QI quotes

Stephen Fry

Mithras was a saviour sent to Earth to live as a mortal, through whom it was possible for sinners to be reborn into immortal life; he died for our sins but came back to life the following Sunday; he was born of a virgin on December 25th in a manger or, perhaps, a cave, attended by shepherds, and became known as The Light of the World; he had twelve disciples with whom he shared a last meal before dying; his devotees symbolically consumed the flesh and blood of him. Because Mithras was a sun god he was worshipped on Sundays...

Alan Davies

Is he a tribute band?

Stephen Fry

There are dozens of religions in world mythology that have visits by wise men, kings who killed children to stop the new king from being born. There's a great deal in Christianity that's traditional. And however wonderful people think the story is, it's frankly not original.

Dara Ó Briain

That is an interesting direction to start a Christmas Special with.

Rich Hall

The nativity story in the bible, probably could find a hotel room because they hadn't booked in advance.

Alan Davies

They should known it will be busy. Because its Christmas.

Rich Hall

Every day is a Bank Holiday in America.

Dara Ó Briain

[explaining how to pour Guinness correctly] Five-twelfths of an inch is the ideal head around the top, and if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork.

Dara Ó Briain

[in thick Irish accent] And they stuck All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day around the time people were celebrating …

Stephen Fry

You know, I don't think there is an Arseholes Day.

Dara Ó Briain

You and your liberal agenda.

Stephen Fry

Why do they [British Royal Family] open presents on Christmas Eve?

Jo Brand

Because they're all fuckin' mad!

Stephen Fry

No, because they're all fuckin' German!

Dara Ó Briain

I do remember once going out with a lady who was raised atheist, and an utter chore to walk around the gallery with. They go, 'who's the guy on the sticks? Is he the same guy who was in the shed earlier on?'

Stephen Fry

Name a saint who comes from Ireland.

Alan Davies

Patrick.

Alan Davies

Why do I even bother?

Stephen Fry

Where is the best place to be when a nuclear bomb goes off?

Jimmy Carr

I would've gone with downtown Nagasaki. Because what are the chances of that happening again? You've got to play the odds.

Stephen Fry

What could you make with an ultrasound rectal probe, a light-emitting tube, bicycle helmets, protective clothing, a huge tub of Vaseline, and a wheel-barrow?

Jimmy Carr

I could make you the happiest man alive.

Stephen Fry

How does a love bomb work?

Rob Brydon

I turn up and I get on with it. (Applause.) Is a love bomb a bottom noise that can be made whilst you’re making lo...you know, sometimes you’re... and then all of a sudden, you know that noise, it’s really awkward and you pretend you haven’t heard it?

Stephen Fry

Rob? Rob, can I remind you of something? Your father is in the audience.

Rob Brydon

He’s happy to go ‘that’s my boy! You’re putting Wales on the map, Robert!’

Stephen Fry

How do they ingest their blood? What do they do?

Alan Davies

They bite and sniff it up. Swallow it. Lick it. Slurp it. Hide it. Store it. Decant it.

Stephen Fry

Decant it!?

Stephen Fry

Where is the biggest load of rubbish in the world?

France.

Stephen Fry

How can you tell that God is a civil engineer? Because when he designed the human body, he put the recreational area right next to the sewage outflow.