Do you know the Boomerang joke?
Go on.
It'll come back to you.
I walked into that one.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
It just goes in the bin, doesn’t it, bubble wrap, once you’ve popped it.
Or you sit in front of the telly relieving yourself.
[Alan gives Stephen a pointed look.]
You know what I mean.
Yes. But let’s get back to the bubble wrap.
[A klaxon goes off.]
Not me. Wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything.
What has 32 brains and sucks?
[points towards the audience] The front row.
Are you suggesting...?
I’m not suggesting...
Are you suggesting that I’m somehow pleasuring a whale?
A sperm whale’s penis is about 3 metres long.
What would you find at the exact centre of the observable universe?
You?
[Later]
Isn't the sun the centre of the universe?
[Bursts out in patronizing laughter, catches himself] Well, sorry for my laughter.
What a way to build me confidence!
I thought that was a serious question as well and we both looked at you and you looked at us like the peasants of the land. "Will we ever be free of this tyranny? [throws back her head] Bwa, haw, haw! Never, never, never!"
Doesn't the Wicked Hall Witch live there? Haw, haw haw...
I'm sorry that it sounded quite so patronizing. The centre of the universe is apparently Bank street and Sixth street in Wallace, Idaho or...
The sun.
Johnny Vegas and Aisling Bea: [going "haw haw haw" and high-fiveing each other]
You beasts, you beasts, you unutterable beasts.
[On the formation of the Moon.]
They invented a theory to keep the argument alive?
Basically.
I had an ex-girlfriend like that.
If you brought a cat or a dog to feed to the lions. Or the tigers. They had tigers as well. And they had bears.
Oh, my.
Good books, you don't need to bother reading. Like it's controversial to say it, but I don't think Harry Potter is worth reading, because its so expertly narrated on the audio-books [which Stephen Fry narrated]. [Laughter] You know after I listened to the Harry Potter books with you narrating them, everything in my life is narrated by Stephen Fry. All my thoughts, my internal monologue is now Stephen Fry's voice. Even the dirty thoughts. [Laughter] It makes it acceptable. I had a sexual thought the other day, I put my hand in the air, I had a sexual thought about Camilla Parker Bowles. It didn’t seem weird, [points at Stephen] because Stephen was saying it.
[Gets a question right and rips open his shirt in excitement, baring his chest.]
You made a happy man feel very old.
Who likes clowns?
UKIP supporters. They are kind fun and comical and wear silly clothes. But they are also terrifying.
LLLloyd Langford
They also have a lot of white faces.
[Stephen and Victoria Coren Mitchell are locked in a debate about the origin of the word "luncheon"]
This is like watching two great stags...
[The debate continues]
[imitating a tannoy] 30-15, Fry.
I was at the airport in Belfast and I bought the journal of the Titanic Society. It's sort of a photocopy but quite a fat thing. And I read it, it's about a hundred pages, lots of stuff about the Captain and how it's put together, not one reference in the entire book to the fact that it sank. I love it when people are positive. With the Titanic Society, their ship is always half empty of water.
Was it Bill Tidy who did the most fantastic cartoon of all time? It was a queue of people and it said "Information About Titanic". And people would queue up to find out about survivors, women in shawls, and at the back there's two polar bears standing, calling "Any news about the iceberg?".
How did Chicago get completely screwed up?
They brought Catherine Zeta-Jones in.
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