WHAT IN THE NAME OF BLOODY HELL?! I do not believe it! In the name of sanity! I do- well, that's it! That's just about the absolute limit of all bloody time! [Victor storms over to the phone and calls a number] I mean, what was he- HELLO! I'd like to speak to the manager please, and be quick about it! Meldrew. No, he doesn't but he will shortly! Hello, is that Mr. P.T. Sturgeon? Yes, well it's about a large yucca plant your garden centre delivered to my house this morning. Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name, it may have been Frank Spencer! Well I'll tell you exactly what the problem is, Mr. Sturgeon! I was out the back, working in the garden when he arrived, so I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me, and you know what he's done?! He's only planted it in the pan! Yes, actually in the lavatory pan, with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone can be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind! A mistake anyone could have made?! Are you stark- I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire terrier?!
S4The Trial (5)
What in the name of bloody hell...?! I do not believe it! [Victor pulls a toupee out of the bread loaf, then reads the label] "J.L. Dinkins, Hairpieces of Distinction"?! Well, that just about takes the biscuit! I mean, dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough?! I mean, he must have realised it had come off, for God's sake! Well, this is just about it, this is the absolute limit of all bloody time! [Victor storms over to the phone and calls a number] I mean, what am I going to find next?! A false arm in the French stick?! Glass eye staring up at me out of the coconut meringues?! [Victor briefly tries on the hairpiece] Absolutely bloody hideous! It'd be much more sensible wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head! How anyone could be so-Hello! Yes, I'd like to speak to the manager please and quick about it! Meldrew. NO HE DOESN'T BUT HE BLOODY WELL WILL SHORTLY!
[Talking about 1992 General Election result] I couldn't believe that last election result. It's like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor. [imitating parent] "Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time, but I still think it deserves another chance."
S4Secret of the Seven Sorcerers (6)
I would ring up and cancel, but I suppose it's be a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really? Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight. I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time. Stingray up the rectum? Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin.
Can you see an old dirty floor cloth by the door?
Uhm...yup.
Well, would you mind SHOVING IT in your bloody mouth?!
[in the Meldrew's living room and talking to Pippa] It's like spending an evening at The Munsters, coming around here...what nameless horror you're gonna come across next?
[to Mrs Warboys] Yes, it generally does. One thing you can be sure about in life, just when you think that things are never ever going to get better, they suddenly get worse!
S4One Foot in the Algarve
Yes, that's the good thing about having a really miserable holiday, it makes the going home such a positive joy.
[to Victor] Oi you! Superman's grandad! [referring to his red and blue clothing]
S5The Man Who Blew Away (1)
"Question: What's the difference between Victor Meldrew and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes? Answer: They're both useless tossers!!" Well, that's incorrect. That's not the difference; that's what we have in common!
S5Only a Story (2)
It’s only a story.
S5The Affair of the Hollow Lady (3)
[to Victor] Two hundred and sixty pounds we paid for this. A complete set of new locks so secure that even we can't get in!
S5Rearranging the Dust (4)
I can only think of one thing worse than dying. And that's living forever. I mean, can you just imagine how terrible that would actually be? If I was just always here, for ever and ever and ever.
I've got a spider in my flies. Look at that; there he goes, just struggling to get in through the buttonhole.
Are you sure he's not struggling to get out?
There's nothing inside there that a spider wouldn't want to see.
I expect. Be at home among the cobwebs.
[last lines] [to Margaret] You were always my first choice.
S5Hole in the Sky (5)
Better get ready for bed. If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts.
S5Wisdom of the Witch (7)
I mean, that has to be my best career move yet, doesn't it? I always knew that degree course I took at Worzel Gummidge College, Cambridge would pay off eventually.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's One Foot In The Grave pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.