There's gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There's a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can't just say 'bonjour' to it.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Freddie the Frog. Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator... What a plonker.
[Mike and Boycie talk about Albert's terrible singing.]
Why does he keep doing it, eh?
God knows. I suppose at some time in his life, someone told him he could play the piano.
Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!
You've always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That's why you're no good at snooker.
All the things we've ever got from life has come from my intelligence, and my foresight.
Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up!
This flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it? I mean, fifteen minutes from the West End, it's fifteen minutes from the motorway...
And fifteen minutes from the ground.
(to Trigger at the bar in a yuppy club) I think we're on a winner here Trig, play it nice and cool son, nice and cool. You know what I mean? (falls through bar) Drink up Trig, we're leaving.
Well it was one Sunday many years ago!
Where was I?
You was down the Mountbatten estate selling them gas conversion kits.
You bastard!!! You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chicken pox just so you and Annie bleedin' Oakley could have the flat to yourselves.
It weren't like that Rodders! I was trying to present you with a challenge.
What, selling gas conversion kits on an all electric estate? That is a challenge and a half.
Jevon! Jevon!
JJevon
What?
See the blonde bird? I've had her! And her mate. See that black sort at the back there? She's crazy about me! Phones me all the time.
JJevon
You're one hell of a man, Mickey.
Mickey, are you doing this for charity?
What d'you mean?
Well, I just wondered whether it was sponsored bullshit.
I'm telling you the truth, Rodney!
It's a videotape recorder, isn't it? It's got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programmes for you.
Amazing!
Yeah, nothing but the best.
How does it know when you're on holiday?
You send it a postcard, don't you?
I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?
Yes, yes, yes, that's right yes! Rodney! Come along, it's gone six o'clock!
Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will you?
Cor blimey, look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.
[Del has just taken delivery of several boxes of blow up dolls, thinking they were children's dolls.]
Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
You can't have dolls with names like that.
You can if you go to the right shops!
[The Trotters discover the blow up dolls.]
Bloody hell! What have we got ourselves into here?
Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!
That's because I've got a high profile!
Yeah! High profile and low forehead!
[Albert doesn't quite understand the concept of the blow up dolls.]
They're big for little dolls, ain't they?
Unc, they ain't... ordinary dolls. You see them advertised in... magazines.
(starts to hunt around the living room) Where's that Radio Times?
Albert, have a day off, will you?! I mean... seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.
You're pulling my leg!
Oh, am I? You have a look at this, then! (produces an adult magazine from his jacket)
No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War III! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!
Have you actually read the instructions to your video recorder?
No, I haven't actually read them. Why?
Well why don't you do that small thing, Derek? I think you'll find it really interesting, because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English. And that's why your machine don't work. It was made strictly for sale in Europe.
But we are in Europe. We're in the common market, aren't we?
Yes, I know that, but we have a different electrical system to the rest of Europe. And that's why your machine's on the blink. Its components are burning out. It is what's technically known as "knackered."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Only Fools and Horses pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.