"Question: What's the difference between Victor Meldrew and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes? Answer: They're both useless tossers!!" Well, that's incorrect. That's not the difference; that's what we have in common!
S5The Man Who Blew Away (1)
S5Only a Story (2)
It’s only a story.
S5The Affair of the Hollow Lady (3)
[to Victor] Two hundred and sixty pounds we paid for this. A complete set of new locks so secure that even we can't get in!
S5Rearranging the Dust (4)
I can only think of one thing worse than dying. And that's living forever. I mean, can you just imagine how terrible that would actually be? If I was just always here, for ever and ever and ever.
I've got a spider in my flies. Look at that; there he goes, just struggling to get in through the buttonhole.
Are you sure he's not struggling to get out?
There's nothing inside there that a spider wouldn't want to see.
I expect. Be at home among the cobwebs.
[last lines] [to Margaret] You were always my first choice.
S5Hole in the Sky (5)
Better get ready for bed. If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts.
S5Wisdom of the Witch (7)
I mean, that has to be my best career move yet, doesn't it? I always knew that degree course I took at Worzel Gummidge College, Cambridge would pay off eventually.
S5Starbound
[when Mrs Warboys brings a stuffed dog called Nippy for Victor to mind] Nippy? He doesn't look very nippy from where I'm standing!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's One Foot In The Grave pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.