TV show quotes
My legs went to jelly. I did this thing with Bear Grylls, where I had to rappell down a sheer face. I was never so terrified in my entire life. I got there, and I...
Sorry, you rappelled down Bear Grylls face?
He chose the face.
And then your legs went to jelly.
The really frightening thing was, you know, he took me to the edge and then there was 45 minutes...
Sorry, Bear Grylls took you to the edge?
[double facepalms]
All I know about space is taken entirely from Sandra Bullock's performance in Gravity
We know a little bit about it. We know that thunderbolt and lightning, is very, very frightening.
Lightning goes upwards?
Oh, yes. Absolutely.
Wrong.
[on the discussion of Napoleon III]
I had no idea we had a hipster Napoleon.
Oh, yeah!
Check it out. "Yeah, could I have a flat white please? Yeah, the jacket? I got it at this vintage place: it's great."
Why would you keep a leash on a leech?
Is it a medicinal leech?
Yes it is.
They use them in the NHS today, don't they?
Yes, they do. They absolutely do.
You put them on a wound, don't you? And they eat bits that are infected.
No, that's the maggots.
Have I travelled back in time?
No!
And migraine headaches are caused by a demon living in your head!
[On the discussion of the use of leeches helping heal capillaries]
Does it hurt?
It doesn't really hurt much, no no.
What do you mean, how'd you know?
Well, I'm told it doesn't hurt.
I don't you and your public school ways. "Fry, time for a leeching!"
"Scrotum!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Get Fry!"
It doesn't hurt as much as double...
"It's time for his leeching."
"What do you want Scrotum?"
It doesn't hurt as much as Dr. Stavely slamming your dick in a desk, I admit. But - Look, I love to shock you - it's sweet.
Do you remember John Wayne Bobbitt?
Yeah, he went to Winchester.
Of course, we remember Bobbitt. His wife severed his...
Yeah, she cut his penis off and threw it out of the window of a moving car, so it took some finding. But then they sewed it back on and he made some money out of porn films, weirdly.
He must have been rather impressed that a penis took some finding was found. He must have thought "Yes"!
That's why they found the right one: that would have been a disaster.
I could imagine him at the line up. "Could I see number 3 again?"
You're too used to that program: that's just sick.
Who's in charge of all the ants?
Adam.
Very good.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - ADAM ANT]
NO!
We were there before you, I'm afraid.
Is it a queen?
A queen ant? Of course, that's gonna get a klaxon.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - THE QUEEN]
What has four legs and a sense of humour?
Ant and Dec.
India's first nuclear device. Do you know what that was called, and what it might have been?
It was a curry.
What's the most depressing radio program of all time?
[Immediately] Oh, Simon Bates! By miles.
[Imitating Simon Bates, presenting Our Tune ] But surely. that's the story of people who fell in love. She did die of the cancer, but...
She battled through the cancer and here's her song: Too Drunk To Fuck
[On the most depressing radio programme ever.]
I had several correspondents who would say that Saturday Live is the most depressing radio programme.
Really? [points to screen]
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - "SATURDAY LIVE"]
What colour are the flags on the moon?
Well, do they look different? When you're there? Are there no flags? There's no moon... oh god.
[The audience starts laughing as Alan clutches his nose in despair.]
I could just hear about 100 klaxons sounding.
They go on a extraordinary shagging spree. I mean its quite ugly, but I give you the details, because they are pretty amazing: It's semelparous, meaning they only do it once, and it is about 12 hours on the job with one female, before it moves on to the next. It doesn't eat or sleep, but keeps going in a testosterone driven frenzy...
Oh never mind about him, that poor female. Twelve hours. She must be chafed.
To get the necessary energy the male's body has stripped its body of all the nutrients and suppressed the immune system, by the end of a fortnight they are physically exhausted, bald, gangrenous, ravaged by stress and infection and keel over and die. Russell Brand, take note.
How fast was the fastest mass extinction in history, in years...
The Liberal Democrats.
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