TV show quotes
What makes Australian spiders so dangerous?
It’s their cunning and their organisation, Stephen. And the fact they’re willing to put the man hours in. They will stalk you for weeks, they’ll look for patterns in your behaviour, and they’ll strike when you least expect it.
What use is a goose?
[dead serious] Is it toilet paper? [general laughter] No, seriously. Is it - [more laughter]
Sandi, that is bizarre. Why do you say that?
Well, because I once read this book by Rabelais, I think it was called Gargantua. And he recommended that the best thing for toilet paper was a live goose. And I have yet to check in to a five-star hotel without a sense of disappointment.
So that's the uses of gooses or the eese of geese.
Is the next question on the habits of rabbits?
Oh, I wish that it were.
How far can you shove a dove?
Hats of cats. That's my offer.
[On giraffes]
So there you are. There are these beautiful animals, and they are graceful and sweet and long eyelashes and sexy and rather desirable in many ways…
Good thing you're tall.
What's the commonest cause of death among mountain goats?
[hitting his buzzer] BRIAN BLESSED.
[About gerbils]
You can freeze them and then, er, hit them over a wall with a cricket bat.
Which popular game traditionally ends with all of the participants being thrown into a lake of fiery sulfur?
I hope it's show jumping. I hate show jumping!
[On Ouija boards]
…But the reference in the Bible to the fiery lake or whatever is from Revelations, where it does say that those who practice the magic arts will be cast into burning sulfur.
How about balloon animals?
The punishment for people who do balloon animals is not specified in the Book of Revelations.
I think it's loneliness, their punishment
You could do it with other sports, couldn't you, though?
Yeah, go on.
I don't know. Chugby.
Chugby?
Chess and rugby.
Chess and rugby. I like that.
Darts and swimming.
Ooh.
Swarts.... Or dimming.
Or dimming.
Underwater darts. Would that work?
Oh, yes, I like the sound of that.
Or... Darts at swimmers.
Friends of mine, back in Wales, quite a few of them have got Welsh - it's not a famous voice but it's a Welsh SatNav, which basically goes, you know -
In Welsh language?
No, no, no, just with Welsh attitude. Welsh approach to life. Or death. "Turning coming up now in about forty yards, get ready for it. Getting a bit closer now, get ready, here it comes. [with utter disappointment] Ohh, you plank! You've missed it. [bored, motioning with his finger] Now, do a u-ie, do a u-ie. Do it! No - don't - oh, [cynical] pull over, attach a hose pipe to the exhaust and just end it all."
What are large - very large - blue, rare, slow-moving, have calfs...
Ah, look at Alan's face!
...suffer from wet bottoms, and are found all over the world?
[with a sly grin, pointing his finger at Stephen] Not the blue whale!
[After David Tennant has answered a historical question correctly]
It's all the time travel he does! He knows something about every era.
[cough] He's acting. [cough]
It's not real? [sounds agitated] What do you mean? What do you mean?
Don't listen to him. [glares at Stephen]
[raises a hand apologetically] I'm sorry!
[leans towards David] Don't tell me it's not real!
[whispering] Don't listen to the bad man!
I know, it’s a documentary, I know.
Yes, Exactly.
Cybermen are real. Saw one in the corridor upstairs looking for you.
At school, we used to do what we called quad hockey, which is like a polo, only on bikes. You use a hockey stick and a ball, and you just go round on, um…
On quad bikes?
No, not on quad bikes. In a quad. In a quadrangle.
You were playing hockey in a quadrangle? You had a very different sort of schooling to a lot of us.
Why? How is that different?
Well, in my school, we used to set fire to cars. In an octangle.
The Nazis banned smoking?
The Nazis, yeah, they had very strong anti-smoking…
The more I hear about them, the less I like them.
"Well that's the final straw!"
"Up until this point, I've been prepared to listen…"
"Oh, I can rationalise everything else, but that …"
You can't damn it and damn it and double damn it. You could damn it and damn it and triple damn it.
Yeah. That was his mistake.
[eyeing David] ...chairman of the pedantic society.
Vice chairman actually. [grins]
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