Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

[After revealing that neither Television, Haggis nor Whiskey was invented in Scotland] Scottish inventions and discoveries include: Adhesive stamps, the Australian national anthem, the Bank of England, bicycle pedals, the breech-loading rifle--you'll notice I'm going in alphabetical order--Bovril, the cell nucleus, chloroform, the cloud chamber, cornflower, a cure for malaria, the decimal point, the Encyclopedia Britannica, fountain pens, fingerprinting, hypnosis, hypodermic syringes, insulin, the kaleidoscope, the lawnmower, lime cordial, logarithms, lorries, marmalade, matches, motor insurance, paraffin, piano pedals, the postmark, pneumatic tyres, RADAR, the reflecting telescope, savings banks, the screw propeller, the speedometer, the steam hammer, raincoats, tarmac, teleprinters, tubular steel, typhoid vaccine, ultrasound scanners, the United States Navy, Universal Standard Time, vacuum flasks, wave-powered electricity generations, and wire rope!

Stephen Fry

I leave you with this cautionary snippet about paying attention. A radio interviewer from GLR radio carried away with news of a possible discovery of a cross between an elephant and a woolly mammoth, asked a palaeontologist "so it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla, would it?" To which the palaeontologist replied "Yes, pretty much! Except elephant shaped. And eh, with tusks."

Stephen Fry

How do you tell able seamen from ordinary seamen? [Laughter] When you applied for a job on a merchant vessel, you registered either as an able seamen or an ordinary seamen, and they accepted your word. But you kept a log of your work, which was the real proof and it was called a Certificate of Continuous Discharge.

Stephen Fry

....good evening and welcome to QI, for another tentative sniff at the enormous bottom of knowledge.

Stephen Fry

You know that joke, don't you? What's the similarity is between the pelican and British Gas? They can both can stick their bills up their arses.

Stephen Fry

So, Culloden was really more of a local difficulty; it was Highland versus Lowland; it was like Celtic and Rangers. Catholic versus Protestant, essentially. It's that kind of fight. And it goes on to this day. Will we never learn? Who knows? Religion. Shit it.

Stephen Fry

How can you tell that God is a civil engineer? Because when he designed the human body, he put the recreational area right next to the sewage outflow.

Stephen Fry

I love the way your mind works, Alan Davies … and I use the word "works" quite wrongly.

Stephen Fry

Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.

Stephen Fry

Well, bless him, when he arrived—I'm not wishing to sound patronising, but I've just said "bless him," so there's no way out—

Stephen Fry

So that's all from Bill, Jo, Jeremy, Alan and Pudsey and me and I'll leave you with this thought about one form of entertainment we haven't covered tonight, from Noel Coward: "People are wrong when they say that opera is not what it used to be. It is exactly what it used to be, that is what is wrong with it." Good night.

Stephen Fry

Anyway. The Borgia Pope celebrated the feast of chestnuts by an evening of prostitute-racing in the Vatican.

Stephen Fry

My grandfather was a Hungarian Jew, he said "A Hungarian is the only man who can follow you into a revolving door and come out first."

Stephen Fry

My name is Stephen "My Bottom Is a Treasure-house" Fry; Thank you and good night.

Stephen Fry

[to the camera] If you are watching QI now, and you believe in astrology, you are banned from watching in future. You are not allowed; you must turn it over now. Thank you.