What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat. At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh!
It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.
70 nicker each? What, they fall off the back of a lorry?
If they did, they were going around the bend in Düsseldorf!
I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genius I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral!
[When Arnie collapses from his "heart attack".]
Don't panic. I am a doctor. Stand aside, stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit. (checks Arnie's pulse) Oh yes, very nasty he needs an operation. (searches Arnie's pockets for the key to his handcuff)
OWOld Woman
He's not a doctor. He's mugging the poor man.
[A large Greek man steps forward and grabs Boycie by the lapels.]
GMGreek Man
You... (punches Boycie on the nose)
OWOld Woman
Call the police.
RMRestaurant Manager
Yes madam, I call the police.
It's all right they'll be no need. I am an officer of the law.
WWoman
(looking at Del's height) Policemen are taller than that.
I'm a small town policeman. All right sunshine you are knicked. (grabs Boycie and takes him out of the restaurant) Come on, out you go! Rest assured madam when we get him down the police station, we'll give him a bloody good hiding. Come on you!
[Albert is forced to help Del out with carrying boxes of hooky gear since Rodney is at the Nag's Head with Cassandra.]
Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me. (sets the box down, goes to the front door)
(under his breath, mocking Albert, while taking his coat off) They've got no respect these days.
They've got no respect these days. (hangs up his hat)
(under his breath, mocking Albert) You fought in the war, didn't you? (puts his coat on the back of a chair in front of the TV)
(hangs up his coat) I fought in the war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. (bends over to pick up a letter, straightens up) And what do they do with their freedom?
(under his breath, mocking Albert; Del walks away from the bar, with a tin of beer in his hand) Anything they bloody like!
(comes back to the living room) Anything they bloody like! (closes the door behind him)
(Del drinks some beer.)
Oh, I unpacked that box and put some of the shirts in the suitcase with it. (notices the letter Albert has) Oh, is that for me?
(approaches Del) No, it's addressed to Rodney.
Oh, well. (puts his beer down) Same thing. (laughs briefly as he takes the letter from Albert)
[Del, Rodney, and Cassandra have arrived in Spain.]
Hang on a minute, just before you go and check in - this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.
Well he did win, didn't he?
[Rodney is staring, distracted, at all the other winners]
Oh yes, yes, he won and all that, and it's all pukka and above board, and we're here...
That's strange, you know.
Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads - they've all got their kids with them.
What's strange about that?
Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.
No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney... It's the kids.
Well Rodney's painting won first prize... in an under 15 year old category.
So they think Rodney's 15?!
No. They think you're 14.
14? (to Cassandra) They think I'm 14!!!
[Cassandra dissolves into giggles.]
Why didn't you tell me this back in England?
Well I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I didn't know there were lots of categories, but you're the one who wrote on it, "Rodney Trotter, aged 14 1/2", so the organisers must have put you in the kids category. So it's your fault, that you wrote on it.
But how was I to know that in 12 years' time, you were going to enter it into a cornflake competition?
Well how was I supposed to know that you'd win? Come on Rodney, it doesn't matter, you're going to waltz through it!
Waltz through it?! How the hell am I gonna pass for 14?!
[Cassandra is beside herself with laughter.]
(icily) Will you stop doing that, Cassandra?
[This sets Cassandra off into an even bigger fit of laughter.]
(to Del) This is your fault. I am going to break your bloody neck!
There is nothing wrong with me, I just have normal pains.
When you cam in tonight you just flopped straight down in that chair in agony.
"You don't understand Unc, that is PMA!
I thought it was only women who got that?
No! Rodney that is PMP! PMA is positive mental attitude, It's the new buzz word, it's what all us yuppies get.
