Why might I put my finger up your bottom if you couldn't name of seven bald men apart from Yul Brynner? [Beat] That is one of the oddest questions I've ever asked anybody.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
FMFred MacAulay
There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will show you at the drop of a hat.
I've seen dandruff on the shoes. That's a giveaway. But the short kilt -
I don't feel well now.
[waving arms] I don't feel good with that information. Quick, send something else! Give me another image!
[On field crickets chirping quicker at hotter temperatures]
Well, it makes sense now, when you think about when you're being in a hot country, and you're tossing at night and you can't get off, and then you hear the…
[long look]
No! No, no, no.
[sympathetic look]
I'm simply not having it!
Sounds like it.
A million British horses were sent to the First World War front. What happened to the ones that survived?
They settled in the southern France, opened a caravan park…
Of course they couldn't learn the language, so they ended up moving back.
No one has ever fallen on a banana peel. No one’s slid on a banana peel... Presumably the only person...
[Alan puts up his hand.]
You? You’re kidding. The one person in history.
That is a commitment to comedy, Alan. Well done.
Was this in comedy school, or once you’d graduated?
No, it was in Chapel Market in Islington. It’s a fruit and veg market.
That’s a likely place to find one.
I did actually tread on a banana. And you really go. I mean, they are incredible.
There was a little girl in our primary school class, we were like 6 years old, and she was just in floods of tears. Bawling her eyes out. And we kind of went, ‘what’s the matter?’ She went, ‘I just love horses so much!’
CBClare Balding
I don’t see why that’s strange.
[On how to find your way towards north in a forest]
You find a tree.
Yeah?
With moss on it. And…
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - MOSS]
[unaffected] …On the opposite side of it, it's dry, so you sit there and wait for someone to come along and ask them.
I wore trousers very much like that. With the long sock, of course.
We know about your long socks.
Don’t we just?
[Taking off his lei.] Can I take this off? I’m getting a rash,
Okay.
I’m allergic to souvenirs.
What's the oldest trick in the book?
Debbie McGee.
DRDaniel Radcliffe
The oldest trick in the book is pulling the head off a dead goose and then restoring it.
I can do the first half of that trick.
[Daniel Radcliffe has given several correct and comprehensive answers. Alan is starting to look miserable.]
Don't be put off by a young person knowing more than you, Alan. You must be used to it by now.
Graham, would you like to read your joke?
Okay, here we go. (He reads the joke and then looks up at Stephen.) Did you write this?
Are they good?
It just sounds like something you might write. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who.
To whom, surely.
[Stephen has hypnotized a lobster]
You truly are a renaissance man!
I wear tights, put it that way.
[On the sunset being in effect a mirage, to the general confusion of the panellists]
I...hate...this...show.
Oh Phill, be interested, please.
The sun...is there! But you're going: [deep voice] No. But it's there. Not there. Miraaage.
[Later, Alan has expounded on sunstrikes in New Zealand]
And I'm sure the drivers in New Zealand, as they see the sun setting, will be reassured to know that it's [deep voice] not there.
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