[Clive Anderson's buzzer is (Everything I Do) I Do It for You by Bryan Adams.]
Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
And what are the symptoms of taking E? Do you know, Clive?
Um, I don't know, I haven't taken it myself. I've given ecstasy, but not …
And who are the most dangerous cars driven by in the world?
Oh, are we talking about men or women, children, babies, dogs...
No, nationalities. The most dangerous cars are green apparently, and driven by the Chinese.
...called tanks.
[On the composition of dust in a home]
Animals, insects...
Dust mites.
JJeremy
...bits of smashed badgers.
[forfeit klaxon sounds]
JJeremy
[incredulous] Smashed badgers is coming up there!?
What would you find in the middle of a pearl??
An oyster.
[Whilst audience are laughing] No.
[Surprised voice] You find an oyster in the middle of a pearl?!
[on getting his foot stuck in a giant clam]
I was going "I wonder what happens if you put your foot in that?" and [claps hands] BOOM! It's got a sort of velvety, soft, rather comfortable place to get stuck.
Doesn't it start ingesting it and squirting enzymes at your foot?
I was more worried by the meter saying how much air I had left in the tanks.
Aren't you supposed to have a buddy when you dive?
Oh, I did. That was my wife, she had buggered off.
There's a great story about Conan Doyle, actually. Just for a joke, one day, he wrote a note saying, We are discovered. Flee immediately, and he sent it to five of his friends to see what they would do. And one of them disappeared!
There was a time when all the elevator cables were sheared off in the Empire State Building. Do you know about this story?
Yeah, there was a giant ape on the side of it.
Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks... it may be a lion.
It's just so stupid, isn't it? Beating your wife... I mean, it's your wife- it's like keying your own car!
Society just got a tiny bit worse...
I like to think I can help.
What happens if an ear wig gets into your ear?
It gets into your brain, and it stays there, and you form a sort of symbiotic relation with it. It happened to me 20 years ago, and we've never been happier!
[forfeit klaxon goes off - IT BORES INTO YOUR BRAIN]
You know if a spider lays its eggs underneath your skin, think about how much worse it'd be if it was a goose.
[on baby cats]
If you cut their whiskers off, they can get their head stuck in a milk bottle, I know that.
...from experience?
They will try, if you put something at the bottom like a bit of tuna.
And if they do actually manage it, you end up with a lovely bottled cat! That you can take to a party. "I couldn't decide red or white, so I brought a cat."
[on the myth about the brace position preserving dental records]
I've heard that and frankly, I don't know why they don't just tell people! "In the unlikely event of the plane crashing, I think we can all agree, you'd like to be identified. Bite down as hard as you can on your own armrest."
[Alan makes his entrance wearing an elephant mask.]
I was the elephant in the room!
I know, it was brilliant.
It was brilliant!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's QI pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.