TV show quotes
[On the term 'cool' becoming to mean 'fashionable' in 1933 - the year Hitler came to power]
[mimicking German accent] "Zees new uniforms are cool!"
[General laughter]
[ironically] So this is Christmas...
[mimicking German accent] "I joined ze Nazi party. Zey're cool, daddy-o!"
"Cool, daddy-o!"
"And bezides, I have no choice."
"I burned down a Reichstag. Cool!"
I’ll tell you what annoyed me, if it’s 5 items or fewer, then it’s 5 items or fewer! Don’t come in with 6 and stand in front of me.
You look in their basket?
You bet I do. Yeah. And then say absolutely nothing.
[On children]
I thought you were supposed to play natural sounds because the noises of contemporary life are extremely distractive and create behavioral difficulties. That's why you mustn't have television on 'til they're four, or something like that.
That's not how parenting works, my friend. You have the television - you train them to like the television as quickly as you possibly can!
[laughing] Because there was no ADHD until television was invented, they kind of coincide…
They're happy with HD, my friend.
[On a painting of Leonardo da Vinci's deathbed, Alan has spotted a figure looking very much like Rodney Bewes]
What a weird, unsettling thing to discover that would be, in the context of the credit crunch and everything, suddenly to discover that Rodney Bewes was immortal. Just imagine, on the news, them going: "And today it emerged that actor Rodney Bewes has been alive for as long as time."
Given the things that we're talking about, or pretending to know what we're talking about, I actually really don't know who Rodney Bewes is.
[After Stephen has explained who Rodney Bewes is]
I have to say, the whole point about QI, right, is that the rest of the world talks about cultural things, reality TV and pop stars and Rodney Bewes… and we talk about Leonardo. And what you've done [motions towards Graham] by coming on is we started - no, you actually. [turns to point at Alan] We started talking about Leonardo and we've arrived at Rodney Bewes! That's the wrong direction!
I didn't even know who he was!
How old are you?
[Silence, which then turns into laughter]
[flirtatiously] How old do I look?
[flirtatiously] How old do I feel?
Just shows you the effect of this game, though. You ask a question, all four of us think: "That is something I definitely know the answer to, but I've been made so uncertain, and frightened about that, [motions behind himself - referring to the klaxon] that I'm not even willing to give my own age, name, or address".
How can it be a trap? How can this possibly be a trap? I AM thirty-seven. Look! [hits the buzzer - Dublin, Ó Briain] Thirty-seven! There we go. No points lost...
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - DARA - 37]
BUT THAT'S NOT WRONG!
DON'T ACCEPT IT: YOU ARE!
I actually am!
We should all do it.
Yeah, alright. [hits the buzzer - Peterhouse, Mitchell] 34.
34, eh?
34.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - DAVID - 34]
[to Graham] You don't want to do this, do you?
No, I'll do it. [hits the buzzer - Cork, Norton] Graham Norton, 46.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - GRAHAM - 46]
I'm not doing it...
[After Stephen has explained that 98% of the atoms in the human body are replaced yearly]
I think some of my socks are older than I am. I feel like I should defer to them.
How many brains did the the man with two brains have?
…Two?
Yes! That's brilliant!
[Banging both fists on the table] It's so cruel!
He's wise enough to spot a double bluff!
It's just the technique of the bully! You hit us! And then you go: [with appropriate mimicry] "Oh, you thought I was going to hit you! I wouldn't hit you. I'm not going to hit you. This is my hand to stroke you." And we go: "Aargh, aargh, he's stroking us!"
But even more extraordinary is the word 'girl'. Right up until mid 15th century...
Boys were called girls?
Yes.
They were!?
All children... You're having to rethink everything, aren't you?
This is the most extraordinary episode yet!
[Panellists can win extra points by buzzing at a sexist comment]
I, I like pink. 'Pink makes the boys wink'. And I think that's right. I've known boys who've been complete winkers. Marvellous thing, pink.
I, uh, sorry. [rings in] Bit sexist, wasn't that.
[leans forward] Now, Jack, I've only just started. This is the beginning, my dear.
I'm gonna come down you like a…
Hello!
…ton of bricks.
[nonchalantly] Would be the first boy in my life to have done so.
They can get a man on the moon, but they can't get one on Sandi.
[On why there are few female guests on QI]
Is it because women are just not funny?
[gasps]
[imitating deep Southern woman] Now, that's right, but we're good at other things, we're good at raisin' kittens and knittin' cakes!
[About two minutes after this, Ronni and Sandi are still talking]
It feels extraordinary to sit next to a women...
[Jack's buzzer goes off]
Oh, hello.
Is it because once they start they never shut up?
I think there's a scientific relationship between a sense of humour and the male sex organ.
People are always laughing at mine.
[On how to conceive a girl]
Friend of ours had a baby in Thailand. English couple. And the Thai woman said to her: "If you look lovely when you pregnant, you will have girl. If you look tired and ugly, dress badly, you will have boy." And she said: "What do you think I'm gonna have?" "Boy."
[laughing] Outrageous!
And she did!
Now, the socks that man in the middle is wearing, very long socks, and just out of interest for you, that’s something that I’ve turned to recently. I now favour the longer sock.
Do you? Can you take me through your reasoning?
Yes, I can, I’ll show you. [He slowly pulls up his trouser leg.] The gentleman’s sock. Now Jo, you as a lady, you’re gonna think this sock is gonna stop a lot sooner than it does. So watch this. Look at that. Surely you’ve reached the peak. Surely we’ve peaked.
Oh, my word! He’s wearing tights!
Can I say, not so much for Jo, but Stephen, Alan and Sean, I urge you to give it a go. Because it gives you a feeling of security.
They do make you look like a nob-head.
[Rob has given an enthusiastic speech about the brilliance of long socks]
I just wonder what's gonna happen to you when you go, like, skydiving. You go: "Wow! [spreading his hands] That's incredible! Forget the socks! This is amazing!"
I have been skydiving.
Have you tried jelly? That's nice.
What happens in Germany at 11:11 on the 11th of November every year?
[completely deadpan] Everything carries on as normal.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's QI pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
