Only Fools and Horses · Season 1
The spirits are with us. A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat. He wished to speak to someone called Audrey... No, no Aubrey.
Aubrey?
I am here.
Aubrey?
It's my middle name.
You never said your name was Aubrey.
Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.
This piece of paper. It's not a log book for a Cortina is it?
(to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.
Is he having a pop at me or something?
Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.
Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.
Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.
The hospital have just about given up with him.
He's low on something.
(completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.
All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.
You can pack that in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink [He rises] It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. [He considers] Excuse me.
You've got to make a decision, Mr Trotter: we can either save you or the baby.
Robbie Meadows, you old git.
Del please.
Sorry. Doctor Meadows, you old git. What you doing here?
I've got good news and bad news Del. The good news is they put me in charge of your case.
What's the bad news?
I specialise in amputation.
Good one. So how come you're in charge?
Accident really. I was chatting to some collegues when the name Derek Trotter came up, so I asked to see your GP's notes and look at your tests. I was amazed, I found myself reading about this non smoking, tee-total, celibate, vegetarian health freak. I thought to myself can this be the same Derek Trotter I know and begrudginly admire? That wheeling dealing Pina Colada lout, the Castella king, the curry coniseur, the same man who's lived his life on fast food, fried bread and doubtful women?
Was it?
Yeah it was.
[Elsie goes into a trance, leaning back, groaning and shutting her eyes.]
What's she doing?
She's going like this... (shuts his eyes, leans back and groans)
You know who that is don't ya?
Sounds like Jimmy Savile
[Rodney glares at Trigger]
Jimmy Savile? That is our mother
Sorry Del Boy. Dave.
[scornfully] Jimmy Savile.
That's right bruv. Cheek.
[Del and Alan are discussing Rodney and Cassandra's upcoming wedding.]
You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean, champagne, caviar, country clubs...
Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect.
[Mike arrives with a small scotch for Alan and a very elaborate, exotic looking cocktail for Del (it's more like a floral tribute).]
Listen, I’ve er heard of the Driscoll brothers Del but I’ve never seen them. What do they look like?
Well one of them looks like he was evicted from The Planet of the Apes
Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richards
What, he looks er younger than his years?
No, he’s got one of those faces that you wanna slap
[to Mickey and Jevon, after learning the Driscoll brothers are after him thanks to them] If I end up propping up a flyover on the M26, I guarantee you two will be at the next junction!
[The Driscoll Brothers arrive at the Nag's Head.]
Boycie, how nice!
Hello Danny. Your brother not with you?
Yeah. (Tony pops out from behind him)
Oh watcha Tony. Drink?
Nah! That right, Marlene's up the spout?
Yeah.
Dear dear dear. You let us know the minute you find out who done it and we'll sort him out.
Del Boy around?
No, I ain't seen him this evening.
Well that's funny his van's in the car park and what's this? A castella and a Malibu Reef? You sure he ain't around. Think hard, Guv'nor.
Well he may have been in earlier and then he left.
I see, you just had this place decorated?
(proudly) Yeah.
Shame. I want to buy everyone in the pub a drink, whatever they want. Now there's a pound, and I want change.
Large cognac, please, Michael.
You owe us £2000. You got the money?
Course I ain't. I ain't sold the phones yet have?
Don't give me all that Derek. Them two munchkins Ebony and Ivory took the phones off us three months ago.
Three months? I didn't know that Danny.
Do you think we're stupid? (Del doesn't answer) Do you think I'm stupid? If you don't cough up that two grand I'm gonna take his collar and lead off and let him loose on you! (Tony grins at Del menacingly)
When Tony and me were kids, we was very very poor. Our old man used to work in on of them old mansion houses. He worked from 6 in the morning til 8 at night and what for? A pittance.
A shilling a day and an horseshit sandwich.
One day, there was a robbery at the mansion, and the Bill arrested our old man and there wasn't any evidence was there?
Just finger prints.
Just finger prints.
And eye witnesses.
A Couple of eye witnesses. They found the jewels on him.
It was a plant.
I didn't know Rodney's middle name was Charlton.
Oh yeah, it was me mum. She was a fan.
Oh what, Charlton Heston?
No, Charlton Athletic.
You don't like baseball, you always called it "silly boys rounders".
Yeah, that's before i knew that it was in, now-a-days it's the kinda game that guys like me and Steven enjoy
What do you mean "Guys like me and Steven"?
Well, yuppies.
Yupp... Derek, I am not a yuppie!
You are Steven.
No, no I'm...
No take it from me son, you are!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Only Fools and Horses pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
