Now the atmosphere is completely: um, what's the word I'm looking for?
Electric?
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - ELECTRIC]
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Now, question one, I think. I'm naked; it's pouring down with rain. Can you give me a good reason why I should crouch down with my bottom in the air? [Jo immediately rings in; Stephen is already laughing.] Jo.
Stephen, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a good reason.
[The number of British people killed by lightning each year]
It's between three and six, actually, it's not very many.
Four or five.
You’re not doing badly, I must say. A fulsome pair of funbags there.
You know what? That was almost heterosexual.
But it wasn’t though, was it?
["What were cornflakes originally used for?"]
It was for, er, putting in mattresses, for monks, as, er, an anti-masturbation sound trigger device …
[The audience begins to laugh.]
Johnny Vegas, take some points!
You're jokin'!
[The whole studio roars with laughter. It's revealed that Will Keith Kellogg was a Seventh Day Adventist, and originally made Corn Flakes in an attempt to inhibit masturbation.]
[After hearing that eating nothing but rabbit will eventually kill you]
My dad killed my pet rabbit and fed it to me.
[The audience is stunned.]
Did he?! [kindly] Perhaps he was trying to kill you, Johnny.
When did rabbits arrive in Britain?
Tuesday.
Do you remember what year it was?
3000 years ago. Tuesday morning.
I love the way your mind works, Alan Davies … and I use the word "works" quite wrongly.
Where do you put your ladder if you want it to go into space?
On top of a spaceship. With a flag hanging on it, so other spaceships don't follow you too closely.
It's a conceptual question. How about this: Up against the wall of silence.
You should have railings build around you and people come and worship you as a kind of modern Buddha. You've got the look, I have to say.
Oh, thank you very much.
Buddha look.
Rural Buddha [in a West Country accent] Wisdom...and cheap cider.
[after several hare brained schemes have been proposed by the panellists]:
How about this: You could just...imagine.
Oh Bill, that is so beautiful.
'Tis the wisdom of the rural Buddha.
The Dalai Farmer.
It’s like a mix between smug and orgasm.
Smorgasm.
[On the problems of having sex in space]
The male member would be slightly smaller in space. 'Cause blood pressure is lower.
In space, no one can hear you apologize.
[About the first words spoken from the surface of the moon]
Was it 'This is the Moon, this is the end of the line...'
Great to be here in Philadelph—I mean, the Moon.
Edward VII took a lot of mercury.
I think he might have done.
I thought it was for constipation. A very literal way of treating it. Drink a heavy liquid, force the poo down. Alternative would be, stand on your hands and have a lot of helium.
[in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!
Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit für das deutsche Vaterland! Danach lasst uns alle streben Brüderlich mit Herz und Hand!
I have an erection.
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