Pippa quotes from One Foot In The Grave

Pippa

I don't know what to do about him and Victor. I mean, it's one thing to call someone a "tosspot" to their face, but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a Thornton's Easter egg, I think it's got beyond a joke. I mean, he did put a card in the post as well. No name or address on the envelope, just the word's "To that cretin in the cap." I suppose it helped him let off steam at the time.

Margaret

Yes. The irony is, we received it. About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think.

Pippa

What sort of things does he eat?

Margaret

[disgustedly] Anything, of any sort or description. In the most hideous and disgusting of combinations. Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard, he'd happily slice up together on his weetabix. It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letter box. I think he lost all sense of taste years ago.

Pippa

Stomach like a bin liner? [Margaret murmurs in agreement]

Margaret

You must be thrilled, congratulations.

Pippa

[Sombrely] Well, I'm not sure "thrilled" is the word. Wasn't exactly planned. I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal, but when you look round at the state of things, I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy. And you never know what you're bringing into the world. I mean, look at the people who started out as babies... Hitler... Dr. Crippen...

Patrick

I would ring up and cancel, but I suppose it's be a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really? Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight. I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time. Stingray up the rectum? Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin.

Pippa

Can you see an old dirty floor cloth by the door?

Patrick

Uhm...yup.

Pippa

Well, would you mind SHOVING IT in your bloody mouth?!