Victor quotes from One Foot In The Grave

Victor

I'm thinking of compiling a special reference guide: The Observer's Book Of Crap On Your Front Lawn. Give me something to do in the years ahead.

Victor

She can't be dead, she's a bloody health and fitness instructor!

Victor

Welcome to stiff city. The dead of two world wars.

Victor

[coming in with chocolate wrappers]Seven chocolate wrappers today. Makes you wander why the bother about funerals anymore. [Imitating punters] "Grandma's dead. Shall we bury her?" "No, just sling her over that bloke's fence."

Victor

[pretending to talk to someone on the telephone] Victor Meldrew's Public Dosshouse Limited. Yes, we're taking bookings through to the end of April '92...we do have a last-minute cancellation. Mahatma Gandhi is just leaving.

Victor

What in the name of sanity ...

Victor

[after his unwanted hat was yet again returned to him] No, I don't believe it! [Reading a letter] Kindly refrain from dropping your cast-off hats in other people's building skips. A skip such as this cost us £25 a day and is not outside our house as a general rubbish receptacle for the use of all and sundry in discarding unwanted items of headgear. [Looks at the hat] How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody thing? I suppose I could go out into the garden now and bury it. Then someone will come up to us at the Acropolis and say 'Is this your hat?' How did they know where to send it, anyway?

Victor

[talking in his sleep] Watch out, he's got the pastry. He's got the pastry!

Victor

[talking in his sleep] Not with the pastry... Not with the pastry!

Victor

[talking in his sleep] It's all gone now. There's no more pastry.

Victor

When you think about it, nothing ever exists...The future doesn't exist because it hasn't happened yet; the past doesn't exist because it's already over. But the present doesn't exist, because as soon as you start to think about it it's already in the past. Which doesn't exist any more.

Victor

[to Margaret, on the time between one Xmas and the next] Yes, it's about two months now. They'll be draping tinsel over the Easter Eggs before long. Why can't they let you live your life at your own speed?

Victor

I was force fed Weetabix puree and sentenced to death, an average day really.

Victor

Unbelievable!

Victor

[to Margaret] Well I can't lie like this forever, can I? Like a bed-ridden Dalek.

Victor

[on the topic of Christmas shopping] I rather fancy having every bone in my body crushed to a pulp today, perhaps I'll go down WHSmith and spend five minutes in the book department.