Mark quotes from Peep Show

Mark

Yeah, murdering your enemies is quite a simple solution. Which I guess is why in ethics and law it's so frowned upon.

Mark

Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the masturbate-athon that is your life, to go to my son's christening?

Mark

Nothing from Dobby since Christmas. I want to call again, but when I leave long messages, I have this nagging sense that I'll end up hearing them being played back to me in a court of law.

Mark

(Yeah. Listerine in the cab, swill the backwash into my Volvic, spurt of Lynx, it's the busy man's shower! OK, the edit, the brutal edit.) Um, OK, hi. So there's, there's so much to say about Gerrard. (That can all go, that goes.) In a way, whatever I say will end up feeling incomplete. (Covered myself there.) So why don't I just sum up? My first day I thought, what a great guy. I liked him as soon as I met him. (This is gonna take forever.) Yes, I mean, why don't I just give you the stories, the highlights? Aberdeen, the Finnemore numbers, tube up the nose! But so noble. World of Warcraft, huge for him. JLB, obviously, which I think Alan hit. (Sum up, time to sum up.) Look, I don't want to warble on when we probably all want to be out grieving and crying in a more well-catered environment. Sarnies! God, he loved a sandwich, seriously. (That's enough.) So, I just feel very sad, that's the take home message which I want you all to go away with. (Think I got away with that. Yeah, if you've got any complaints, tell 'em to Gerrard.)

Mark

Look, I think we need a cooling-off period. Just go back to London, find out what Nancy's up to, watch some pornos, have a couple of gay flings and then, at the end of two weeks, if you still feel the same, then maybe you can say something.

Mark

I'll kill you, Jeremy, for trying to steal Dobby, and electrocuting me, and destroying my fucking pie!

Mark

Anything I could use that might be a bit more romantic? Also, and I know this might sound like a bit of a starter question, but... what's your name?

Mark

It's Moroccan. Like my eyeshadow.

Mark

41! I win! (What do I win - most physically defective male?)

Mark

Is... is that him? Is that the robber? Shit! Where's the panic button? I can't find the panic button. I'm panicking and I can't find the panic...

Mark

I mean, I know I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm not even probably average. I'm a misshapen potato. An oddball (Feel free to disagree, April!). I'm mean-spirited, and I only really like hearing about other people's holidays when they've been disastrous.

I'm basically looking to meet someone like myself.

Mark

(Pfftt. That's exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.)

Mark

What does your sister do?

Toni

Not much. She's got leukaemia.

Mark

(That's what you get for trying to flirt.)

Mark

That's terrible. I'm so sorry. I suppose... I mean, at least it's not cancer.

Toni

It's a form of cancer.

Mark

Man. That's terrible. My gran... died of cancer. Although, hopefully, your sister... won't. Obviously. Listen, let's talk about something else. Something fun.

Mark

You know Kerry, cancer Kerry, I need to find out, for a friend, the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about, do you remember?

Sure. It was Doctor Ying Fu Yip... Wang Shong... Pang Fang Wang... Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.

Mark

Oh right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

Hey look, it's clean shirt.

Mark

(Clean shirt? What does that even mean? Isn't that good?)

Fuck off clean shirt!