QI Season 1 quotes

Dara Ó Briain

I gonna have go to them to get them to talk and I was in Liverpool at The Strip, I start with dreams about the occasion of having a dream about a famous person and some bloke in the crowd shared with us that he had a dream about Kate Winslet. And I said "Oh!" and I said "Was it a sexy dream?" and he said "No, she turned me down" [general laughter] In his own head! And I said to him "Were you disappointed?" and he said "Naw, I didn't hit her with my best stuff".

Stephen Fry

That's very strange.

Alan Davies

I had a dream about Kate Winslet and in my dream it didn't turn out well either.

Dara Ó Briain

Wow, she's like the Freddie Krueger of teases.

Sean Lock

I imagine seriously violent criminals are quite good at sex.

Stephen Fry

Are they?

Sean Lock

I don’t know, I’m just guessing.

Alan Davies

Tomatoes.

Stephen Fry

Tomatoes is the right answer.

Alan Davies

50 points!

Stephen Fry

Yeah... maybe. Some points.

Alan Davies

You normally introduce me last. It slightly caught me out, and I was applauding myself.

Stephen Fry

Oh, bless.

Alan Davies

And I was applauding myself insincerely.

Johnny Vegas

What if you got an air pocket in your ears?

Stephen Fry

A pocket?

Johnny Vegas

You know, the ear pockets. [puts his fingers in his ears]

Stephen Fry

Yes, but the ear cavities are cancelled out...

Sandi Toksvig

[reaches for Johnny's arm] Take your fingers out, you won't hear the answer.

Sandi Toksvig

Do you know my grandfather had two glass eyes and yet he could see, so he, erm, what happened was, very sad, he lost one eye. He wasn't careless he was ill. And he had a glass eye made that was exactly like his other perfectly working blue Scandinavian eye and then he had one made that was blood shot, and it was known as Granddads Party Eye. And he kept it in a box on a mantelpiece. And when he was going out for the evening, he'd take out the false blue one and put in the blood shot one and he said "I'm going out now and I shan't be back till they match."

Sandi Toksvig

If a Quickfire Hypothetical Round takes a really long time, is it still a quickfire...

Sandi Toksvig

There's a wonderful story about a famous ocean liner captain, and he had a little silver box that he kept in his pocket. And every time before they came into port he'd take out the silver box and look into it. After many years service he finally died and his second in command said "Lets have a look in that silver box". And they opened the box and it said "Port: Left. Starboard: Right."

Sandi Toksvig

I don't like cats very much...

Stephen Fry

Awww...

Sandi Toksvig

No, I'm sorry. So many cats, so few recipes.

Sandi Toksvig

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed enjoying a post-coital cigarette. And the chicken turns to the egg and says, "Well, I think we've just answered that question".

Alan Davies

What an unusual serial killer that was. If only they had CSI Vienna.

Stephen Fry

The ecological footprint is a measure of the amount of land needed to regenerate consumed resources and deal with the resultant waste, and current figures calculated by the United Nations are that we are using up 1.4 times more than the planet can restore.

Alan Davies

The thing is… we evolved from this planet, we are of this planet, we live on this planet, so… can't we do what we like?

Stephen Fry

Yep… absolutely.

Alan Davies

I mean we are victims of our own evolution; I just happened to have come in at this point and now I have to turn the lights out and can't see where I'm going when I go to bed.

Stephen Fry

It has never been illegal to own a slave in England until April 2010. [To Alan] I'm saying I could have had you, as a slave, legally.

Alan Davies

You mean, this series, I'm finally free?

Stephen Fry

[To David Mitchell] Once again, your relentless, urgent, slightly worried logic is making this nonsense.

Jeremy Clarkson

I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease, two slipped disks...

Alan Davies

[singing] …And a partridge in a pear tree!