the playground or in the locker room with the gym teacher.

Michael

Oh you did not tell him about that!

Brian

It's the most famous shower scene since Psycho.

[passes, screams at Justin] Hey Justin, wanna suck me off?

Brian

No! [Gets down from his jeep] But I'll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won't sit down for a week!

Justin

When can I see you again?

Brian

You can see me right now.

Justin

I mean later, tonight.

Brian

Who knows where I'll be later tonight.

Michael

We better go.

Justin

Please?

Brian

I'll see you in your dreams.

Emmett

So, uh, who's he look like?

Michael

Well he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and Lindsay's nose.

Ted

If he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.

Michael

You should see the pictures I took, he's so adorable. In one of them he's actually playing with himself.

Ted

Who, Brian?

Michael

No, the baby! Imagine he's only been in the world about an hour and already he's pulling his pud.

Michael

We need a secret code word like "Shazam" so that if I get in a tight spot, you can come in and rescue me.

Brian

A tight spot. How about "butt-plug?"

Michael

"Butt-plug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.

Brian

Because that's what you are pretending you're one of them.

Michael

I couldn't help it!

Brian

You could have told her the truth instead of acting like a scared little faggot. You should have just said, "I take it up the ass sweetheart, deal with it."

Debbie

So, you going out cruising after you drop me off?

Michael

No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy.

Debbie

Woo! Sounds hot!

Michael

If you must know I am going back to my gay apartment, taking off my gay clothes and getting into my gay bed.

Brian

Christ. He'll probably grow up to be straight.

Michael

All the more reason he needs his Dad!

Debbie

Sweetie, you know that I approve of your lifestyle.

Michael

Maybe I don't want you to approve, maybe I want you to go home and cry.

Michael

What the fuck did you do that for? You practically got us engaged!

Brian

Well, I want to dance with the bride at her wedding. And Tracy, too.

Michael

Blake just winked at you.

Ted

He's got some crystal meth in his eye.

Brian

You know, he's the first. The first almost-dead guy I sort of had sex with.

Michael

You had sex with Ted?

Emmett

You never had sex with Ted!

Michael

When did you have sex with T--

Brian

Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.